Dating a non-monogamous person and can't handle it any more

[dontcallmekid]

I am in desperate need of some advice and/or just a sounding board for the situation I am currently in.
I am a lesbian woman. I struggle with dating, for several reasons, the first being that I am diagnosed with ADHD (and am most probably autistic) – I am quite an odd, complex person with deep emotions and I find it really hard to find someone I can connect with on every level. I’ve also gone through numerous heartbreaks, been cheated on and had a very difficult childhood meaning I have issues relating to trust, self-esteem and rejection.

Around November 2023 I started dating a woman I have known peripherally for a few years now, whom I will refer to as “T”. After our first date, but before we slept together, she informed me that she is currently part of an “arrangement” with a married woman she met on a dating site who wants to explore her sexuality (with the knowledge/consent of her husband). I will refer to this woman as R. Basically, T and R meet from time to time, have dinner, and have sex. The husband is not involved.

T made it clear that she intended to continue with this arrangement, as it is a fairly new thing for her and is enabling her to fulfil a desire for exploration that she has held for a very long time but never pursued. I told her that I was not particularly keen on the idea of it, partially due to the cheating in my past relationships and also due to being a monogamist at heart, but that I was happy to continue seeing her for the time being. At that point, I wasn’t sure whether I wanted a relationship – T was the first person I had dated in a while and I was in a bit of a transitional life phase, starting a new job etc so wasn’t taking anything too seriously.

So, we continued dating, and in true lesbian fashion the relationship progressed rather quickly. Our connection – emotionally, intellectually, sexually, physically, is unlike anything I’ve ever known, and I am falling deeply in love with her. She might well be the only person in the world who understands exactly how my brain works, how to communicate with me, how to support me. How to make me feel loved. She treats me with the utmost kindness, respect and admiration, and I feel more comfortable with her than I have with anyone I’ve ever been with. She has made it clear that she feels very strongly about me and wants a future together.

Based on all of this, I (foolishly) began to believe that she might change her mind regarding the non-monogamy. I felt as though I had made it clear that I would not be okay entering a committed relationship with her whilst she was still in her “arrangement”, so I assumed that if she got to the stage of wanting a relationship with me then she would be willing to give up the arrangement.

Anyway, just over a week ago, we were lying in bed and she picked up her phone, and I saw a notification pop up from R. Although I knew deep down that the arrangement was still ongoing, seeing confirmation of it made me feel ill. I tried to supress it but the next day ended up telling her that I can’t continue to see her unless she ends the arrangement. A very heated discussion ensued, which basically concluded with her saying she isn’t willing to end the arrangement because it’s “something she needs”. I told her I couldn’t continue, and ended things.

However, on Saturday just gone we were both out drinking and ended up together. (She also met one of my closest friends and they got on brilliantly which has twisted the knife even further). We ended up spending the rest of the weekend together and sleeping together, and are now back in contact, and seemingly back to normal, having had a lovely romantic evening last night where it felt like last weekend’s events never even occurred.

But I am in despair. I don’t know how to proceed. I feel so, so strongly about her. During the days that we weren’t speaking, I felt awfully empty without her. Like I said, our connection is very special and unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I can imagine settling down with her. But it seems she isn’t willing to give up the arrangement.

I don’t know what to do, because I really don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to lose what we have. She makes me really, really happy and life has felt so beautiful ever since she arrived in it. But I also know that I can NEVER be okay with non-monogamy. I have spent hours and hours agonising over it, trying to educate myself, trying to view it from different perspectives, trying to force myself to be okay with it, but I just can’t. The thought makes me feel physically unwell. There was a night in December when she told me she wouldn’t be responsive to messages as she was going to R’s house, and that genuinely was one of the worst nights I have had in a long time. I felt physically sick with jealousy and anxiety and thoughts of what they might be doing. So I told her that the next time they met, I didn’t want to know about it at all.

Which leads me to tonight. She has been uncharacteristically silent for the last few hours which can only mean one thing as we usually text throughout the evening and she normally tells me if she’s seeing a friend or family or whatever. And I am back to the way I felt in December. Anxious, inadequate, unwanted, betrayed.

I don’t even know what I want. Perhaps one of you can convince me of the benefits of non-monogamy, how to trick my brain into being okay with it?
How to continue to have her in my life and be okay with the fact we can never be together?
How to somehow convince her to change her mind? Or how to walk away from the best thing I’ve ever had?
I don’t know.

Have you ever had support or counselling around your past?

Some of what you say screams trauma. Believing in a deep connection, she gets me like no other, so well matched, best thing I've ever had, love like no other, only she gets me etc after a short period of time is something I've heard a few times from people who've been hurt in the past and take too much of their worth and esteem from the perceived strength of a magical bond with one single person. In reality, your connections should be myriad across work, friends and family and knowing that you're valued by a group of people is far more stable than building up an unhealthy and mismatched relationship as a model of perfection.

You are not suited to this person and they don't see your relationship as you do. You have consented to this arrangement and continue to do so. You will only get hurt further and I'd be very surprised if you can ever 100% trust this person given your beginning.

