Who the hell was my husband really?

[feelthehealer]

He's 42.

Ex husband. Going through a divorce. He with his current partner days after we separated - more than likely over lapped. No proof but I'm sure we did.

I haven't seen anything of my ex husband in almost 3 months. We have a son together who he rarely sees.

I've been good at not snooping at them. He's blocked on my Facebook (which is all the social media I have) and she's blocked me for some reason. Never spoken to her or met her in my life so who knows why.

I also have a daughter - she's 13. (She's from a previous relationship- she is not my ex husbands child)

She came home from school and said 'mum I've got to show you this'.

She had stumbled across my ex husbands new girlfriends tik tok account . There's only a few videos and they are of him and her. In these videos, they are both either drunk or drinking. Bitb have a glass in their hand. Both dancing about, both just being daft. There's one of them doing a gavin and Stacey sketch.

He would have never of done anything with me. I went through a phase of doing network marketing (don't come at me!) and would always try get him in my videos but the answer was always no.

He's 42. Never drunk while he was with me. Claimed that life wasn't for him anymore. He was a gambling addict and used to do football bets every single night. We never went out. He never wanted too. He was happy apparently with our quiet life. Though was very abusive - I'm still in therapy.

It also worries me - it shouldn't - but he is a gambling addict. Could he easily get addicted to alcohol? I have my son to think about here. There's other tik told if hair her and her mate dancing about with cans in their hands. It looks like drink is now a very big part of his life.

She's late thirties - was in my year at school though I didn't know her. The absolute opposite of me. We weren't alike in the slightest.

This isn't the husband that I knew. It hurt to see it yet I also think they are both pathetic?

Also - he's never ever seen gavin and Stacey. I love gavin and Stacey but he would never ever watch it with me. So that did hurt to be honest. Even though I know it was just a bloody tik tok 🙄

Anyway my daughter didn't mean to upset me. It's just we haven't seen him in forever and she thought I would want to see. She also wasn't snooping - she came up as a suggested person as the new girlfriend has a daughter the same age as my daughter and they all have mutual friends - just not the same school thank goodness.

So yeah... not nice to see considering I haven't even seen a recent photo of him in months.

I won't look again and my daughter has blocked the account so she can't look either. We don't need to see it, it was just a shock for us both to see someone that still sort of feels like our family is now happy as Larry enjoying life while me and my family are still trying to pick up the pieces of his betrayal and abuse.

Everyone is telling me how classy I have handled this. I've let him go without saying a word. There's many things I could say. Many texts I could have sent when I feel he's let my son down but I'm just staying quiet. No reaction to anything. I ended up having to call the police the last time I saw him as he refused to leave our home and was scaring the life out of me. These tik toks were made 4 weeks later.

Don't know why I'm posting...just need to vent. Sorry x

I think its like a toddler that puts a toy down. They might not want the toy back but still see it as 'theirs'.

In his mind you have no right to walk away. He's supposed to discard you (and even then yous still be 'his' if he wanted you back, in his mind).

You filling for divorce is you rejecting HIM, throwing HIM away. And he can't stand that.

Sucks to be him lol

I actually feel like I've been discarded but the reality is I haven't. Thank you - it makes sense!

He has done those things yes. I'm pretty certain he had her waiting in the wings until he was absolutely sure that he couldn't get anything else from me. I'll never know the answer which is fine.

But if you were to ask him he would say 'my wife didn't want me anymore' playing the victim. He would say he moved on because of that. I gave him absolutely everything I could until there was nothing left. I actually have no idea who ended that marriage. I had a massive trauma bond. I wanted it to be over but just could never ever say it.

You've filled in a lot of blanks from one tick tock video. You've made him into something else, which may well be true but you can't know he is always drinking and the life and soul.

You said yourself he liked to get hammered and you were the restraining factor.

I'm wondering if you filled in the blanks in your relationship too. This is not a dig, we all do it. We see the bits of the person we want them to be and ignore the rest, or at least push it to the back.

Whatever he is now isn't a reflection on what you did or didn't have. But you are not suited to him because you have split up (for what sounds like very good reason). Whatever you tamed is back out and has a bit of mid life crisis thrown in.

Social media is also performative and not real life.

Laugh at it, think 'thank christ' and move on. As for contact with your son, one step at a time and deal with things as they arise rather than predicting issues you don't yet have.

With all due respect I don't agree with filling in the blanks. It just proves what I've been told. It proves what I expected. I knew the minute we were thanks over that he would make my life hell. And he has. It's why I carried on trying for so long - you know when you leave that it will get worse so it's easier to stay in a lot of ways. Post separation abuse is very real.

