Threesome

[Stars44]

I am in touch with women’s aid dur to domestic abuse, I’ve only really started to admit it to myself very recently.
A few months ago my husband and I discussed having a threesome I said it was a terrible idea but at his insistence and he was going through a nice period I gave in.
Anyway as to be expected it didn’t go well.
Afterwards he was shouting at me to apologise for kissing this person even though he said ok to that and made up most of the rules.
He started saying he wanted to divorce etc, and as we were on holiday that night he drove me into the town walked so fast I lost him and he gave me money and told me to get my own dinner.
ive put up with a lot of bad behaviour from him (physical and emotional) always believing in his good side.
I did something I shouldn’t have and I met up with this other person for a few hours. I shouldn’t have done it and there’s no excuse.
Husband of course found out and has told everyone we know about my fling failing to mention the threesome or how I even met this person. He also tried 2 weeks later to get me to go to a swingers club and to have another threesome !!!!!
He also told my 17 year old son that I’d had an affair !!!!! Even though I begged him not to and that it was our business nobody needed to know. He said he was the victim and our son and other people should know
Now I’m experiencing terrible behaviour from my son. He’s lost respect for me. I feel so upset. I am making plans to leave him though it is a slow process

Do you have a question, OP?
I understand you've been through a rough time, and I empathize with you.
But you've started the process of leaving him and that's all you can do right now.

Is there anything you want from posting here?

Just to vent tbh

That's OK 👍 venting too

Totally understandable reaction that is ....

Why are you not setting people straight on what happened? Why not let your son know how you met? Was this other person male or female? It might be relevant as to how he sees it, but it's odd behaviour and shows he just set you up really so he had another stick to beat you with. Until you correct people on the circumstances, he will continue to try and act the victim.
All in all, if he wants a divorce now, it's doing you a favour. Is your son a witness to the violence, if so its hard to seehow hes not lost respect for his father either?

Does your son know the truth or your DH version? Although it’s not something I’d like to discuss with my own child I think given the circumstances and he is 17 I would tell him the whole truth.

Well the son thing is an easy fix. 'I didn't have an affair. Your father coerced me into a threesome. I just did it to stop his damn asking. And now he's coming out with this shit! Incase you hadn't noticed, he's an arsehole'.

Unless your son is the same as his father, he'll understand. Don't let his dad tell him lies like that and let it slide. Though I suspect he already knows and is just like his dad so is playing along. Or knows but knows if he doesn't pretend to believe his dad, and treat you badly, then his dad will turn on him too.

Tell your son the truth.
A little embarrassment is better than him believing his dad's crap. Add 'i hate it when he lies to you and uses you like a pawn'.

And get away from your psychopath of a husband because he's dangerous and means you serious harm. It doesn't matter what other people believe. It really doesn't. Abusers convince you the whole world is looking and judging. The truth is, most people who are closest to you know he's a pig, even if that are in denial. They also know you probably didn't cheat.

Time to say 'enough' and leave him. Irregardless of if you'd been the perfect person and partner he'd still lie and make put you were bad. The trick is to stop caring about what he says or thinks. Just go 'oh he said that did he? Haha honestly what next?' And roll your eyes, should anyone mention the shit he says.

Get free. Cut out any other toxic people from your life too.

I know it seems like you're in a cage atm. But you actually have a key to it. It's far less scary outside the cage. Go!

When you met up with this second person again, was it just as friends or did you have sex? You call it your fling so I assume you met them for sex, and that’s why he’s upset, he sees it as you cheated?

Tell your son the truth, that you were made to have a threesome that you didn't want. Do not accept any bad behaviour from him.

Tell everyone else the truth. Then divorce your abusive husband.

ive put up with a lot of bad behaviour from him (physical and emotional) always believing in his good side.

Why? Why are you still with him?

But that’s not what happened, she said she said yes as he was insistent and going through a nice period. She agreed to it. And from what I can see she then met the person and had sex with them again, on her own, which is what’s caused the problem.

@Frasers i dint think that’s where the problem is.

The problem is that the OP is in an abusive relationship and is trying to get out with the support of WA.
Im surprised you haven’t clocked that.

No she thought a threesome was a terrible idea, she didn't want to do it but he kept on until she said yes.
He was a cunt to her immediately after it.

