Please help me - I’m lost

[Runorstay]

I left an abusive marriage a few years ago. I’m 32, I have a 5 year old child. I met someone, he’s never been married before. After a while we moved in together. Recently we’ve been arguing a lot. This weekend he pushed me over someone innocent I said and later when I challenged him on it he grabbed me by the collar and pushed me against the wall. He has apologized but has said he’s ashamed of the line he crossed and he’s a peaceful person but I really trigger him because I don’t respect his boundaries. He also said it was all the drugs he’d had as he had a medical procedure this weekend.

I don’t know what to do. I love him but I can’t go through this again. He said I’m hard to deal with that’s why everyone around me turns violent because I’m only capable of understanding force otherwise I’m a dog with a bone. I know this sounds crazy to even accept. Is there a way to get through to him maybe through counseling? To be clear he’s amazing to my child. Most fights happen when she ain’t around.

I am financially totally independent and it’s my house we live in.

Oh that is excellent news! Since you aren't married you are legally allowed to throw his things out and change the locks. Although I would recommend you speaking to the police first and asking their advice on how to remove a violent man from your house. That's for two reasons, the first is how to do it safely and secondly it gives the police a warning so they can make you a priority if he refuses to go, ie banging on the door.

Ignore what he or your parents call you as they are trying to use words to deliberately hurt you, it doesn't mean it's true but you know what? It really doesn't matter what they think, just focus on the practicalities of getting him out. You can do this

Get this man out of your house. And to hell with your parents. Can’t you see they are completely complicit as to why you tolerate and are attracted to abusive men in the first place.

Don’t bother explaining your reasons to them as they will never understand the complexities of it as they are far too gone down that road.

If you stay with this man and any others like him going forward I guarantee you are setting your daughter onto the same path you have been on romantically.

You have gone quiet and I wonder if that is because he senses you are retreating from him and is now playing Mr Nice. You know the nice/nasty cycle - reels you in then can’t keep up the pretence so eventually the mask slips

Just please retreat. Tell him you need space and he must move out if you have to and can’t face ending it. Do it slowly but god get him out.

As to your parents, stop sharing details of your life with them. Give them bare bones, I told him to leave is all they need to know. Don’t explain, don’t justify, stick to that one sentence. You don’t need their advice or permission to get rid of this nasty piece of work.

what he did is far out of order and you have to leave.

No. Counselling is a waste of time for someone who says “force is the only thing you understand” and who blames you for “triggering” him.

I have never in the history of the internet ever read a success story in which someone is violent to their partner, agrees to their suggestion for counselling and then suddenly in a session says “Wow, I never saw it that way before. It makes you feel bad? I will stop immediately.” And then does so and is never violent again.

You are confused because your partner “apologises” and is sometimes nice. But all abusive people do this, otherwise they would never attract anyone or keep them around for long. You are being slowly conditioned to accept the violence on a long term basis.

Your child will find out.

Apologising then telling you that its because you made him.. well that is a classic abuser line.

Taking you by the collar, pushing, its just the beginning and if you stay, you will normalise it, believe him when he tells you that you trigger him, and he will ruin your self confidence. Guaranteed if he has not already done so with his current recent actions.

If your friend came over to you tonight and told you that her partner has abused her, the same way yours has, what would you advise her?

DO not make the mistake of excusing his behavior so that you can have a relationship. Your son will not thank you for it.

I want you to remember what you felt like when he took you by the collar, bet you were terrified, now I want you to pick up your things and leave as he is telling you loud and clear how he is going to treat you now, in the future if you stay. Guranteed.

I can’t read and run on this -Get out now please

“Ok so there is the answer to why this man got into your life
You witnessed abuse as a child, had parents that whittled away your self confidence. Had an abusive relationship, par for the course when you have a abusive father. And then fell into another one.

Break the cycle and do it today/this week. Don't let your daughter end up as another witness who repeats your mistakes. You sound like you have your head screwed on. Bag his stuff up today, get your locks changed then take his stuff to his parents or a friend's then text him that it's over and not to call you again and block him and any associates on SM and just move on with your life. Yes, it's nicer to break up in person and doing it over text is a bit rubbish but so what, he hasn't been kind to you andits far safer for you to do it that way.”

This with bells on. Break the cycle. Create a new, abuse-free reality for yourself and your DD.

And btw: I can be very difficult and a complete arsehole sometimes. My DH has never laid a finger on me. Because he’s not abusive.

You have a 5 year old child. ‘Most’ of the arguments happen when she is not around. Not all then.

Get out, and get her out, otherwise she will grow up thinking this is normal and acceptable…and may end up with someone abusive too…or worse, he will start on her. Could you really handle seeing your daughter being treated like this, at any age?