Who the hell was my husband really?

[feelthehealer]

He's 42.

Ex husband. Going through a divorce. He with his current partner days after we separated - more than likely over lapped. No proof but I'm sure we did.

I haven't seen anything of my ex husband in almost 3 months. We have a son together who he rarely sees.

I've been good at not snooping at them. He's blocked on my Facebook (which is all the social media I have) and she's blocked me for some reason. Never spoken to her or met her in my life so who knows why.

I also have a daughter - she's 13. (She's from a previous relationship- she is not my ex husbands child)

She came home from school and said 'mum I've got to show you this'.

She had stumbled across my ex husbands new girlfriends tik tok account . There's only a few videos and they are of him and her. In these videos, they are both either drunk or drinking. Bitb have a glass in their hand. Both dancing about, both just being daft. There's one of them doing a gavin and Stacey sketch.

He would have never of done anything with me. I went through a phase of doing network marketing (don't come at me!) and would always try get him in my videos but the answer was always no.

He's 42. Never drunk while he was with me. Claimed that life wasn't for him anymore. He was a gambling addict and used to do football bets every single night. We never went out. He never wanted too. He was happy apparently with our quiet life. Though was very abusive - I'm still in therapy.

It also worries me - it shouldn't - but he is a gambling addict. Could he easily get addicted to alcohol? I have my son to think about here. There's other tik told if hair her and her mate dancing about with cans in their hands. It looks like drink is now a very big part of his life.

She's late thirties - was in my year at school though I didn't know her. The absolute opposite of me. We weren't alike in the slightest.

This isn't the husband that I knew. It hurt to see it yet I also think they are both pathetic?

Also - he's never ever seen gavin and Stacey. I love gavin and Stacey but he would never ever watch it with me. So that did hurt to be honest. Even though I know it was just a bloody tik tok 🙄

Anyway my daughter didn't mean to upset me. It's just we haven't seen him in forever and she thought I would want to see. She also wasn't snooping - she came up as a suggested person as the new girlfriend has a daughter the same age as my daughter and they all have mutual friends - just not the same school thank goodness.

So yeah... not nice to see considering I haven't even seen a recent photo of him in months.

I won't look again and my daughter has blocked the account so she can't look either. We don't need to see it, it was just a shock for us both to see someone that still sort of feels like our family is now happy as Larry enjoying life while me and my family are still trying to pick up the pieces of his betrayal and abuse.

Everyone is telling me how classy I have handled this. I've let him go without saying a word. There's many things I could say. Many texts I could have sent when I feel he's let my son down but I'm just staying quiet. No reaction to anything. I ended up having to call the police the last time I saw him as he refused to leave our home and was scaring the life out of me. These tik toks were made 4 weeks later.

Don't know why I'm posting...just need to vent. Sorry x

It's great that she's taken him off your hands. Now she's got a gambling addict who's also abusive- which can only get worse when you throw alcohol into the mix. She's done you a favour, so get divorced ASAP because at some point she might realise how shit he is as a partner when the honeymoon phase has worn off. He may also be spending all family money, so get what you can before its all gone. You might find he tries crawling back at some point. Stand firm, it's better for your DC's that he stays away, especially as abusive. I'm sure your future will be a lot brighter without him.

I've filed for divorce. He was pressuring me to do it so I did. I've done everything I need too but now he seems to be stalling now it's his turn to do his bit. I'm using a solicitor seen as it's domestic abuse, I can get legal aid. He didn't want me to use a solicitor so I think that's pissed him off.

There's no money to take from him. Luckily I'm good with money and also sensible. There is nothing to sort financially- he's in shit lots of debt. If I don't hear from my solicitor by the end of the week then I'll ask them what's going on.

I just feel for ds. I'm not really comfortable with him being around this. Though he only sees his dad for a few hours every other weekend so I suppose there won't be too much damage. I won't be surprised if that stops anyway

Sounds like you have handled everything very well, it is odd when people seem to have a personality change.

If he is stalling maybe he is having second thoughts, but chase up solicitor like you said and focus on the near future when this is all over and you can breathe a sigh of relief he is someone else problem with all his debt.

Truthfully you might not be able to see it yet, but you ARE in the best position here.

He's basically moved onto a "new supply" because he sounds like he is pretty narcissistic to be fair. She's the new shiny toy and you're the old toy that he was bored with, so he's infatuated and doing all these things with her because that's what happens in the honeymoon phase.

They will be totally in love and he'll probably tell her he wished he'd met her years ago.

But then at some point it'll change, suddenly the same toxic traits you dealt with will start coming out in their relationship if they haven't already, because shiny newness doesn't last very long for people like him.

My ex did the same, I was everything to start with, and after our relationship ended he'd already lined someone up and I found a sex kit on the floor when I went back to our house to collect my things - I'd had enough and chose to leave because he was also abusive.

I was upset at the start, I was like "who the hell even were you" but I started to listen to people on Youtube like Stephanie Lynn and mental healness which actually provided a ton of clarity and 8 months on the shock has worn off and I'm actually a lot happier in myself than I was before. I am glad to be rid of him, his toxicity, his cheating, his drinking and his mess - yeah I miss him sometimes and wish it was different but I don't really blame myself anymore and I feel sorry for him more than anything.