Ex has already failed to collect ds once during to being hungover. There are multiple videos and pictures of them both with drinks in their hands on various different days - not always on a weekend. He has a very manual job - this is not what he would have usually done.

I said he would go out 3 times a year and get hammered. It looks like he's doing this more than 3 times a week now and because I know he has addiction issues (as most narcissistic people do) I worry about ds being around this....and rightly so. I also worry for him even though I shouldn't.

Every day I'm making sense of things and putting the pieces together, realising how abusive he actually was and still is.

Exs behaviour is extremely predictable. It comes as no surprise that he's done this. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

I don't think that OP has necessarily filled in the blanks so much as felt understandably confused by the situation - which is absolutely confusing. Social media of course is a highlights reel, but also when we're in relationships like this we do not tend to see the things we don't want to see - for example the person that was making our life hell may sometimes be really nice, we might have a nice place to live or tell ourselves that this is the life we always wanted when things are good. We are emotionally attached to them etc.

So yeah when they show their colours it can be really confusing and personally if we want to talk about filling in the blanks why don't we fill in the unspoken blank of the desperation to "show you're living your best life" that OPs ex partner must be feeling in order to post such a ridiculous video at no less than 42 years old. Who even does that? It's utterly vomit inducing.

He's basically pathetic, utterly an completely insecure, unhealthy and pathetic. So is his new bit on the side apparently seeing as she thinks doing this on tiktok is a good use of anyones time. You gotta ask yourself what they're trying to prove... and with that I think the answers are pretty clear... but the act is also massively transparent and desperate. Pitiful really.

I like your description - thank you!

Filling in the blanks isn't helpful. That's almost like I am making it sound like abuse when the reality is that it was.

was just a shock for us both to see someone that still sort of feels like our family is now happy as Larry enjoying life
how do you know he’s happy as Larry? Because you saw him performing for 30seconds on TikTok whilst he’s in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship?

If he was abusive to you he’ll be abusive to her. If he was a gambling addict a few months ago and he’s gotten no help, he’s still a gambling addict now. I’m sure you know better than to believe everything you see online, don’t forget that when it comes to him.

The only other thing is that your posts are all deep into wondering about his motivations, what he’s thinking, who he is. Are you maybe hoping he could change or you can save or fix him? His motivations his thoughts his emotions now don’t matter to you. He abused you, now you’re all safe. That’s what matters. Well done for getting out. Don’t let him live in your head rent free, from a distance.

So basically the OW has ended up with a drunken, immature, abusive, gambling deadbeat dad. And he's with a drunken, immature, neglectful mother who's moved this man in with her children, including a teenage girl?

Oh you have had such a great escape. Your children will be so much happier now.

It sounds like he doesn’t know who he is. So he hides behind addiction? He wants to be with her/impress her etc. So pretends to be someone’s he isn’t. The novelty will wear off. And you are free. Be mindful of your son’s relationship with him.

Thank you so much for your post. It makes perfect sense.

No I'm not hoping he will change and I definitely don't want to fix him. I am 100% done. It's just very difficult to co parent with someone you are so scared of. I've seen first hand how he can be with his other ex and it was truly awful. I do still feel he has some sort of hold over me which I need to break but it's definitely not out of love. It's more the trauma bond

No I don't think that you're making up abuse. I think the only filling in the blanks you've been actually doing is ignoring the abuse and telling yourself it's all in your head and that actually life is fine... and that carries on until basically now when you just think "I can't do this anymore".

I would will away any situations I didn't want to deal with or admit were "that bad" so I basically filled in the blanks to some degree but in the opposite way to what that poster was saying.

You're 100% on the money about what you're dealing with here, it is abuse, you are not wrong. To come to that conclusion is extremely difficult because who wants to see that? But you have now so don't let people tell you that it's wrong. How you feel matters. End of.

I always find it funny how the most random actions hurt us! Forget they beat us, abuse us and cheat and have addictions, the fact he did a Gavin and Stacey tiktok when you liked it and he didnt 😩 I felt the same with my ex, he had a terrible memory but when i found out he was cheating and saw messages that showed how well he could remember things towards the other woman, hurt me more than he had been having sex with both of us for 2 years 🤷🏻‍♀️

Be grateful she took him off your hands darling. The root of people cant change and you should celebrate that you arent being deceived and fooled anymore x

Thank God that dark cloud moved somewhere else OP. My advice is to focus solely on your family. You are independent financially and capable. Fast forward a few years and you would see that is best he is not in touch with your son. Raise a good kid without that bad example and excuse of a man.

Thank you all - I'm really appreciative of this thread.

