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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me - I’m lost

59 replies

Runorstay · 16/01/2024 21:18

I left an abusive marriage a few years ago. I’m 32, I have a 5 year old child. I met someone, he’s never been married before. After a while we moved in together. Recently we’ve been arguing a lot. This weekend he pushed me over someone innocent I said and later when I challenged him on it he grabbed me by the collar and pushed me against the wall. He has apologized but has said he’s ashamed of the line he crossed and he’s a peaceful person but I really trigger him because I don’t respect his boundaries. He also said it was all the drugs he’d had as he had a medical procedure this weekend.

I don’t know what to do. I love him but I can’t go through this again. He said I’m hard to deal with that’s why everyone around me turns violent because I’m only capable of understanding force otherwise I’m a dog with a bone. I know this sounds crazy to even accept. Is there a way to get through to him maybe through counseling? To be clear he’s amazing to my child. Most fights happen when she ain’t around.

OP posts:
Mitherations · 16/01/2024 21:24

he’s a peaceful person but I really trigger him because I don’t respect his boundaries. Bullshit

I don’t know what to do. Yes you do.

He is not amazing to your child because he is abusing their mother. End it. For your child, if you can't do it for yourself.

SamW98 · 16/01/2024 21:27

Hes a violent abusive gaslighting liar - why would you want to stay with him?

If not for you please get this man away from your child. His behaviour will escalate

Emmelina · 16/01/2024 21:27

You leave. Right now. A peaceful person doesn’t throw someone about “you didn’t respect my boundaries, you triggered me”

run.

Notimeforaname · 16/01/2024 21:42

As above. Please take him for who he is. He has physically abused you and blamed you for it. If you wont leave him for your own sake, do it for your child.

Children who live in a home with an unrelated male have WAY higher chances of being abused than those who dont. The man is already abusing you.

You must not neglect the safety of your child. This is serious

Nipper2020 · 16/01/2024 21:51

I'm with you & its not easy. You know its wrong. I've been where you are & you need to get out. Pleased be assured its all him/his issues & not you. So look after you & your child and get out.
I wasted 16yrs with an abuser to escape to another abuser. Please don't be me!
Sending love X

Skybluecoat · 16/01/2024 21:58

Get rid of him.

TheSlantedOwl · 16/01/2024 21:59

End it immediately.

SpringleDingle · 16/01/2024 22:01

He’s abusive, you should leave.

Livinghappy · 16/01/2024 22:02

You have a very young daughter so you need to break the cycle. If you don't you risk her growing up thinking this is normal.

AfterTheSummer · 16/01/2024 22:03

He said I’m hard to deal with that’s why everyone around me turns violent because I’m only capable of understanding force

Textbook abuser, blaming you for his violence. Get your self and your child away from this piece of shit.

DrunkenElephant · 16/01/2024 22:05

The mask has slipped.

This is who he really is, it will only get worse. Please leave this relationship.

Is it your house?

Opentooffers · 16/01/2024 22:54

If you told him early on that your ex was abusive, that could actually be partly what interested him. Best not to mention it to BF's, it can give the impression to the wrong type that you'd put up with more than others would. If your first instinct was not to ditch him, he might be right unfortunately. Doesn't matter how much you love him, he doesn't love in the right way, there's no excuse for that behaviour and love is no excuse to let it slide either.
Do you rent together? Who's on tenancy or mortgage? Think practically now, don't try to be a fixer.

Channellingsophistication · 16/01/2024 23:01

He has shown you who he is so please make plans to end this relationship before it gets worse

Opentooffers · 16/01/2024 23:03

How long have you actually been together and lived together. It's really a bad sign that he's making it your fault. That is exactly what abusers do, I'm sure you recognise that.
If he was peaceful as he claims and this was a one off with all his other excuses applying, he would of fully accepted blame and been shocked at his own behaviour. That he's blamed you since just shows he always had an abusers attitude, and likely has been in this situation before. Could be worth trying a Clares law on him.

Singleandproud · 16/01/2024 23:03

Why would you want to make it work?
Cut your losses and move on. Do the Freedom Programme to help you picking less abusive fuckwits in future, focus on yourself and your daughter building up your self esteem and self worth - you wouldn't accept anyone saying those things about your daughter or treating her like that so don't accept it for yourself

Quitelikeit · 16/01/2024 23:07

The writing is on the wall here. This is not your first rodeo.

MsDogLady · 17/01/2024 01:28

@Runorstay, he’s not a ‘peaceful person.’ He’s a physical and emotional abuser who shifts the blame to you and says you deserve violence.

He is not ‘amazing’ with your daughter. She is living in an abusive home, and her mother is being tormented and assaulted by a brute, and is walking on eggshells. He could turn on her at any time.

@Runorstay, you must protect both of you by getting him out and cutting contact asap.

LifeExperience · 17/01/2024 01:32

To answer your question, OP, you never enter counseling with your abuser. I would suggest individual counseling for you to figure out why you choose abusive men.

LittleGreenDragons · 17/01/2024 01:32

that’s why everyone around me turns violent because I’m only capable of understanding force

Good grief. Run OP. Run as fast as you can. He's trying to say it will be your fault, and only yours, when (not if) he smashes your head in 😱 What a vile human being.

Grendell · 17/01/2024 01:35

He is exhibiting textbook abuser behavior including saying it's your fault, you bring out this bad side of him. That's just bullcrap.

Get away from him.

rainshere · 17/01/2024 03:09

I agree with everyone.

He ticks all of the boxes for an abuser.

They always turn it around and it ends up being YOUR fault.. it starts slowly with a push and a grab and builds up to more sinister things.

You need to put your foot down now !

Leave !

Do it for you but also for your child

Newnamehiwhodis · 17/01/2024 03:59

Nope. I know it’s hard. I really do. I know you want it not to have happened at all - but it did, and please PLEASE do not let his excuses hold any weight in your mind.

please get out. He is NO GOOD.

i don’t care what he says. A truly good man will not behave this way.

Zanatdy · 17/01/2024 05:42

Counselling isn’t for abusive relationships. Why would you want to stay in a relationship with this person who is abusing you. He’s not amazing with your child when he’s abusing the child’s mother. Most fights happen when she’s not around, so means some have happened in her presence. This isn’t acceptable. Contact women’s aid who can assist you with taking steps to end this. He’s trying to make you believe that you cause the fights and anyone else would find the same with you, when this is absolute rubbish. Even if you did, physical violence is no excuse. These situations always escalate. Your daughter needs you around to raise her. Not another statistic. Please contact women’s aid and protect yourself and your daughter from this man

Happyinarcon · 17/01/2024 05:50

“He said I’m hard to deal with that’s why everyone around me turns violent because I’m only capable of understanding force”

Funny, those were almost the exact same words my abusive ex said to me. I wonder if they all get the same handout or something?

WolvesDiscoandBoogaloo · 17/01/2024 07:04

Of course it's not your fault when he chooses to behave badly. That's his tactic to make sure you do what he wants and he never has to take responsibility for anything.

I'm not sure if this is the first time he's become violent, but I'm convinced that this can't possibly be the first red flag you've witnessed. All these arguments you've had, how's he been speaking to you?