Ejaculation

[Jojo77777]

Hey I've been seeing my new boyfriend for about 3 months, I'm starting to fall for him. The only one issue is he does not ejaculate when we have sex, I have asked him about this and he says, he doesn't always and h3 think he could be mentally blocking it out,

Mind if I ask how old you both are? I know this can happen to a man at any age of course but more common in older men. Was he the same and could ejaculate when on his own then but got anxious with you until after a while?

I’ve had this with a partner who was in his 50s and on ADs. He did occasionally orgasm / ejaculate but he stayed hard for a LONG time which was amazing for me and he said he loved it too. Took me a while to get my head round not having the big “finish” every time but once I did it actually became something very exciting!

Probably made it even better on those rare times he did ejaculate then? Any reason why he didn’t finish often then, was it nerves or maybe he just had a lot of stamina?

In a relationship, if a woman can't orgasm it's the man's fault.

And if the man can't orgasm, it's also the man's fault.

Mumsnet logic.

He said he’d always taken a long time and he said he loved sex so much he didn’t want it to be over too quickly. Suspect that coupled with the ADs meant it didn’t happen every time. But when it did it was incredible.

@PaulPasta he was 38 & I was 25 at the time. Not sure about self ejaculation as I never asked, but we spoke about how he couldn't while having sex and it's because he was nervous and it was new. Absolutely no problems at all now though and have a really good sex life

@PaulPasta sorry, bejewelled13 is my other username. I didn't change it back 😂

Can I pm you about this?

It’s very common as men get older…my DP is late sixties and whilst we make love pretty much every day he only ejaculates about once a week. I’m not complaining, intercourse every time is fantastic for us both and when it does happen it’s the icing on the cake. It definitely doesn’t have to mean porn or he doesn’t fancy you if he’s after 50.

This is so true - men are the root of all evil on here

Could this be a sign he’s taking viagra? My bf is the same - has an erection on and off for ages (like will have sex 5 times!) but doesn’t seem to come/ejaculate. I wondered if it’s coz he’s taking something for ED.

I wouldn't think anything of it. I've known men who blow their beans immediately all the way through to men who can only finish if they do it themselves. It's normal.

Tbh, the guys at this end of the spectrum tend to be better in bed in my experience. They're not primarily focused on orgasm, which has great benefits.

Sure!

Ffs, it's depressing how some women always have to assume the worst n here...

My current bf doesn't finish every time when inside me... He's 49 and says he's never been quick, but would pretty much 100% reliably finish in his 20s and 30s, but things started to tail off into his 40s, which is probably just down to hormones waning.

However, he is able to stay hard for a long time though which is great and far better than a "5 second and it's done", and he doesn't just pump monotonously for half-an-hour either, but we have lots of great sex that isn't focussed on him achieving orgasm which is amazing 🤩

He thinks it's partly due to him being circumcised in his early 20s due to phimosis (tight foreskin) and a reduction in sensitivity down there following that, meaning he required more stimulation.

He also said that whilst single he did get used to orgasming solely through masturbation - which is stating the obvious really - which meant his body got used to this... I've watched him masturbate when with him, and it's definitely not a furious frenzy, just a steady rhythmical movement - he's shown me what he likes and apparently my grip was uncomfortably firm the first couple of times, so it's definitely not "death grip"!

Now he's with me, he says he's masturbating a lot less and allowing that sexual tension to build in him, which leads to great sex, and is now leading to an uptick in the number of orgasms he has, as he becomes more used to PIV sex than masturbation. We've only been having sex just short of a couple of months, so it's early days, but his "problem" is leading to some great sex sessions, and his focus gaining his pleasure from me is steadily increasing his ability to orgasm inside me... so hopefully that's a positive story to offset some of the knee-jerk cynicism on this thread.

Yes, that's so true for some posters! I know men can be shit and women are best off without them.... but the same is true the other way round too in some cases. There seem some women (perhaps for understandable reasons based on their past) that are so cynical and automatically negative about men that men are best off steering well clear.

