Teenage son breaking us

[Needhelp81]

Husband and I have been married for 24 years, 4 children. One of our sons age 16 has tested us beyond our limits, he has anger issues and a lot of mental health problems, he is getting help but living with him is very difficult. My approach is, no matter our son throws at us we have to deal with hold, hold boundaries, keep communication etc but when he is having his real bad times, there is punching walls, shouting, storming about etc, my husband is now at the point where he is saying things like "either he goes or I go" now he hasn't acted on it but for me they are big statements and what I am hearing is that his love for our son is conditional, but what he "sees" is be tolerating this horrific behavior from our son. I need words of wisdom please

Is he punching things to intimidate and therefore in control or punching things out of a need for a release as in an autistic meltdown?

If it's a autistic meltdown then get him a punching bag and gloves and let him go at it when he comes in. When he arrives home from wherever he's been minimal chat, get him a snack, a drink, noise cancelling headphones he can play music through (Anker soundcore are great) and leave him alone for at least an hour, a weighted blanket (kudd.ly ones are good) is also useful

Clearly intelligent enough to work - if you have to communicate with him about touchy subjects do it when you think his frame of mind is more susceptible to that sort of information.

Or you can write what you want to say instead. Less emotional, less trying to read between the lines. And it gives him time to calm down, reflect before answering back.

Does he have friends?

Have you tried accessing your local mental health access hub?? Google it with your location and something should come up. Have a browse of their website. They can do a phone assessment, they then triage and decide what help they can provide. Turn around is a matter of days at most, its not huge wait lists like with other mental health treatment. It may be that he is ND, or it could be that its a mental health problem, or both.

My partner Is ADHD, I've known him since we were 15 and he behaved very much like your son at that age and carried it on right up into his adult years as well. He's 31 now and after years of putting me through shit I had enough of him trying to pass it off, he finally realised he had more going on than just ADHD. He was passed from pillar to post and endless wait times trying to get help. Thankfully we found the hub in mid April last year, he called and had a phone assessment that day. 48 hours later he had feedback from the multi disciplinary team who had triaged him and he was told what plan they wanted to put in place. He agreed and started weekly appointments from May. By the start of June they changed his plan as they decided to go for a working diagnosis of EUPD. By August he was diagnosed with EUPD and emotional dysregulation. I don't know what the service would be like in your area but if they are anything like here, id 1000% call them and recommend them to anyone! If he's feeling suicidal and having these big outbursts at home he's clearly struggling mentally, ND or not. Please don't be quick to put it ALL down to likely ND. My partner can manage fine outside the house and in his job 90% of the time but at home he feels the most comfortable and less judged so it was me taking the brunt of his shit day and difficulties. I'm obviously not saying your son has what my partner has, I'm just staying its possible he could have more than one thing causing this so please explore the mental health as well as the ND. I'd recommend also looking up emotional dysregulation though and see if it seems familiar. That used to cause our household just as much havoc as the EUPD does, and it's surprisingly common, especially with ADHD.
However lots can be done by you guys as home to help him with this while you wait on other help. it's worth looking into just incase it is a possibility for your son. You're welcome to message me if you have a Google and it all seems quite familiar, I'm happy to share how we manage things if you wanted to give some ideas a try yourself.

As someone who has gone through something very similar, I would suggest that you hang in there if you can.
Your DH statement is basically saying that you have to choose and so is putting the responsibility of making that choice with you.
As difficult as it sounds, perhaps try to invest sometime for you, DH & DS to do some fun things together or try some little gestures such as cooking DS favourite meal or buying him a small gift occasionally to let him know that he's loved, despite the difficulties that might be ongoing.
Kicking him out will only result in him feeling better and won't help him with his mental heath issues.
Wishing you the very best and hope the tide turns for you all soon x

*bitter

I don't know if you have done this already - but have you ever sat down with him with a pen and paper and literally written out a list of the symptoms he feels before he loses control of his emotions? Ie does he get a fluttery feeling in his stomach - does he start moving his hands about more? What does he feel and where does he feel it? If you have not done this I really encourage you to do this and then teach him - hey when you start feeling or doing these things that means you beginning to get very upset and lets then take time out. A parenting course I went to encouraged things like if someone screams when they lose control - encourage them to sing when they notice they are getting to that point, or if they are physical encourage them to be physical like dance or jump on an indoor mini trampoline.
We have a lot of ADHD in our family - unfort we are very bad and processing our emotions and then losing control of them. He just needs strategies to manage his emotions before they get out of control. If he starts to lose it just say we both need to walk away to somewhere calm to calm down as no one can discuss things when we are upset.
My bigger concern is for your other three children witnessing this and a) being distressed and / or b) copying this behaviour as it has unfort become the norm in your family.
Can I really encourage you to see a parenting consultant for information on how to deal with him. People see ADHD teens punching, screaming etc - I just see an older child doing what toddlers do when they are learning to manage their emotions. Its just more scary because its a child in an adults body but really you would use similar strategies to teach them both how to process emotions.

You can love someone and do not tolerate their unbearable behaviours. Your son is using your different approach on his own benefit. Divide and conquer is a sentence older that most the countries we can name by memory.
I will change the approach with your son and start to show him that his tantrums has serious consequences.

I disagree with a PP that says he needs to hit rock bottom that is a totally ridiculous statement.

Please have a look at www.pegsupport.co.uk

They offer free training, virtual drop in support groups and 1-2-1 help as well as a Facebook group.

Speaking as someone who has lived this - it is tough. Your husband needs to step up.