There's just so much going on at the moment and also everything is out of my control to a certain extent.

• it's his day to have ds tomorrow. I have no idea if he will turn up. I'm sure he will but I've got no confirmation of this as it stands.

• his first maintenance payment is due today. So far, I have not received it.

• I am currently waiting for him to do what he needs to for the divorce. He had 2 weeks which is now up. I've not heard from my solicitors so I'm guessing they haven't heard from him. I will contact them on Monday to see what's going on.

• ds school have contacted him regarding ds (which I an annoyed at but was out of my hands) and I have no idea if he had co-operated with them or not. Again, I will ask on Monday.

There's so much more than the gavin and Stacey tik tok but it's just all so over whelming at the moment. I know it will get sorted eventually and every day is a further step but it feels like I'm getting absolutely no where.

I just struggle to understand what he is thinking and who the hell he really is. I think the reality is that he has no interest in ds and he doesn't even think about me anymore - which is fine but I'm also half expecting him to take me to court for access to ds and this whole silent treatment is really just a plan.

He was massive on silent treatment when I was with him too. The slighter thing used to cause him to not speak to me for days and he knows how much it upset me

Start making a record of every day that is "his day" to have DS and when he doesn't turn up. This will be valuable evidence for your lawyers.

The ship is wrecked and you’re swimming for shore. It’s natural to wonder what’s happening onboard but it’s hard to swim looking backwards.

You could go on for a long time psychoanalysing your ex and trying to make sense of his sudden personality transplant, but honestly, fuck him, who cares? He made his choice, good luck to him, let’s see how well it turns out.

He’ll be dragging his heels because getting divorced is time-consuming, expensive and ordinarily involves a plethora of boring tasks and uncomfortable conversations. I bet you did the life admin when you were together? He sounds immature and selfish, he’s recast himself as Fun Time Frankie, he won’t want the big doses of reality.

Personally, I’d view it as a good thing your children are aware of his new lifestyle, as they’ll be less likely to want to spend significant amounts of time with him, and be hurt/confused by his chimpery.

Enjoy your new freedom and take care of yourself, you’re doing a great job for your kids.

Thank you, you are correct - it's weird as I don't care yet I'm just so confused. I'm not losing any sleep on a night wondering what he's doing and crying myself to sleep. I enjoy not speaking to him. It's just the healing process I guess....

Yeah I did everything, even made his own doctors appointments. He is the most organised person when it comes to life admin where as I am the opposite.

You’re right, it’s totally healthy to wonder why, it’s a huge life event to process, and as you’re a rational person who makes life decisions for the common good, his behaviour and (apparent) thought processes will be particularly bewildering. Sometimes understanding helps to draw a line under hurt.

Sometimes seeking answers can lead to a ‘why spiral’ - I’ve been known to get sucked into a why vortex!

Some people find this model helpful.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fivewhys

What’s interesting is this bit ‘the real root cause should point toward a process that is not working well or does not exist.’ From what you’ve said here, his problems predate you, and will exist long after you’re completely free of his BS.

PS. Excellent advice on here about diarising his interactions with his children so if he does start trying it on, you can prove a pattern of behaviour.

Thank you - I will certainly look into that. I appreciate it, thank you.

It's just very frustrating that I can't stop thinking about all. I know I will in time and I've just got to let my mind do its processing. I find myself having to prepare for every possible situation because I have absolutely no idea what's actually going on.

I'm sure he will collect ds tomorrow - but equally I can't text him to ask just incase. I don't want to push contact and the ball has to be in his court. It's such a nightmare!

Thanks so much for all your input!

Some men never do anything right by you, then meet somebody new and do all the things you needed them to do for years with the new person
usually the new person sees through this and ends up dumping them. This was the exact same thing with my dd father
it’s a rebound

If he fails to pick up ds I would simply text and say as this has happened more than one once you will now pick ds up and he can only collect from you in future. I know this makes your life more difficult but it we will avoid the worry of will he/won't he. I'd make no effort to chase him after that and hope he drifted away. Good luck OP.

She's now pregnant with his child so I really have no idea what's going to happen. He said it wasn't planned, I don't believe that for a second. It what he does - wants you to get pregnant straight away.

Contact has resumed to 1 day every other weekend but it hasn't been easy. And it won't be going forward now there will be another child involved.

I hope you're doing ok and that the last three months have helped you recover a bit.

Does he manage the contact each time? How is the divorce progressing?

Wow he really is a total car crash isn't he.
Hope you are starting to be able to detach and just focus on protecting your son as best you can.
I hope this other woman can stop drinking while pregnant, foetal alcohol syndrome is no joke. 😔