@dontcallmekid I was a similar situation and opened up to dating other people while emotionally distancing myself from the man in question (being completely honest with everyone I met of course!)

It worked well - was a less painful method than going cold turkey and put things in perspective when I realised there were other people out there I connected with

By the time I got to the point of cutting things off with him it was decision I fully wanted to do and was happy with - could be something to consider?

Do not start beating yourself up about your actions and whether they led to this - they haven't. You could've played the situation in an infinite number of ways and she'd still be someone who wants NM!

You cant be ok with it !!

so you are going to have to break your heart and seperate

and it will hurt like hell
bit you will recover

the other option is staying and being anxious as fuck until you split again

She wants to maintain both situations. You gave her an ultimatum, and with a choice of ending it with you, or ending the 'exploration with someone' sex experience only, she chose in the moment sex over a relationship and sex with you.
She might not have believed, or hoped, that you wouldn't really end it, so she could carry on. You've actually since shown her that that is the case, so why should she change? ND, is different for different people and perhaps in her case she has less empathy feelings. So she is more focused on her needs and less considerate of yours. You form attachments easily, are probably very considerate, unfortunately, that makes you incompatible. You might just have opposing ND needs, so while you get each other to some degree, you are not on the same page emotionally.
Make the break, avoid where you could bump into her and block her while you heal.

How to somehow convince her to change her mind? Or how to walk away from the best thing I’ve ever had?

Unfortunately the sad fact is, she isn't going to change her mind. The fact you have told her how you feel and she insists on continuing seeing R tells you all you need to know. I don't mean to sound harsh, but sounds to me like she might be holding out for R to leave her husband for her and while we don't know this is the case, I'd advise you to get out now just in case because if this happened, you and her will be over anyway and the heartache will be worse.

As for walking away from the best thing you've ever had, take a step back and try to look at it as an outsider or pretend you are reading this post as someone else. Is this woman, who is causing you nothing but constant stress and pain REALLY the best thing you've ever had? If she was, she'd consider your feelings and yhe best relationship you ever bad shouldn't be like this.

As hard as it is going to be, I'd break free now before this gets any messier. You can't reprogramme yourself to be ok with a non-monogamous relationship if you aren't the type of person who could be ok with it. It takes a certain type of person who is ok with it and if you aren't, you can't force it or it will drive you insane. I myself couldn't be ok with it no matter how much I tried to be.

*had

I could have written an identical post a year ago. Save yourself and get the heartache over with now. She's playing you and you're not happy. You're anxious and jealous and insecure. A good relationship doesn't feel like that. It's going to damage your nervous system and make you crazy.
My one went off with the other woman in the end. And of course it was all my fault because I didn't consent to cheating and don't want to share sex/partners!
My one was a narcissist ( I know this term is overused but I had counselling from a specialist in this subject and learned a lot). Read up on narcissistic supply and triangulation.
Take your power back. I wish I'd done that rather than spending six months crying to an expensive psychotherapist.

@ShowOfHands I've never had therapy. Tried to pursue it via occupational health/employee assistance at my previous job, and had a consultation with a therapist who ultimately told me my needs/history/situation were too complex for them to deal with and I should seek therapy on the NHS instead.

The waiting lists in my area are extremely long which has put me off initiating the process, and despite me having continued contact with the CMHT I have never been offered it which says a lot about the current state of MH services. :/

I appreciate your comment and much of what you have said rings true. Intense emotions are a common feature of ADHD as well and it was common for me to become infatuated and get caught up in these whirlwind romances when I was younger, although I feel I have majorly calmed down since then. My last relationship ended almost 3 years ago and whilst I've dated since then, I haven't felt this way in a long time. I feel ready to settle down now and I suppose I've gotten carried away with the idea of finally finding someone I feel compatible with, which as you have suggested, might not actually be the case here. But you're right, it's almost as though I'm waiting for someone to ride in on a white horse and save me/alleviate all of the trauma I've gone through. I might reconsider pursuing therapy.

And also worth thinking about, what if the married woman leaves her husband and wants to be with your "girlfriend", a few years down the line.

How much more would it hurt.

Walk away. She doesn't make you happy.

Breaking off no good will come from this. You deserve better. And the faster you end this the closer you will be to finding the right one

This discussion was years into our relationship,, like 10 years ago, but we've been together 25 .

It came up and we thought it through, it was a bit of an issue but not relationship-critical,,,, I'm the mother of his two kids so he's fully invested in this setup.
I'd love to experiment and be ok with an unconventional relationship,,that would be exciting but I'm not built for it

My thoughts too. Seems like this married woman is to her, what she is to you.

Usually such 'arrangements' are only short term, so it does seem odd that she isn't willing to give it up for, what you describe as a fantastic relationship in waiting.

You're an idiot.

She laid out her situation before sleeping with you, and you went along with it despite not being comfortable with it.

You're still not comfortable with it, so end it.

You’ve asked her to choose between you and the adulterous wife ( very sensibly IMHO).

She has chosen the cheater, sorry ‘explorer’, although she would like to have you as well, presumably for when her lover is at home with Hubby.

