Teenage son breaking us

Needhelp81 · 2024-01-17T09:51:44+00:00

Husband and I have been married for 24 years, 4 children. One of our sons age 16 has tested us beyond our limits, he has anger issues and a lot of mental health problems, he is getting help but living with him is very difficult. My approach is, no matter our son throws at us we have to deal with hold, hold boundaries, keep communication etc but when he is having his real bad times, there is punching walls, shouting, storming about etc, my husband is now at the point where he is saying things like "either he goes or I go" now he hasn't acted on it but for me they are big statements and what I am hearing is that his love for our son is conditional, but what he "sees" is be tolerating this horrific behavior from our son. I need words of wisdom please

Greentomatic · 17/01/2024 10:09

Your husband is right
You can love someone but not tolerate their behaviour and therefore not want to live with it.
Your son is not psychotic and therefore in control of his actions and behaviour.

BoohooWoohoo · 17/01/2024 10:13

You’re both right and wrong.
It must be very difficult living with your son and there being no repercussions for his extreme behaviour. On the other hand, what can you as parents do but keep boundaries and hope that meds and therapy lead to a change some day. You’re both wrong for not seeing each other’s views but you’re living a highly stressful life do I understand why.

Original poster

Needhelp81 · 17/01/2024 10:16

I know what you mean but what can you do at 16, I can't ask him to leave, we have talked and talked about how his moods affects the home and he always apologies afterwards, I suppose I am on egg shells as he has said he has suicidal thoughts as he just hates how he is, so telling him "we won't live like this" makes me petrified that he might think we are better off without him and he does something to harm himself if not worse

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Octavia64 · 17/01/2024 10:16

You say your son has mental health issues.

Some mental health issues can be very difficult to live with.

Is there a room for compromise here?

Throwing a 16 year old with mental health issues on the street will not end well.

Can your DH get some time away from your son regularly so that he has breaks? Maybe stay with his parents or go to hotel etc?

Alternatively (and this is a big ask) maybe you have relatives that will take your 16 year old for a weekend etc.

lifeturnsonadime · 17/01/2024 10:17

Have you been to see the GP and got a referral for mental health services?

Damaging property is not normal behaviour.

I would suggest you rule out mental health issues and get some professional advice on managing challenging behaviour. Your family cannot live on tenterhooks and if you don't nip this in the bud it can escalate and no one should have to live in fear.

Original poster

Needhelp81 · 17/01/2024 10:19

lifeturnsonadime · 17/01/2024 10:17

Have you been to see the GP and got a referral for mental health services?

Damaging property is not normal behaviour.

I would suggest you rule out mental health issues and get some professional advice on managing challenging behaviour. Your family cannot live on tenterhooks and if you don't nip this in the bud it can escalate and no one should have to live in fear.

Yes we got him help, he is currently with CAHMs and being assessed for ADHD/autism and also being out on anti depressants

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BoohooWoohoo · 17/01/2024 10:19

I don’t think that love is conditional if you can’t tolerate extreme behaviour from your child. People have limits to their tolerance because they are human. I hope that nobody struggling with their child reads your post and feels judged. Sometimes there are posts from parents of children with special needs at the end of their tether (they often say that they wish that they could run away) and I think it’s understandable that they would want to vent into the void of the internet.

lifeturnsonadime · 17/01/2024 10:21

Needhelp81 · 17/01/2024 10:19

Yes we got him help, he is currently with CAHMs and being assessed for ADHD/autism and also being out on anti depressants

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Have you had a social services assessment for him? You might be eligible for respite.

Do you know what is causing the anxiety, is he able to vocalise at all? Are you all safe?

Original poster

Needhelp81 · 17/01/2024 10:22

BoohooWoohoo · 17/01/2024 10:19

I don’t think that love is conditional if you can’t tolerate extreme behaviour from your child. People have limits to their tolerance because they are human. I hope that nobody struggling with their child reads your post and feels judged. Sometimes there are posts from parents of children with special needs at the end of their tether (they often say that they wish that they could run away) and I think it’s understandable that they would want to vent into the void of the internet.