Emotionally/mentally unhealthy people do this kind of thing and it always ends in disaster, nothing ever changes and this woman he's with now will go through the same thing you did whether it be in 10 weeks, 10 months or 10 years after marriage - it'll happen because that is who he is. They are just emotionally impotent people who have no self reflection and never learned how to be healthy because they see no issues with themselves.

Divorce and go for full custody, your son would be much better off without him in his life in any case.

He's being fake OP. If you are positive that he didn't like these things before then chances are he won't now either. He's just going along with it they are in the early stage. I would laugh and pity him if anything, and I'm not just saying that to make you feel better. Practically having a chuckle at the thought of the video now. The state of it!

Well I'm saying he didn't like a drink - he did in his younger days. Always going out getting arrested. He said that when he met me, I changed him and calmed him down. That's what everyone else said too.

He would go out maybe 3 times a year. He would get absolutely hammered when he did this but it was never a big deal. This looks like something he does constantly now though - always drinking at her house.

We never really had drink in the house.

I do think they look pathetic for their age. Especially with the drinking. It looks like that's all she does - though I know social media is only a glimpse of someone's life. But considering there isn't one tik tok of her without a drink in her hand it's not looking good.

Equally they could be a perfect match. Maybe the 8 years we had together he was bored. We never did much. Always trying to save for a mortgage. Which we didn't due to his gambling - thank goodness! She looks very reckless and impulsive and so is he.

He would want to book holiday after holiday and just stick it on the credit card or take a loan out. I would always say no and we never did it.

I just hope ds will be ok.

First post has nailed it @Opentooffers

You’re well rid. Get all you can financially and get divorced asap.
But keep/copy the drunk videos if you can as you might want to keep your younger dc away from that behaviour.

Your post has really helped me. Thank you so much.

Every week my therapist tells me he is a narcissist with out fail. I think he has borderline personality disorder too. But when you are in it, you just can't see it. I wonder if I'm making his abuse worse than it really was. Trying to make sense of it all is an absolute battle in my head.

Nice to know he's fine and over it though 🙄😂

You are a few months further than me so I really hope I'm where you are then. I do watch mental healness - is that the American guy who is a diagnosed narcissist? I love him if it is!

Again thank you for sharing - I'm sorry you've been through it too! X

We discussed his relationship in therapy with ds today. I might do a separate post about it.

I have a meeting tomorrow in school regarding ds and his emotional well being from the separation between me and his dad. This has been organised by social services.

I have to decide whether to access some more help but if I do, then they will need to speak to exh.

Exh has seen ds only 3 times since October and has introduced his new girlfriend to him. He has stopped paying me maintenance. Doesn't text to see how ds is or FaceTime him. He was too hungover to collect ds from one of these visits when he was supposed too. Left his car and the pub the night before so also not able to collect him. Again, it's not looking great.

I don't speak to him. I leave it all up to exh to contact.

It the honeymoon phase so he has to fit in with her and be all cool for her to like him. If she likes a drink and a party he now has to go along with everything she does, I think it's a form of mirroring.

You have done the best thing for you. And it is clear you have a good relationship with your dc and this is who matters now.

You are better off without him. I stopped trying to understand what my ex was doing, it's really not worth doing it to yourself. Once you let go of all their bullshit behaviour, you become indifferent to them and can start to heal.

Mine tried to get me arrested after threatening me, also started drinking, liquidated his pension and spent the lot on fancy restaurants, bars etc, paid for an overseas wedding to the tune of £25-30k before we were divorced (it was done as a blessing in the end), claimed no income, but renting a £3k pcm property etc etc. The divorce was drawn out, but the judge saw right through him.

Honestly, I feel grateful that I no longer have to deal with any of it. I spent most of my marriage on anti depressants and anti anxiety meds, and just never saw how bad things were.

I think she thought he was a catch as we had a nice lifestyle. She didn't realise it was my money and family background that enabled it. Last I heard, her house had been repossessed.

Hang in there, once they are out of your system (took me about five years to fully recover), life is wonderful.

Thank you for all replies.

I completely understand what you are all saying - makes perfect sense.

I'm just struggling so much with it all. Trying to separate my feelings and what's best for ds bit it's not like he just had an affair - he's very abusive to go with it.

But yeah those videos....pathetic 😂

Yeah it is, on some of his videos he cracks up laughing and I laugh along with him. He makes me see the funny side of the mess I ended up in.

Honestly it takes time, but it's kinda 1 step forward 5 steps back emotionally for a while but get therapy, look after yourself, and you will soon find that you are feeling better - it happens slowly and then at some point you don't think about them at all, I haven't hit that point yet, I'm not ready to date yet, but one day I will be and I am not rushing myself.

It does a number on you dealing with people like this because they are con artists and liars primarily but they are just seriously unhealthy people who will never actually get better unless they choose to. He has even put his own improvements down to your influence on his life and there is NOTHING wrong with how you are vs how his new (frankly narcissistic sounding) bit on the side is.

