Please help me - I’m lost

[Runorstay]

I left an abusive marriage a few years ago. I’m 32, I have a 5 year old child. I met someone, he’s never been married before. After a while we moved in together. Recently we’ve been arguing a lot. This weekend he pushed me over someone innocent I said and later when I challenged him on it he grabbed me by the collar and pushed me against the wall. He has apologized but has said he’s ashamed of the line he crossed and he’s a peaceful person but I really trigger him because I don’t respect his boundaries. He also said it was all the drugs he’d had as he had a medical procedure this weekend.

I don’t know what to do. I love him but I can’t go through this again. He said I’m hard to deal with that’s why everyone around me turns violent because I’m only capable of understanding force otherwise I’m a dog with a bone. I know this sounds crazy to even accept. Is there a way to get through to him maybe through counseling? To be clear he’s amazing to my child. Most fights happen when she ain’t around.

He has called me names like cunt.

he says I’m arrogant and I have no sympathy or empathy towards anyone, I’m confrontational and don’t respect boundaries. I don’t know if any of this is true. I’m a new driver and I took a wrong turn and got flustered turning the car around so he yelled at me and hit the dashboard with his hands and head. He explained that I seem to use my brain for work but can’t use it for anything else and I’m clearly intelligent so why can’t I turn on my brain when driving.

Wow, he's really horrible to you. That's awful. Definitely, definitely not deserved.

Of course you're going to make navigation errors as a new driver. I've been driving for many years and I still sometimes take a wrong turn. It's easily done. There's no reason to shout and get aggressive with someone over it. In fact, it's downright dangerous for him to have been distracting and upsetting you when you needed to concentrate and stay calm.

It definitely sounds like your only option here is to leave him. How do you feel about that?

I presume your daughter was present when you were driving. What is she learning about relationships here?. She has seen abusive men in your life her entire life.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Was your parents relationship abusive?.

Sadly you have left one abusive relationship to go into another one. This is not an uncommon scenario. Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further eroded by this abusive man now. HE had no sympathy or empathy towards anyone. Abusers think it’s everyone else’s fault too.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. What is the situation re the finances and property?. I would also urge you to contact Womens Aid and get away from him asap.

So he’s shown aggressive bullying behaviour before he got physical with you then. It’s not a one off, it’s an escalation that will continues to get worse.

Remove this abuser from your life NOW. Do you really want your daughter growing up with this man as her father figure so she learns from a young age that women ‘deserve’ abuse??

Pack his bags today and tell him it’s over.

LTB, abusive

Oh god, get out!!

Get your dd away from this abusive bastard NOW.

Do it for her sake if not yours.

He's abusive. Leave him.

All of the above, leave him. You've done it once you can do it again.

He doesn't love you, in fact he seems to have a lot of contempt for you, that's absolutely clear to see.

Then complete the Freedom program.

I know it isn't easy to walk away but I don't think you will have a choice as it never gets better. Read Lundy '"why does he do that". I think you will see his type described there.

Btw, He is stepping up his aggression so that you will be easier to control. The name calling lowers your self esteem so that you will be more dependant on him. I doubt you are the first girlfriend he has done this to.

Exactly. How can you subject your child to this?

Why do you feel the need for a man n your life at all when you should be focusing on your child? Not scum like him.

Thanks all. No my child has never witnessed a serious fight and wasn’t in the car. She’s only seen bickering. I am financially totally independent and it’s my house we will in. I earn more than him.

my parents blame me a lot for the breakdown of my marriage as I’m apparently uncompromising and difficult. When that many people tell you you’re the problem and you’re arrogant and set in your ways you start to believe them. My mother suffered all sorts of verbal and financial abuse from my father but she stuck it out because she said a woman needs to compromise. Don’t judge me. I am a career driven, high earning, independent individual but it’s hard not to be convinced you’re the problem.

I don’t have a need for a man in my life. That’s actually part of the issue. I have too many hobbies to really make time for him and can be distant and need a lot of personal space. He feels I don’t respect him. I want a peaceful life and not this constant arguing. But my parents will just say I’ve fucked up yet another relationship with my bullshit. When we met I just wanted a casual relationship and I don’t know how I ended up here.