Gosh I really didn't mean it in that way, believe me I get it, I have been at the end of my tether and find him incredibly difficult to like at times and certainly difficult to live with but I can't see how throwing a 16 year old out of the house would ever be a solution

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Octavia64 · 17/01/2024 10:25

I think your DH might be expressing how much he is struggling.

My DD has adhd and my ExH really struggled with having a child with mental health issues. He hated it.

If you can try to separate your DH and your son then your dh will feel the impact less.

I'm sorry - it's a very hard situation to be in.

Choconuttolata · 17/01/2024 10:27

Do you have any social care help? They might be worth speaking to as there are other kinds of support that may be available to avoid him having to leave the home.

saraclara · 17/01/2024 10:27

What reflect is he having in your other children?

Just as with another thread about the 18 year old step daughter, people tend to focus on how this poor teenager needs to feel understood and encouraged to be at home. There's a lack of consideration for the damage they are doing to their siblings, risking their mental health too. This could create a whole sequence of troubled children.

Of course I don't know the answer, but we can't ignore the wider picture.

mumonthehill · 17/01/2024 10:28

All i can say is hold on, hold on as a team. It is so hard and it has so much affect on everyone. Mental health is so difficult to work through at that age but you have to. Ds was the same at that age, walking on egg shells resonates with me so much. It got better in the end but gosh it tested us. We loved ds but did not like him, but he was ill, his mental health poor but we stayed with him good and bad. It means now when he feels down he knows he has a safe place with us. Keep your boundaries but keep communication open and give him a safe space.

BoohooWoohoo · 17/01/2024 10:29

Needhelp81 · 17/01/2024 10:22

Gosh I really didn't mean it in that way, believe me I get it, I have been at the end of my tether and find him incredibly difficult to like at times and certainly difficult to live with but I can't see how throwing a 16 year old out of the house would ever be a solution

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I agree that throwing him out isn’t really a solution. He goes into care and then what? I’d imagine that he would be at risk of going to prison or trying drugs/alcohol to numb his feelings.

You’re trapped in an incredibly difficult situation and it sounds like your h is understandably struggling.

Original poster

Needhelp81 · 17/01/2024 10:29

mumonthehill · 17/01/2024 10:28

All i can say is hold on, hold on as a team. It is so hard and it has so much affect on everyone. Mental health is so difficult to work through at that age but you have to. Ds was the same at that age, walking on egg shells resonates with me so much. It got better in the end but gosh it tested us. We loved ds but did not like him, but he was ill, his mental health poor but we stayed with him good and bad. It means now when he feels down he knows he has a safe place with us. Keep your boundaries but keep communication open and give him a safe space.

This has brought me to tears, this is exactly what I am feeling, but I am feeling like my husband is giving up and and just can't hang in there with us any longer and that petrifies me

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Original poster

Needhelp81 · 17/01/2024 10:33

saraclara · 17/01/2024 10:27

What reflect is he having in your other children?

Just as with another thread about the 18 year old step daughter, people tend to focus on how this poor teenager needs to feel understood and encouraged to be at home. There's a lack of consideration for the damage they are doing to their siblings, risking their mental health too. This could create a whole sequence of troubled children.

Of course I don't know the answer, but we can't ignore the wider picture.

Edited

He is our youngest son that helps in the sense that the older kids can make sense of it but they also find him very difficult to live with but they understand that I can't just ask him to leave, they have been great in trying to help him, find a common ground etc but he just says no to everything, the other 3 have a very good bond, and he tends to be on the outside looking in, it's like he just can't get the social skills needed

