Teenage son breaking us

[Needhelp81]

Husband and I have been married for 24 years, 4 children. One of our sons age 16 has tested us beyond our limits, he has anger issues and a lot of mental health problems, he is getting help but living with him is very difficult. My approach is, no matter our son throws at us we have to deal with hold, hold boundaries, keep communication etc but when he is having his real bad times, there is punching walls, shouting, storming about etc, my husband is now at the point where he is saying things like "either he goes or I go" now he hasn't acted on it but for me they are big statements and what I am hearing is that his love for our son is conditional, but what he "sees" is be tolerating this horrific behavior from our son. I need words of wisdom please

Op you are doing an amazing job. I understand the strain is enormous annd utterly exhausting.

In your position I would:

1. Get some individual counselling for you and dh to see separately, you need to approach this with as much support as possible. You can’t do this alone.

2. Work out who can help - can ds have a sleepover with grandma? Can they come and look after him for a while? Be totally frank about the situation, much more support will be forthcoming if you can be straight with everyone around you.

3. Send dh off for a weekend if you can’t go with him, do so individually. He needs time out if he is at breaking point.

4. Take a few days off when they are all in school.

5. Your son is desperately ill, and it needs to be treated in that way, if his leg was broken in several places no one would be kicking him out.

6. Stick to your guns. Ds has to stay at home and everything around you now needs to be adapted just for now.

7. look into respite care

8. Does he have friends? Arrange stuff for him or encourage him to do so out of the house. Outdoor activities would be really good for him.

This is so hard op. You will come through it - hold on. At some point you will turn a corner.

I can’t comment or help on the mh part but can I ask where screens are in all of this? We’ve been weaning the kids off them with a general’can someone help with this’ (reading to younger kids, moving or fixing something cleaning etc) or going out shopping and giving responsibility, going out for walks or drives or to relatives, playing board games, getting them back interested in study by asking them about things they’re interested in etc. Essentially like parenting a small child but just getting them interested in the world again. Plus earlier bed better food etc. it sounds a little ridiculous when I say it but we’re getting our old child back (16 and 14yo) but again with the mh thing amn’t knowledgable, especially if he has dark thoughts. Best of luck op x

He is being tested for ADHD and autism, stepping back and communicating with him has helped massively and we have had to very much pick our battle's. But when things don't go his way, this could be a late delivery of a parcel, a train being cancelled, someone taking longer In the shower when he wants in etc he in explosive and it's that response we are struggling with, even having an understanding of ND doesn't make it easy to live with unfortunately

On this point, it goes against CAMHS advice in some circumstances to remove devices especially where the child is anxious and they have social net works through gaming.

Also triggering a child who is being violent by removing things that make them feel safe is not recommended. Pick your battles.

I'm not saying that generally screen time should be reduced but advising this for a child during a period like this is high risk of making matters a million times worse.

Call the police when he's punching holes in walls and damaging your property. Do it every single time until he gets the message that his behaviour is NOT tolerated. It sounds like you are prisoners in your own home. That is your property that you have worked bloody hard for.

He is almost 17 and works full time as an apprentice, there is no way I would be able to gain any control over his screen time or bed time. But when he was younger and in school we had parental controls on his phone and devices so they knocked off and were blocked at set times, but he was never a good sleeper and even now he is lucky if he gets a few hours

I knew you were going to say he was being assessed for autism or ADHD. Sounds like he has, unfortunately, spent his entire life being triggered and misunderstood, and neither he nor anyone around him has any coping strategies that work.

This is such a common cause of teens in MH crisis.

.

It's he able to control his temper at work? It could be that having controlled himself all day, he explodes when he gets home. Which would fit with neurodiversity.

On the other hand you need him to be able to manage being in the workplace. It's a no win situation, sadly

Rock bottom for me is a suicide attempt, I can't risk that, he has said on a few occasions he has had those thoughts, I don't enable his behavior to keep the peace, I try to see why he is doing what he is doing and treat the root cause

This is exactly him, work have no clue, actually no one outside the home would know, he is polite, friendly, confident but it's all an act, and that mask comes off once he is home and I definitely get it more which is fine I can handle it as I understand it more now but husband can't get his head around it, he thinks he is bully me, but he may shout and swear but it is never aimed at me, I have never once felt intimidated, all I see is him feeling safe enough with me to release the pressure that has been building all day

@Needhelp81 is your dh suicidal too or is it ‘just’ your ds?

lifeturnsonadime
ah ok. We don’t take away just preoccupy them with other stuff but that’s why I was saying I don’t know on the mh side, I wouldn’t know things like this, it was just suggesting something that’s changed our house for the better but again no experience of that kind of mh issues. Thanks x

Just my son

@Needhelp81 also I agree with you re your analysis of your ds behaviour. They are autistic meltdowns.

Your dh really needs to read around autism, what’s going on and what is the meaning of those meltdowns. If he is approaching things as ‘he is a bully’, things are only going to get worse, not better.

Have you contacted any charities around autism to see how you could best support him/help him find ways to settle himself before he explodes?
I found that, even if he wasn’t autistic, these are tools that can be used in many different situations anyway.

Regardless of a diagnosis he needs help with coping strategies so that he doesn’t build up his anger during the day

Join online FB groups for those with ADHD/ASD to ask for direct experiences of successful strategies.

If he is well behaved outside of the home then I guarantee he knows full well how to behave inside the home.

Punch bag in room? Or garage? Or fitness equipment somewhere in the home to allow him to let of steam.

