Dating a non-monogamous person and can't handle it any more

[dontcallmekid]

I am in desperate need of some advice and/or just a sounding board for the situation I am currently in.
I am a lesbian woman. I struggle with dating, for several reasons, the first being that I am diagnosed with ADHD (and am most probably autistic) – I am quite an odd, complex person with deep emotions and I find it really hard to find someone I can connect with on every level. I’ve also gone through numerous heartbreaks, been cheated on and had a very difficult childhood meaning I have issues relating to trust, self-esteem and rejection.

Around November 2023 I started dating a woman I have known peripherally for a few years now, whom I will refer to as “T”. After our first date, but before we slept together, she informed me that she is currently part of an “arrangement” with a married woman she met on a dating site who wants to explore her sexuality (with the knowledge/consent of her husband). I will refer to this woman as R. Basically, T and R meet from time to time, have dinner, and have sex. The husband is not involved.

T made it clear that she intended to continue with this arrangement, as it is a fairly new thing for her and is enabling her to fulfil a desire for exploration that she has held for a very long time but never pursued. I told her that I was not particularly keen on the idea of it, partially due to the cheating in my past relationships and also due to being a monogamist at heart, but that I was happy to continue seeing her for the time being. At that point, I wasn’t sure whether I wanted a relationship – T was the first person I had dated in a while and I was in a bit of a transitional life phase, starting a new job etc so wasn’t taking anything too seriously.

So, we continued dating, and in true lesbian fashion the relationship progressed rather quickly. Our connection – emotionally, intellectually, sexually, physically, is unlike anything I’ve ever known, and I am falling deeply in love with her. She might well be the only person in the world who understands exactly how my brain works, how to communicate with me, how to support me. How to make me feel loved. She treats me with the utmost kindness, respect and admiration, and I feel more comfortable with her than I have with anyone I’ve ever been with. She has made it clear that she feels very strongly about me and wants a future together.

Based on all of this, I (foolishly) began to believe that she might change her mind regarding the non-monogamy. I felt as though I had made it clear that I would not be okay entering a committed relationship with her whilst she was still in her “arrangement”, so I assumed that if she got to the stage of wanting a relationship with me then she would be willing to give up the arrangement.

Anyway, just over a week ago, we were lying in bed and she picked up her phone, and I saw a notification pop up from R. Although I knew deep down that the arrangement was still ongoing, seeing confirmation of it made me feel ill. I tried to supress it but the next day ended up telling her that I can’t continue to see her unless she ends the arrangement. A very heated discussion ensued, which basically concluded with her saying she isn’t willing to end the arrangement because it’s “something she needs”. I told her I couldn’t continue, and ended things.

However, on Saturday just gone we were both out drinking and ended up together. (She also met one of my closest friends and they got on brilliantly which has twisted the knife even further). We ended up spending the rest of the weekend together and sleeping together, and are now back in contact, and seemingly back to normal, having had a lovely romantic evening last night where it felt like last weekend’s events never even occurred.

But I am in despair. I don’t know how to proceed. I feel so, so strongly about her. During the days that we weren’t speaking, I felt awfully empty without her. Like I said, our connection is very special and unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I can imagine settling down with her. But it seems she isn’t willing to give up the arrangement.

I don’t know what to do, because I really don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to lose what we have. She makes me really, really happy and life has felt so beautiful ever since she arrived in it. But I also know that I can NEVER be okay with non-monogamy. I have spent hours and hours agonising over it, trying to educate myself, trying to view it from different perspectives, trying to force myself to be okay with it, but I just can’t. The thought makes me feel physically unwell. There was a night in December when she told me she wouldn’t be responsive to messages as she was going to R’s house, and that genuinely was one of the worst nights I have had in a long time. I felt physically sick with jealousy and anxiety and thoughts of what they might be doing. So I told her that the next time they met, I didn’t want to know about it at all.

Which leads me to tonight. She has been uncharacteristically silent for the last few hours which can only mean one thing as we usually text throughout the evening and she normally tells me if she’s seeing a friend or family or whatever. And I am back to the way I felt in December. Anxious, inadequate, unwanted, betrayed.