The attitude of some seems to be unless a man routinely and reliably
a) gets it up
b) keeps it up
c) doesn't cum too quickly
d) doesn't cum too slowly
e) is responsible for making me cum every time,
... then he's a pathetic inadequate and should be unceremoniously binned...

And if he wants sex more than once a week - he is a sex pest, if he wants sex less than one a week he is clearly faulty & woe betide any man who cannot get instantly hard at the dip of a hat 😂😂

I'm imagining Dadsnet where a man posts that his new girlfriend doesn't cum when they have sex and a some misogynist wanker posts "She's clearly frigid, 100% frigid. Bin her before she falls in love with you." ... and yet the posters who post this on MN don't see the irony!

I dated someone last year who stayed hard for a long time but did eventually orgasm. It was great! I’d imagine though as the initial novelty of sex with someone you fancy the pants off wears off I’d have got a bit tired of a 90 min sex session. Never been with anyone who lasted that long, he was also circumcised as an adult due to an injury. He was a huge porn watcher

Ultimately there could be a number of reasons why this doesn't happen for him. If it is psychological then it's unlikely to change unless he wants to work on it and that takes therapy and hard work.
You will have to decide if it's a deal breaker for you or not. Is the sex good without ejaculation? Is it something that would eat away at your confidence? These things are worth considering.

Some of the replies on here are shocking. Of course you shouldn't leave him because of this - would you encourage a man to leave a woman who had vaginismus?

OP it couple be nerves but that usually gets better after they get used to a new partner and develop more confidence.

Does he drink much? This can be a big issue. My husband used to experience this sometimes, but now he is 100% sober, if anything he has to focus to avoid the opposite issue! Honestly, amazing the change it makes.

His desire is there, sensation is not... maybe do some kegels?

Definitely not my thoughts, but a balance to the anti-men comments on here. So far we've had porn addition to, death grip, drugs, bin him... As others have said, imagine if men said: she doesn't orgasm... "oh definitely bin her, get out early".

Truth be told, I think it's an age and pressure thing on his side... and really, a pride thing from OP's. So he doesn't ejaculate? Big deal. If the sex is fine, and it lasts long enough, again, as others have said, it's all of the fun without any of the mess, smell, taste and wet patch.

A man who can't ejaculate now 100% will become a dead bedroom in the future.

I'd say he has a porn fetish if he says he can come alone but not with you. He's basically admitted it.

This is a huge red flag.

Whatever the reason is, psychological, medical, antidepressants, too much porn, overthinking, fear of pregnancy, ... the real question is:

Can you talk to him about it?

Is he willing to be open about what he things the cause is. Honestly, I hardly believe he hasn't thought about it. He must have some ideas.
Does it bother him as well? Does he want to change it? Is he open to ideas or experimenting?
Does he want to hear and know how this affects you, your self esteem, how you feel about having sex with him? And is he willing to make sure that this doesn't make you feel inadequate or insecure, just as you should be helping him not to feel inadequate or insecure?

Point is, does he just brush it off as no big deal and avoid conversations about it? In that case, yes, it's pretty certain that this is going to become an issue in your relationship down the line. If not, then it really doesn't have to be a big deal. My husband took antidepressants for a few years and it affected his ability to orgasm, but we always found way to make sex a good experience for both of us, regardless.

Mine usually didn't- similar age. His erections lasted ages, and it's the best sex I've ever had. He obviously had at some point, as he has two teenage children from his marriage. He was so much better than men who came quickly, and men with ED, who couldn't keep it up. He said it was mostly psychological, about trust, and the first time he did ejaculate inside me, he was cock-a-hoop about it. It happened other times, too, but not often (and we practised a lot!) I didn't see it as a problem, and he was definitely enjoying himself, even when he didn't cum.

If he doesn't have a problem with it, carry on and enjoy.