Fuck him.

Fuck your ex.

And fuck your parents.

You don't have the luxury of worrying about what your parents think. It's your life. Protecting your daughter is more important than what they think.

Are they really so ignorant as to prefer you stay with this asshole than have no man at all? I wouldn't give a shit about the opinion of such people.

You brought an abusive man into your daughter's home. Get rid. Right now. No excuses.

It's usually the first post that nails it but this is spot on.

You're living the pattern you grew up with and are used to as normal, OP. Do you want DD to replicate your experience in her relationships? because she will if you don't get out.

Ok so there is the answer to why this man got into your life
You witnessed abuse as a child, had parents that whittled away your self confidence. Had an abusive relationship, par for the course when you have a abusive father. And then fell into another one.

Break the cycle and do it today/this week. Don't let your daughter end up as another witness who repeats your mistakes. You sound like you have your head screwed on. Bag his stuff up today, get your locks changed then take his stuff to his parents or a friend's then text him that it's over and not to call you again and block him and any associates on SM and just move on with your life. Yes, it's nicer to break up in person and doing it over text is a bit rubbish but so what, he hasn't been kind to you andits far safer for you to do it that way.

"My parents blame me a lot for the breakdown of my marriage as I’m apparently uncompromising and difficult. When that many people tell you you’re the problem and you’re arrogant and set in your ways you start to believe them. My mother suffered all sorts of verbal and financial abuse from my father but she stuck it out because she said a woman needs to compromise".

I wondered what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up and indeed you were taught an awful lot of damaging crap from both parents. Your daughter now needs to learn a better set of lessons than you did and will have to unlearn.

Your dad is abusive and your mother is his enabler. All of the above has played a part in you being in an abusive marriage and a further abusive relationship now. BTW are they still together?. It sounds like it unfortunately; she has chosen to stay with him for her own reasons failing you in the process. It's they are both uncompromising and difficult and are similar to the men you have chosen to be in a relationship with. And it was really shit for your mother to tell you that a woman needs to compromise; she did you a huge disservice in telling you such garbage.

Please don’t make excuses for him OP. You having hobbies and needing personal space aren’t a problem and aren’t showing disrespect. If he doesn’t want that from a partner, he can speak up in a mature adult manner and not belittle and abuse you.

Please break the cycle OP. Give your daughter a better childhood than you had. Show her an independent woman doesn’t need a man who treats her badly.

You have a choice re this man, your daughter does not. Make better choices now for you and she going forward by getting your abuser out of your home and ending the relationship.

You can break the cycle that was imposed on you.

Show your daughter properly now that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Do not date or enter into any more relationships until your boundaries are a lot higher than the sub level they are currently at. Abusive men can and do weaken boundaries and the rot here for you started with your own abusive father and enabler mother. I would also consider getting therapy regarding them also.

So your parents would rather you stay in a relationship where you're being abused and which their 5 yo granddaughter may be witness to / become a part of?! Wow. They need a serious talking to. Absolutely despicable and no wonder you keep ending up in this cycle. As others have said, he is seriously abusive already. This will only get worse. You know this. Get out now whilst you can.

Get him out. Use the police if nessesary please. They will assist you

I think once you have been in a long relationship with someone who is abusive you somehow seem to attract the same type going forward. I am also one of them. The difference is that now I am hyper vigilant and drop them instantly at the first sign of them being abusive. Like you I am financially independent, have my own place, have lots of outside distractions (hobbies/friends/family) and it leaves me in a wonderful position of not needing to put up with bullshit. I think you need to do the same, he is not suddenly going to improve, he will only get worse. Focus on the positives in your life and let him get on with his own shitty life without you.

I hadn't seen this update from OP. Wow. That says it all. Your mother stayed with an abusive man because in her eyes that's "compromise". Break this cycle now OP. No matter what your mum says (not sure about your dad if he's abusive too), she will be the one who has to live with it if something happens to you or her granddaughter.