I don’t even know what I want. Perhaps one of you can convince me of the benefits of non-monogamy, how to trick my brain into being okay with it?
How to continue to have her in my life and be okay with the fact we can never be together?
How to somehow convince her to change her mind? Or how to walk away from the best thing I’ve ever had?
I don’t know.

She has been completely honest with you and you know yourself. If you won’t be okay with this, then you won’t be and you need to break it off.

I was in a non-monogamous relationship many years ago, and like you, I found it very upsetting.

I’m sorry, but you need to walk away. She knows how you feel but clearly she wants to maintain the current situation. I am sorry that this is going to sound harsh, but if she doesn’t wish to change and prioritise you, there is absolutely NOTHING you can do. Don’t try to make yourself feel okay with this when you are clearly not.

You can't.
I've been through this. My DH was in a non monogamous relationship when we got together and we had some proper ups and downs over that. I really wanted to be ok with it but I wasn't, not with the way things were. We got through it and remain non monogamous but I was wanting to be non monogamous myself AND I set the parameters that I'm comfortable with and he's happy to stick to.
You don't sound like you have any interest in non monogamy yourself. You can't be ok with this if you just aren't.

Unfortunately, you're just putting off the inevitable. This isn't going to work, you are different people in terms of relationship needs. It's best to rip off the plaster and try and move on, as painful as it is.

But she does make you very very happy does she. Not from her behaviour. This isn't going to work. You know that.

Argh doesn't make you happy.

You poor thing 😔
But can I correct you, she doesn't make you feel loved, she makes you feel insecure.

I did Internet dating in my 40s, gave up at about 47. But if anybody had been so blatantly upfront that they weren't going to be faithful, I'd have put breaks on.

You need to withdraw a bit. Plan something with other friends. Do your hobbies. Leave longer between dates.

Date somebody else??

You’re not compatible and this relationship has no future. It’s going to be painful but you need to go cold Turkey and stop seeing her.

She actually doesn't make you "really really happy." She makes you sad, insecure, despondent and resentful.

She was crystal clear from the beginning, you just don't want to accept it.

Stop being your own worst enemy and end it for good.

I don't think you can or should force yourself. You are already in pain. I think you do need to be true to yourself and walk away.

I'm like you. I want to be ok with this but I just can't be, I get so sad and riven with jealousy, I just can't do it and my partner - who is up for free love and would like to have more experience, as I'm only the second person he slept with - has accepted that it's me or that. And he's chosen me, at least for the time being/I have a change of heart.

I mean, you love her and she sounds awesome but she does this, which is seriously detrimental to your mental health, which is not sustainable for you. There's not really a compromise position here, is there.

Unfortunately I think you have to walk away.

You are only two months in, if I read this correctly, so all the stuff about her being the best person you ever met is lust and superficial. You don’t really know her as a person yet; how can you after two months? And what you do know in part is causing you distress and insecurity.
I think there has been an element of love-bombing here (or at least rushing in), and T has not listened to what you said about ending it (and you have not kept the boundaries in place).
are you sure that her ‘getting you’ is not just her mirroring you and what you want to see/believe? You are now hooked and basically unless you put some clear boundaries in place, T knows that she can come and go as she pleases and you are just going to feel more and more devalued, chasing something she is not willing to give you. She doesn’t love you, she is taking from you.
You have told her that you don’t want to do the relationship in a non-monogamous way. A good person would respect that and stay away from you if they could not be monogamous.

T sounds too good to be true. She even hit it off with your good friend on their first meeting.

I'd say run a mile from this woman. It's very possible that she does a lot of mirroring, a narcissistic trait, which makes everyone she's involved with believe that she truly "gets" them.

I think this is absolutely spot on. You barely know this person, and she barely knows you. It is all far too much, far too "perfect" to be trusted. I think this woman is very, very skilled at telling you everything you want to hear and making you feel how you want to feel.

You make think this off-the-charts connection and intensity is magical and special, when it's actually quite often a big red flag.

