Dating a non-monogamous person and can't handle it any more

[dontcallmekid]

I am in desperate need of some advice and/or just a sounding board for the situation I am currently in.
I am a lesbian woman. I struggle with dating, for several reasons, the first being that I am diagnosed with ADHD (and am most probably autistic) – I am quite an odd, complex person with deep emotions and I find it really hard to find someone I can connect with on every level. I’ve also gone through numerous heartbreaks, been cheated on and had a very difficult childhood meaning I have issues relating to trust, self-esteem and rejection.

Around November 2023 I started dating a woman I have known peripherally for a few years now, whom I will refer to as “T”. After our first date, but before we slept together, she informed me that she is currently part of an “arrangement” with a married woman she met on a dating site who wants to explore her sexuality (with the knowledge/consent of her husband). I will refer to this woman as R. Basically, T and R meet from time to time, have dinner, and have sex. The husband is not involved.

T made it clear that she intended to continue with this arrangement, as it is a fairly new thing for her and is enabling her to fulfil a desire for exploration that she has held for a very long time but never pursued. I told her that I was not particularly keen on the idea of it, partially due to the cheating in my past relationships and also due to being a monogamist at heart, but that I was happy to continue seeing her for the time being. At that point, I wasn’t sure whether I wanted a relationship – T was the first person I had dated in a while and I was in a bit of a transitional life phase, starting a new job etc so wasn’t taking anything too seriously.

So, we continued dating, and in true lesbian fashion the relationship progressed rather quickly. Our connection – emotionally, intellectually, sexually, physically, is unlike anything I’ve ever known, and I am falling deeply in love with her. She might well be the only person in the world who understands exactly how my brain works, how to communicate with me, how to support me. How to make me feel loved. She treats me with the utmost kindness, respect and admiration, and I feel more comfortable with her than I have with anyone I’ve ever been with. She has made it clear that she feels very strongly about me and wants a future together.

Based on all of this, I (foolishly) began to believe that she might change her mind regarding the non-monogamy. I felt as though I had made it clear that I would not be okay entering a committed relationship with her whilst she was still in her “arrangement”, so I assumed that if she got to the stage of wanting a relationship with me then she would be willing to give up the arrangement.

Anyway, just over a week ago, we were lying in bed and she picked up her phone, and I saw a notification pop up from R. Although I knew deep down that the arrangement was still ongoing, seeing confirmation of it made me feel ill. I tried to supress it but the next day ended up telling her that I can’t continue to see her unless she ends the arrangement. A very heated discussion ensued, which basically concluded with her saying she isn’t willing to end the arrangement because it’s “something she needs”. I told her I couldn’t continue, and ended things.

However, on Saturday just gone we were both out drinking and ended up together. (She also met one of my closest friends and they got on brilliantly which has twisted the knife even further). We ended up spending the rest of the weekend together and sleeping together, and are now back in contact, and seemingly back to normal, having had a lovely romantic evening last night where it felt like last weekend’s events never even occurred.

But I am in despair. I don’t know how to proceed. I feel so, so strongly about her. During the days that we weren’t speaking, I felt awfully empty without her. Like I said, our connection is very special and unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I can imagine settling down with her. But it seems she isn’t willing to give up the arrangement.

I don’t know what to do, because I really don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to lose what we have. She makes me really, really happy and life has felt so beautiful ever since she arrived in it. But I also know that I can NEVER be okay with non-monogamy. I have spent hours and hours agonising over it, trying to educate myself, trying to view it from different perspectives, trying to force myself to be okay with it, but I just can’t. The thought makes me feel physically unwell. There was a night in December when she told me she wouldn’t be responsive to messages as she was going to R’s house, and that genuinely was one of the worst nights I have had in a long time. I felt physically sick with jealousy and anxiety and thoughts of what they might be doing. So I told her that the next time they met, I didn’t want to know about it at all.

Which leads me to tonight. She has been uncharacteristically silent for the last few hours which can only mean one thing as we usually text throughout the evening and she normally tells me if she’s seeing a friend or family or whatever. And I am back to the way I felt in December. Anxious, inadequate, unwanted, betrayed.

I don’t even know what I want. Perhaps one of you can convince me of the benefits of non-monogamy, how to trick my brain into being okay with it?
How to continue to have her in my life and be okay with the fact we can never be together?
How to somehow convince her to change her mind? Or how to walk away from the best thing I’ve ever had?
I don’t know.

It’s very hard for you, but everyone on here is right.

You have to stop putting yourself through this misery.

To be blunt:

You are not in love with her. You are in love with the idea of her. Of her potential. Not who she actually is, which she has been clear about from the beginning.

All the reasons you claim to love her are about how she gets you and knows how to deal with you, how she makes you feel. They're not about how you feel about her.

You are incompatible. You cannot 'trick' yourself into accepting her lifestyle, as this is not who you are. You, or her, or both, will end up resentful, and be back where you are now.

I would strongly advise seeking counselling to work on providing yourself with the love and understanding you are currently seeking from another.

You are giving this person power she doesn't deserve.

Best of luck x

It’s an alarm bell for me that she couldn’t contextualize the situation and understand you were caught up in a new job, unless you were particularly off with her in subsequent texts.

Did she say the date had “failed”? I think that’s a bit unfair.