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Ameliel · 17/01/2024 10:40

OP, I could have written your post, my situation is very similar! Married 22 years, 4 children, 15 (soon 16) year old son is volatile, angry and driving us on brink of divorce! He has been violent towards his dad and they clash massively. I feel like been around the houses trying to get him help...just started paying for private counselling as nothing else forthcoming from Gp or council. We've had to call police during his recent tantrum and all living on egg shells.. he told us he could kill us when we're sleeping... I know he said it out of anger but its driving a wedge between me and DH, and i feel im neglecting the other kids as he takes all my energy and i frequently have to give in just to keep the peace. . Sorry I have no advice or solution, just wanted to let you know you are not alone! Sending hugs, hang in there x

saraclara · 17/01/2024 10:42

Needhelp81 · 17/01/2024 10:33

He is our youngest son that helps in the sense that the older kids can make sense of it but they also find him very difficult to live with but they understand that I can't just ask him to leave, they have been great in trying to help him, find a common ground etc but he just says no to everything, the other 3 have a very good bond, and he tends to be on the outside looking in, it's like he just can't get the social skills needed

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They sound like really good kids. And I'm glad for you that you don't have to worry about them being damaged in the process.

I wonder if your DH could access some counselling? It could be that he could be given some psychological strategies to manage his (entirely understandable) emotions around your son.

mumonthehill · 17/01/2024 10:43

@Needhelp81 all i can say is that your dh needs to understand where his triggers are and learn to walk away at that point. I was not always good at this, i shouted way too much. Some of the things we said and did i now regret but in the moment it was so hard as it gets so emotional. But we now have a good relationship with ds, i think the remnants of those years still potter under the surface but we all get on. Ds will always suffer with his mental health but as he got older he was more mature and able to understand it and help himself. It is a hard road to travel for everyone.

Original poster

Needhelp81 · 17/01/2024 10:50

Ameliel · 17/01/2024 10:40

OP, I could have written your post, my situation is very similar! Married 22 years, 4 children, 15 (soon 16) year old son is volatile, angry and driving us on brink of divorce! He has been violent towards his dad and they clash massively. I feel like been around the houses trying to get him help...just started paying for private counselling as nothing else forthcoming from Gp or council. We've had to call police during his recent tantrum and all living on egg shells.. he told us he could kill us when we're sleeping... I know he said it out of anger but its driving a wedge between me and DH, and i feel im neglecting the other kids as he takes all my energy and i frequently have to give in just to keep the peace. . Sorry I have no advice or solution, just wanted to let you know you are not alone! Sending hugs, hang in there x

Thank you for sharing xx isn't it just the most horrendous situation, if this was a partner/husband behaving this way we would be told to get rid and never look back but when it's your child society leads you to believe us parent's have some ability to "fix" the situation, I am massively triggered by Facebook posts that say "and where are the parents" when teens act out, we are here breaking our hearts!!!! I hope for us both better days are ahead

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Original poster

Needhelp81 · 17/01/2024 10:52

mumonthehill · 17/01/2024 10:43

@Needhelp81 all i can say is that your dh needs to understand where his triggers are and learn to walk away at that point. I was not always good at this, i shouted way too much. Some of the things we said and did i now regret but in the moment it was so hard as it gets so emotional. But we now have a good relationship with ds, i think the remnants of those years still potter under the surface but we all get on. Ds will always suffer with his mental health but as he got older he was more mature and able to understand it and help himself. It is a hard road to travel for everyone.

Can I ask what age your son is now, does he still live at home?

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Mirabai · 17/01/2024 11:02

What about a state boarding school with good pastoral care? Is that something you’d consider?

unbelievablescenes · 17/01/2024 11:12

You're saying he can't find the social skills, is there a possibility of neurodivergence? My dd went through a spell of this and it turned out she was harboring massive resentment and anger against her abusive dad. She said once I stopped punishing her for 'bad behaviour' and understanding why she was doing it, she calmed right down. She's really good again now and trying her best to address the root cause. She's 15 and really insightful. Maybe try backing right off and letting him make his own mistakes etc while listening and being there for him could be a different approach to try. Good luck it's really hard

mumonthehill · 17/01/2024 11:13

@Needhelp81 he is now 23 doing his masters at uni. I would say it got better significantly from 17/18 but it was slow. He had counselling and antidepressants but he was not good at taking them. We weathered a massive storm for some time but we did it together. Never stop the love.

lousyatchoosingnames · 17/01/2024 11:13

Your son needs to hit rock bottom and you are enabling his behaviour