He's also physically abusive.

He was accusing her of shit before she went back to see the person anyway. Because uts not about an 'affair' it's about controlling and abusing her.

I got that, give over, that doesn’t mean she was made to habe a three some against her will.

It’s not a no, the two are not mutually exclusive, he can be a cunt and physically abusive and she can still have said yes as he was being nice,and then Cheated on him.

I don’t understand the issue, the facts are the facts, it doesn’t make him any less of a cunt or physically abusive if she agreed and cheated.

I certainly don’t want to tell my son about the threesome.
But I agree it’s like he set it up !
He is very close to his dad.
He has witnessed him having angry outbursts

We'll have to agree to disagree then.

Frankly if my husband was physically and emotionally abusive I'd probably look elsewhere too until I could get rid of him.

Can you tell your son about how abusive his dad is?

'I certainly don't want to tell my son about the threesome'.

As opposed to not telling him and ruining your relationship with him forever? Sorry op but you need to tell him or he'll side with his psycho dad. His dad is counting on the lies thriving in secrecy. He will continue to poison your son against you if he thinks you won't defend yourself.

'It's like he set me up'.
It's not LIKE. He did set you up. The whole threesome was just to set you up. Thqt was his whole plan. That's what abusers do.

They get you stuck on a merry go round of - 'prove your innocence/worth/love/loyalty/goodness'. So stuck trying to explain yourself that you don't realise instead of looking inwards you need to see them for the beast they are and gtf away from them.

How can you be helped to leave your abuser?
Can you afford to move out on your own?

I’m in the process of leaving him. It’s really hard mentally at the moment.
My son is now in trouble at school for some strong political opinions that his father is encouraging and I just feel at a loss

Oh dear...the parroting the abuser stage in adolescents is not fun. With a bit of luck, in a few years once he's moved away from his dad and had time to grow as a person he will realise he doesn't even feel strongly about the opinions that came from his dad. That he was just trained to parrot his allegiance by speaking his dads opinions to all who would hear.

I would have a talk with the school about things.

In the mean time I would say "son, it pays to have your own opinions in life and think for yourself, not just parrot your father, who incase you hadn't noticed, is not the nicest of people. You are at an age now where soon you'll have to decide what kind of man you want to be. Someone who is good and kind and wants to make the world a warmer place to be in. Or someone who is mean and bitter and leaves everyone worse off for meeting him. I hope you'll make the right choice".

I think you really need to be honest with your son. His dad is manipulative to him also. He is weaponising your son. Good luck💐💐

Thanks for all the supportive messages it very much appreciated

@Stars44

The way i see this issue of yours,

is you are obviously in a coercive co dependency emotionally psychologically sexually abusive relantship,

there is something about your husband that he is master manipulativor,

hence the threesome,

I think doing something you regret whilst out on a night out, was a moment of weakness on your part which highlights,
the lack of "emotional intimacy" in your relationship with your husband,

with your husband sex, is like a bargaining tool a weapon that he uses to manipulate you, to gain the upper hand,
as he " gets off on the drama and the tension the manipulative control" this creates,

he probably finds normality too boring vanilla,

Hence the need to instigate high drama ect to make life more interesting 🤔 every so often in whatever way he thinks is most effective at that time,

Your husband is using your son taking advantage of him, cause he is impressionable teenager as a manipulative way,
so by causing conflict it potentially undermines "togetherness creates tension and disharmony",

so your son is in environment mixed loyalties and having to choose who to be most loyal too,

Hence your husband lying about you having a affair,

Please 🙏 Don't listen to @pinkyredrose advice,
you don't need to admit to your son about the coercive manipulative control threesome you had,

I think you need to chat to your son and explain to him that you no longer love his father because of how abusive he is in so many different ways,

State clearly you are definitely not having an affair,
but you just can not simply live with his father any longer
Cause their is no love or respect for you in this relationship and its been like that for some time or quite a while,

He also told me after all this upset that he wanted to have a threesome with a friend of his!! And that he would like to sleep with another man as he might be bisexual after telling me for years he wasn’t gay/bi as I had my doubts mainly his buying of sex toys and wanting me to wear a strap on which I regretted at the time and even more so now.