When he is brewing or stewing - do not approach- move out of the way and stay away. No eye contact and don’t speak.

Does he have his own room? His own space to decompress? Allow him that

Dont force conversation, give disapproving looks just be disengaged - if he wants you he will come to you

Tell the others this info. Keep out of his way. For now anyway.

Clearly intelligent enough to work - if you have to communicate with him about touchy subjects do it when you think his frame of mind is more susceptible to that sort of information.

‘Son, I know you are going through a hard time right now and I am sorry we don’t know how to help you with that. Your siblings can be clueless and uncompromising as they do not understand what it would take for them to make your life easier. Have a think and let us know so we can move forward in a better way for you. Love mum’

make it about him because from his side he feels wronged

hope this helps

It is possible to love someone, but be intolerant of how they behave. I think your husband's comments show he is at breaking point. So sorry you are having such awful problems with your son. It sounds extremely challenging to say the least

Medication for adhd and significantly reducing demands helped my DD.

She uses screens to regulate and calm down - if with your son as with my DD then if screens are taken away you get violence I'd suggest screens are better.

Various things can also help - sensory things like weighted blanket, my DD had lots of different shaped pillows, lava lamp and fidget toys (we bought them in bulk).

If you are at that point, social services do have to step in, my friends dd went to a unit for young people struggling in this way

I understand entirely what you are going through. My son is 18 and now away at University. We have endured as a family much of the behaviours of your son for many years, on and off. Lockdown was a big trigger when he was 14. there have been highs and lows throughout this period to date, with violence, mood swings and suicidal throughs (we disovered a rope with a noose he had purchased a year ago when he was going through a very difficult episode). It's utterly exhausting and has very nearly broke me and my marriage. In my shoes I am divorced from his father so I get/got respite breaks when he is there, which I have very much needed. Without them I just don't know how I would have got through some of the darker times. He's away at Uni now and having the time of his life. But comes home for holidays etc, he's not always easy to live with, even for shorter time periods.
I have found that counselling for him has helped at times, so would encourage you to get him some, I went private, lists are just too long otherwise. Even with a diagnosis of ADHD/autism, that isn't going to stop his behaviour. My son went down a pathway towards diagnosis in primary school, but we made a decison not to formally diagnose, for many reasons that I won't go in to here. I have encouraged a formal diagnosis now he is an adult, but he doesn't want one. But you do have to think about his triggers, how to manage his behaviour, how to minimise his disruption to the rst of the house. I don't have a magic answer to that I am afraid. But teenage boy years can often be diffcult especially when there are other issues going on. Maybe encourage some physical outlet such as the gym, to let out some of that pent up aggression from the day. Also helps with mental low periods and has been a great help for my son. Also allow him time and space to decompress from the day. At 16 he is to young to give up on, even when its tough. Good luck.

@Quitelikeit

If he is well behaved outside of the home then I guarantee he knows full well how to behave inside the home.

This shows a VERY limited understanding of autism masking.

it is very common for autistic people to model (as best as they can) neurotypical behaviour outside of the home and for the 'mask ' to slip in the home.

Otherwise known as the 'bottle of coke' affect. https://www.belfastlive.co.uk/news/health/coke-bottle-video-explains-autistic-14626730

When did all this start with him? What have his schooldays been like?. Did school ever acknowledge any additional needs?. It would not surprise me if they did not.

I would go private re your son as CAMHS waiting lists are very long in many areas. You would need to see a developmental paediatrician as a starting point. Also CAMHS are not always helpful when it comes to ASD or ADHD. Both are not mental health issues.

Hi op my nephew is very similar he's nearly 18 now he would punch doors / walls furniture smash stuff be very verbally abusive to mum / dad and 2 siblings it got to the point my sister and her husband nearly divorced over it I didn't fully understand until I took him in for a couple of weeks rest for my sister and the other 2 children after about 4 days he started smashing my stuff and being verbally abusive to me my god if I didn't love his so much I would off throttled him it's very hard for you and your dh I only had him for 2 weeks in all honesty I don't know how my sister and her dh cope but our local mental health team contacted young adult social care and they started taking him on activities weekends it's helping him he's more chilled he's leaning if he's angry go out for a walk do something constructive it's a very long road I hope you and your son gets all the help and support that's available

What happens when he comes in from his apprenticeship?

He needs an hour (or maybe much more) just to be alone and decompress in his own space doing whatever relaxes him. Having snacks and a drink available for him to grab on his way many also really help.

I know people who don't get ND behaviour could think this was just pandering to him - but actually he is completely overwhelmed from the day and when he gets home he needs to just decompress. No more demands or requests, just left alone to get back on an even keel with everything around him that he needs to do that.

If any one knows the spoons analogy - well at the end of the day he is out of spoons. He can't cope with things not going how he expects/needs them to because he no longer has any spoons left to deal with it.

It would probably also really help him if he has a very clear routine - so his time in the bathroom is his time and everyone knows that and no one else is in there when it starts.

Please don't listen to people who say things like'if he can behave outside the home then he can behave in it' and 'your son needs to hit rock bottom' he is ND not an alcoholic.

You also need to remember that it is your husband that is trying to force you to choose between him and your child. Your husband is free to leave if he can't cope of course - but trying to put it on you and force you to choose is just wrong.

@lifeturnsonadime

we will have to disagree. I don’t need to read the link I have personal experience and I will go by that but I respect you might have experienced differently

nothing is certain when dealing with humans and complex behaviour- just my opinion