I can't imagine filming myself on Tik Tok! Cringe! I don't even have tik tok!

So you got the adult, responsible version of him, and she gets some moron who gets pissed and does the Gavin and Stacey rap on Tiktok? I think you got the better end of the deal!

If he's stopped paying maintenance voluntarily, go through CMS without a doubt.

My exH seemed to have a personality transplant too, once we divorced. Suddenly things he used to poo poo he started to 'love.' He got a puppy, (hated dogs) a caravan, (not even a camper van, an actual caravan, eek!) and most laughably of all, a matching wrist tattoo with his OW, when he had previously professed to despise tattoos. Embarrased for him.

Wow this woman has found herself a keeper! An abusive, gambling addict with an alcohol problem who cheated on his wife?! What a winner!!!

Sounds like he probably was content and happy with you and your kids living a quiet life, then a bit of boredom set in, met this OW who he obviously thought was exciting because she likes drinking and choreographing dance routines, decided to jump ship for a more exciting life and now has to fit in with her because he knows you won't take him back and otherwise he'll be homeless.

As for the TikToks... All I can say is, as soon as the honeymoon period is over he will look back and be mortified. Probably is already (hence why he has to be drinking to do them) but she'll be nagging him to do them and he can't have another failed relationship in such a short period of time.

Op, your ex is being whatever this new woman wants and expects him to be.

And then in about a year, it will all go to shit again.

Meanwhile, you make sure you and your dcs are ok. Protecting them. Being a rock for them.

Thank you - I am trying so hard. I've been at school all morning in a meeting for my son then all afternoon on the phone to child maintenance. It's taking over my life and very frustrating while he's just dancing about to gavin and Stacey without a care in the world.

My dc are my number 1 priority. I'm enjoying it being just me and them - it's so much better. I just hope I have all this weight lifted off my shoulders soon

XH looks like an entirely different person from the man I met. I met someone who was a non-smoking, sober, gym-going, Christian. His new DP is with a smoking, heavy drinker (read alcoholic), very unfit man (what a catch!) and I presume an atheist. He even uses a different nickname with her!
I think he’s narcissistic. There’s many traits. They adapt themselves to appear to be the person they think you want them to be. There’s overlaps with borderline but I feel that can be quite negative towards people with Borderline. Borderline folks often have a lot of awareness and through therapy, can make a lot of progress. Narcissists don’t have insight or motivation to change. XH had counselling for 9 months and quit saying he didn’t think he was getting anywhere (nope cos when you believe you’re perfect where’s the motivation to change?!).
I’ve posted before about Caroline Strawson. She was married to a narcissist who left her after cheating, left her in horrendous debt. She learned about narcissism and is now a trauma informed coach. Her social media may be enlightening for you and she does free masterclasses focusing on understanding and healing after narcissistic abuse. There’s a masterclass on parenting with a narcissist on Thursday night (online) that would be really helpful re your DS.

When I threw my exh out in 2012 someone showed me a pic of him on fb wearing his and hers Smurf outfits with a new gf. Nearly wet myself laughing. Never seen him since I got rid of him. Someone else's problem now. Maybe consider that view too op.

to be clear cut, he has abandoned your children and any responsibility he has for them. Financial, emotional, practical, any communication. What kind of man does that? Would you really want to be with someone with such poor morals. He’s abandoned the most precious people, his own blood for drink and a laugh with a new woman.

I know a man who did this, I think he was around the same age. Complete overhaul of his tastes and activities, and even dumped every single friend he had from his old life along with his wife and didn't see his kids much.
It was very odd, but apparently not that rare!

Abusers morph to reel in their victims. Then once they have them trapped, they don't have to pretend anymore.

He's probably also all over social media atm hoping you are watching as he cannot stand to think he is 'irrelevant' to anyone. He's hoping you are watching and pinning. Aww, diddums xD

He's her problem now. Just shore yourself up incase he tries to come back some day. They often do. Usually once you're back on your feet and so, an attractive prospect for draining the life our of again.

Thanks for pointing out your view on bpd - I'll take that into consideration going further. Ex has had therapy. It only when I was done with him. Not for himself - never because he wanted to change. It was because he knew I had always wanted him to go so he did it when I had finally had enough.

I'll definitely look out for Caroline Strawson - I've not heard of her. Thank you.

It's such a difficult process. It all seems so clear yet it's just a massive mess too. It's like my head believes it is all him yet my heart just blames myself for I don't know what!

I spent my life thinking he would change, if I acted a certain way then it would keep him happy. That's absolutely no way for anyone to live. But as I'm such a shy and quiet person in general with zero confidence then I just think that's my issue. The new girlfriend is the complete opposite by the looks so I actually think they will last....but then why do I care lol? In a way I hope they do!

So confusing!

I do wonder if this is why he's dragging the divorce. He was pushing me to file so I did. But now it's on him to sort his bit - either get a solicitor or do it himself. He has 2 weeks to contact my solicitor and as far as I'm aware he hasn't and the 2 weeks is nearly up.

I don't think he is going to come running back to me for a second but I'm not sure he actually wants the divorce deep down.

Regardless - it's happening!