Threesome

[Stars44]

I am in touch with women’s aid dur to domestic abuse, I’ve only really started to admit it to myself very recently.
A few months ago my husband and I discussed having a threesome I said it was a terrible idea but at his insistence and he was going through a nice period I gave in.
Anyway as to be expected it didn’t go well.
Afterwards he was shouting at me to apologise for kissing this person even though he said ok to that and made up most of the rules.
He started saying he wanted to divorce etc, and as we were on holiday that night he drove me into the town walked so fast I lost him and he gave me money and told me to get my own dinner.
ive put up with a lot of bad behaviour from him (physical and emotional) always believing in his good side.
I did something I shouldn’t have and I met up with this other person for a few hours. I shouldn’t have done it and there’s no excuse.
Husband of course found out and has told everyone we know about my fling failing to mention the threesome or how I even met this person. He also tried 2 weeks later to get me to go to a swingers club and to have another threesome !!!!!
He also told my 17 year old son that I’d had an affair !!!!! Even though I begged him not to and that it was our business nobody needed to know. He said he was the victim and our son and other people should know
Now I’m experiencing terrible behaviour from my son. He’s lost respect for me. I feel so upset. I am making plans to leave him though it is a slow process

Op are you going to leave him?

Sorry just saw you're in the process of leaving him. Not a moment too soon, he's obviously poisoning your son.

Do you have a rough date ìn mind when you can leave or he leaves?

Sending unmumsnetty hugs

Jeremy Kyle?

Not yet, I’m still in the early stages of planning it all with the help of women’s aid. Thank you

I was in a domestic abuse marriage for 17 years and left 4 years ago. I just want to reassure you that you can and will get out with the support from womens aid and having an exit plan in place. It's hard for women who haven't been in our position to understand why we can't just leave immediately and why its so dangerous for us.

Only you know when you'll be ready and able to leave.

Take all the help you're offered and ask for support when you need it. You aren't alone and none of this is your fault 🩷

He's an abusive pos and you have done nothing wrong.
I had this done to me talked into going to a swingers club that I didn't really want to.. to please him... and then was berated about it as though I'd cheated.. called a whore etc.
I look back and can't believe what I put up with. He was deeply insecure and controlling. It's just abuse.
He set you up to fail here. He got what he wanted sexually and on top of that can use the concept of it in some power game to try and make you feel like shit.
Don't be ashamed. Set people straight about what actually happened.
And please leave him.

Ooh Lord this is worse than Eastenders..

He is abusive and he abused you in many ways, the coercion, the denial, the blaming all that he did with the threesome was just another of his abuses.

Forgive yourself and vent as much as you need but don't get stuck in the past. You got a bright future without him.

Thank you for this I’ve blamed
myself especially for the threesome

OP definitely give your son some more context, this could be bad for your relationship with him but also lead him to believe the way his dad treats you is normal, which is bound to spill over into his own relationships. So can we establish what happened on the separate meet up with the threesome guy?

In your area, can you self refer for counselling?
When I did that, it took a couple of weeks to have my first appointment.

I appreciate it would feel like a long time for you just now, but I’m wondering if speaking to someone would help. Both in carrying in finding the strength to leave him and to find ways to approach things with your ds.
Definitively, speak to the school re the current situation at home.

I just want to reiterate that you are the victim in there. There is nothing for you to be ashamed of. Not even the ‘fling’ when he actually created the exact situation for that to happen. And he knew it. It’s just one more of his manipulation to get you to do whatever he wants.

This is what happens when you stay in abusive marriages: it affects children in a very negative way, they loose respect for their parents (or one of them) or they can become abusers themselves because that’s what they saw growing up. Your son is going this route. Parents are role models. If you don’t act now and set example for your children they’re going to get the message from their parents that “this is the way women get treated”. If you’re not willing to leave for yourself please do it for the children.

No need for me to comment. This comment sums it up perfectly

I went through similar when I was married. I'm currently considering whether to report this formally to the police as sexual assault and coercion. (There's more to it including being spied on and physical assault).
This is not your fault, you were essentially groomed like me. People who haven't been controlled don't get it and can't believe you'd do something like that without your permission but it happens. Even the meeting up with the threesome person is part of it because it makes you feel good and in control for a while.
Look after yourself, this isn't on you. I'd suggest some counselling and contacting women's aid.

Meeting up with him and spending time in his company made me feel good and like my own self. He made me feel alive again
I thought for a long time that I was a bit depressed because I I was overly tired etc but I now believe it’s because I’ve been carrying around a secret and it’s eating away at me.

The person I met up with texted me straight after the threesome to ask if I was ok as they could tell my husband was angry. He told me I had nothing to apologise for as my husband had agreed to and fixed some of the boundaries.

@Stars44 Don't say anything to your son about any plans to leave you have, as it could get back to his dad, your abuser. Not worth the risk. You want your plan to go as smoothly as possible. I wouldn't say much to your son at all for that reason, you don't want to antagonise someone abusive while you still have to live with them, and in the run up to leaving. Maybe just say 'It isn't like that. I'll explain to you one day.'

You got off with someone else behind your husband's back (out of revenge?) but it's nothing compared to the abuse you're experiencing. People do all sorts of things when they're experiencing this amount of stress. And when women are abused/controlled, they find ways of finding something that's their own, freedom and autonomy.

So you only met up with the guy after and didn't shag him? If it was a meet up for a coffee then it's a non event, and even worse that your H is making out you had an affair with him. You at least need to tell your son it was just a coffee, this is ludicrous!

Please please don't tell your 17yo son that you had a threesome

Did you tell your husband after you did it, or how did he find out? I know it's natural to want to annoy someone awful, but be very careful not to antagonise an abusive, violent person. Keep your head down and work on your plans.

I certainly didn’t antagonise him I’m not like that. He found out

I certainly didn’t antagonise him I’m not like that. He found out

You're headed in the right direction. Keep going forward with your plans. x

Focus on the ménage a trois really isn’t the issue but the OP seems to repeat the word. Wondering why.

@Wanttolikekimchee Me too. With that and other details, OP is very forthcoming.

Because she has been traumatised.
And it was obvious enough to the 3rd person that they reached out to her.

It’s not easy to talk about your own trauma, esp when it’s so new/raw. I’m not sure why it’s so surprising to you.