You are seeking reassurance of her fully commiting to you but she won't. She has made it clear this is the set up she wants so you now need to accept it and move on as it does not align with what you are after. The longer the back and forth goes on the worse it will get. Cut contact, work through the emotions and find someone who is compatible

This is what I came to say.

She ‘gets you’, knows exactly how you feel, but is choosing to continue hurting you.

She gets your friend too- be careful there.

She’s clearly very charismatic and charming. I suspect the power Buzz she gets from seducing people, collecting them, is her motivation rather than a desire for a genuine relationship.

It still is a type of relationship though and monogamous people in this situation shouldn't push that down and pretend it's not just because it's passed off as exploration etc. Realistically very few monogamous people can deal with their partner having relationships with other people, whether they're serious or casual, or just purely physical.

um, what?

Firstly, it’s more likely that the woman in question said, “didn’t work out” or “didn’t go anywhere”

Secondly, it was a first date! The woman didn’t owe the OP patience and understanding for being too busy to have time for connecting in the same way you would if you were a few months in.

I was responding to this point from you:

”I think sometimes polyamorous people dress multiple relationships or sex partners up in all sorts of weird language and riddles instead of just saying I want multiple relationships.”

I agree OP shouldn’t date this woman as OP wants a monogamous set up.

@PansyPolly
I know what you were responding to, but I think when talking to people that they are dating they shouldn't dress it up in airy fairy talk which can actually be quite manipulative sometimes

When people say ''She's a narcissist''' your instinct may be NO WAY but I think that what people mean to say is that she gets her needs met through (unconscious?) narcissistic behavior. Does it matter? We could all debate whether she's actually a narc or whether she's getting her own needs met through narcissistic behaviours, but the end result is that you pay the price.

I think this type of person can erode your sense of self MORE though. Because it's more nuanced. You spend hours and hours trying to make sense of it all because the person ''is not a monster''. They helped in a soup kitchen. They helped you move house. Big deals. Lots of effort. But they wouldn't take accountability for the impact their actions have on you. What they want for you is that you have no visible reaction to their comings and goings. It's more complicated. It's harder to interpret. One voice in your head says ''all she did was have sex with another person and she told me the truth about it'' and the other voice says ''so, I'm not allowed to feel abandoned? my sad feelings are wrong? I'm weak? I'm pathetic?''.

Honestly in type of situation, a person with narcissistic behaviours is more damaging to your sense of yourself than an obvious Narcissist.

Please leave now, as this will just drag on for ages and make you increasingly unhappy.

Make her aware that you respect her boundaries but you have boundaries too that need respected. If she changes her mind in the future for her to let you know, but for now don't pursue it and don't go out drinking with her.

It's sad but you can't keep breaking your heart every time she goes off with someone else. It's easier to have a clean break, take the pain now, and your future self will thank you.

Not at all. How many first dates do people
go on that go nowhere? Nobody is wrong for not 'contextualising' or waiting for someone to be ready to date them!

Does R know about you? Or is that why there is no phone contact during the meetings.

do you know deep down T has actual feelings for her? What would happen if she left her husband, what do you think T would do.

This is so so unfair on you.

surely if she had any real feelings for you she would end the “ just sex” part? Had she no self control? Out of respect of your feelings and wanting to keep you?

it would be so sad for you to be strung along if the end game was really to split up this husband and wife. Pretty sure he doesn’t know about it either.

“surely if she had any real feelings for you she would end the “ just sex” part? Had she no self control? Out of respect of your feelings and wanting to keep you? “

This is infantilising OP.

The woman has said what she wants - to be involved with both OP and the married woman, if it is not what OP wants, it is up to OP to walk away.

“it would be so sad for you to be strung along if the end game was really to split up this husband and wife. Pretty sure he doesn’t know about it either.”

I have occasionally slept with married/ cohabiting women and I am one myself. The male partners all knew. You don’t have any grounds to be “pretty sure”

If she's polyamorous as her orientation then no, she wouldn't end one relationship to be monogamous with someone else: why should she? She was upfront with the OP from the start. It's the OP who is trying to change the parameters and the girlfriend has no obligation to agree. She might, but if she doesn't it is no reflection on her character or morals.

It is possible that T is genuinely a kind, loving person, but has her own issues which led her to pursue an impossible relationship with a married woman. Some people don't want commitment and it does not make them evil narcissists

However, T is clearly not in love with you and your relationship will never become committed and monogamous or this would have happened already. You are wasting your time and hurting yourself in the process.

“It is possible that T is genuinely a kind, loving person, but has her own issues which led her to pursue an impossible relationship with a married woman. “

It is also possible that T is entirely happy with the dating/sex/fuckbuddy/FWB set up with the married woman and isn’t after an “impossible relationship” but the highly possible connection that they currently and actually have.

@PansyPolly true, that is also very likely

still, probably means she's not after exclusively dating OP and would not become monogamous even if R broke up with her

She might well be the only person in the world who understands exactly how my brain works, how to communicate with me, how to support me.

This is nonsense, op. There's always someone else out there, plenty of other suitable women out there. Thousands.

Do you really think you are so uniquely problematic that no one can understand you? Has she made you feel that you're hard work and only she can "support" you? Ugh I'm angry on your behalf. Walk away and breathe fresh air again

She doesn't understand how your heart works so there is really only heartache that will come from this