@Brandyb are you comfortable sharing how you got to that stage? Did you give him an ultimatum or did he come around to it organically? And how long into the dating/relationship did he make that decision?

Part of me wants to believe that if we keep seeing each other in the way we have been that she might come around to it and decide to choose me over the non-monogamy... but the other replies on this post are lessening my hopes of that

Walk away. It will only be continuous heartbreak for you otherwise. I’m sorry to be blunt, but you’re not her special one OP - otherwise she’d stop seeing R.

I had a similar situation many years ago and walked away before I got too involved. I never once regretted it.

You're hoping she will suddenly want to be monogamous - it's not going to happen. Not everyone is wired that way, just like you're not wired to be polyamorous.

You have to end it.

If you were to end it, and explain very clearly why, she would have an opportunity to reconsider what she wants most. But you have to mean it and not go back at all.

If she realises she wants you and asks for another chance, that could work - but don’t be hanging on waiting for her. Crack on with your own life. You may find after a while that you actually don’t want her.

I second this, I think most people would feel as you do, and I don’t think a good person who cares about you would want you to feel that way.

What sort of person would want to see a married woman for a ‘second best’ shag rather than have a fulfilling relationship with one person anyway, you can do better than that.

I don’t know what to do, because I really don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to lose what we have. She makes me really, really happy and life has felt so beautiful ever since she arrived in it.
Except when you feel like shit because you know she is messaging or spending time with someone else.

I don't know that it is possible to magically become ok with it.

This is the reality of relationships ending - it's not hard to break up with someone when you not longer feel anything for them or have any attraction to them.

I'd like to thank everyone who has replied. If nothing else, you have helped me to feel less alone tonight and to believe that my feelings are valid.

I'm not sure about the narcissism accusations. I appreciate that we've only been dating for a couple of months, but I have known her for much longer than that. I've been with her around her friends/colleagues on multiple occasions and observed her behaviour with them and she has been consistent in every environment I've seen her in, for the entire time I've known her. Kind, polite, caring.
She is also neurodivergent, which is part of the reason we get on so well. We have a lot of common interests, things that I know cannot be "mirroring" as it is well evidenced that she has had those interests for a long time.

What many of you have suggested is true. I have been hanging on, hoping that she will one day change her mind. But I am starting to think that what @brainworms said might be true - that some people are just wired that way and some aren't.

One thing I didn't mention in the post is that we went on one date in October, the same week that I started my new job. Whilst I enjoyed the date, I was very busy with the new job and struggled to maintain contact with her, so we didn't speak for a few weeks. It was during those weeks that she finally decided to explore the non monogamy, for the first time in her life, since the date with me had "failed". By the time I arranged to meet her for a second date in November, the arrangement had begun.
I am now kicking myself thinking that had I not gone AWOL after the first date then this would never have happened. But one thing I find really difficult to fathom is the fact that she won't consider giving it up even though it's relatively new and she's gone through several decades of life without it, so why can't she give it up now? But like pps have suggested, maybe she is just wired that way and there's nothing I can do to change that.

I had a patch of time being non-monogamous. I think perhaps there is a strand of me that can cope with it - that is wired that way - but one thing I am certain of. When I was doing it, it was about me and stuff going on in my life. It was nothing to do with how my partners were.

You are clearly very in love and it would lead me to question if she feels the same? If she does then why would she want to hurt you ?

When I was much younger, I was in a relationship very much like this with someone who always had to have someone else (sometimes a man, sometimes a woman). She made me feel brilliant, loved, desired, known, all the things that one wants and that you get with her when she's with you. But non-monogamy wasn't her thing (she was less upfront about it than T is) and, like you, I felt absolutely devastated when she was with the other person. I spent 4 years hoping she'd change before I managed to see what she really was. Like everyone else on this thread I strongly recommend that you stop, however awful it seems now. She is not good news, and won't be. Plus I think the idea that if you hadn't been busy with your new job she would have not experimented with non-monogamy is most unlikely to be true.

She’s in love with married woman and you sound like second best to me. Sorry that’s how I read your post.