Frankly they both sound morally grim ( and I wouldn’t be too sure about the husband’s role in this exciting scenario,people do like to embellish the truth when they are involved in these sorts of shenanigans).

I Hope you find someone who wants a proper, involved relationship with you. That will be more difficult if you are still looking over your shoulder for Ms ‘non -mon. ‘

Good luck
xxxx

I am non-monogamous and I don’t think it’s something you can talk yourself into or out of.

She wants to explore with the married woman who wants to explore, and she wants to date you too.

It’s not about you not being good enough or anything. It is about your different wants in life, just as it wouldn’t be about you if she had always dreamed of a child free relocation to northern Sweden and you always wanted a brood of kids in sunny Spain.

I would walk away now.

Op, it is very very simple.

You know what you don't want and so you declare it to her. You declare that is not what you want. The rest of it - is simply her thoughts and feelings projected onto you that you are working through. Why are you having to heal her violation? And no of course you cannot change her. Unfortunately she was very clear at the start so it will be messy and sad for you both. But please do not compromise your principles.

Violation is wrong word but you know what I mean.

I wouldn't call this an 'arrangement'. That's minimising what it is.
It's some kind of an arrangement.

After our first date, but before we slept together, she informed me that she is currently part of an “arrangement” with a married woman she met on a dating site who wants to explore her sexuality (with the knowledge/consent of her husband). I will refer to this woman as R. Basically, T and R meet from time to time, have dinner, and have sex. The husband is not involved.
..................
T made it clear that she intended to continue with this arrangement, as it is a fairly new thing for her and is enabling her to fulfil a desire for exploration that she has held for a very long time but never pursued.

What's fairly new for her? Helping married women to explore their sexuality? What's T exploring exactly?

I think sometimes polyamorous people dress multiple relationships or sex partners up in all sorts of weird language and riddles instead of just saying I want multiple relationships.

I have some experience of this, which is why I know this just won't work. There's this idealisation in your mind that if you just stick with her for a while longer, show her all the love you can etc, that she will come round and be happy with you and you alone.

That time will never come, some people have a need to share love and affection with more than one person, and as much as it's not like that for you, it's definitely a real thing and it's okay for people to be poly. I gave it a go myself a few years ago because I wanted to find out of I was capable, and it turns out I wasn't. I tried to cope with it so to speak, because I loved those involved, but there are aspects of intimacy to me that I don't want to share. It cost me a long term relationship, because I knew the parties concerned were not meant to be monogamous, and it wasn't fair to insist on it, so I had to walk away.

It's fucking awful, honestly I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I also have ADHD, and I'm autistic, and the rejection sensitive dysphoria I felt in a poly situation when I realised I had to share intimacy I most definitely was not wired to share, it HURT. So much. My entire body HURT. Even just breathing and trying to process my thoughts was physically painful. Heartbreak is painful as fuck, but if you combine it with RSD, it's beyond devastating.

She isn't going to change to keep you happy, and the fact is, she shouldn't have to. Both of you are allowed to be happy in relationships that suit you.

Look at it this way - she isn't ever likely to be monogamous, which means if she did relent and try to be for your sake, it wouldn't be fair. She would probably be very unhappy, and you can't ask someone to sacrifice their happiness to be with you. You can't.

I'm so sorry, I wish this could be easier for you, but this is the truth. I'm so sorry. 🫂

She actually doesn't make you "really really happy." She makes you sad, insecure, despondent and resentful

This. I’m sorry, but she’s a player. She knows how to make each woman she is with feel cherished, supported, cared for, special, seen and known whilst she is with them.

She likes feeling adored too.

This relationship is not what you think it is. It’s manipulative.

Ultimately, she does not care about the pain she is causing you.

You need to break free. It’ll hurt at first but ultimately your mental health will improve massively when you have got past that initial pain.

I’ve been there, done that.

I'm with everyone else, OP.

She isn't going to come round and change her mind because she's already discussed it with you and told you she won't.

You have to believe her and accept what she says.

There's little point in hoping and believing something will become true because you want it to when she has been open and honest with you that it won't.

@kkloo because not every person leading an openly non-monogamous lifestyle has multiple relationships. Some will have a main partner and then sex with others without calling those relationships. Others will date a number of people and not think of any relationship as more key than any other.

Walk away.

Non-monogamy either works for you or it doesn’t. It’s not something, imo, you can make yourself happy with.

It would be worth pursuing therapy privately if you can afford it at all. It involves a fair bit of trawling online but there are therapists out there who offer reduced rates for people on low incomes (not sure if this is relevant for you or not) and therapists who have a special passion for working with ND people.
I am just coming to the end of a course of therapy with a private therapist who did me heavily discounted rates as I'm an NHS worker. We did EMDR and it's helped so much - I'm really noticing a difference in my ability to have boundaries, less self criticism, more able to think about situations rationally rather than emotionally. I only wish it didn't take me years to do it.

This woman doesn't sound right for you and I'd really advise you to move on, no matter how painful it will be in the short term. She isn't able to give you what you want and it's not fair on either of you for you to wait for her to change.

Good luck whatever you choose to do 🖤