What do I do with this? - H is hurting me

[Tib333]

I need unbiased opinions: I went self employed nearly a year ago. I’ve broken even every month but struggle to earn income as my outgoings (including a loan) are eating into my earnings. I am hoping to grow my business and make a liveable wage.

I reluctantly went back into escorting. I did this previously before having kids. My now husband and I discussed this. He was on board. Tonight we had a disagreement and he called me a “working slag”. I am heartbroken. It’s a job I do to provide for my kids as they’re not his and their Dad pays me nothing and I have them 24/7. I work 7 days a week, doing the odd night escorting. I am not proud of it but I rely on the extra income to feed my kids as hubby can’t (and shouldn’t) provide for them. I can’t take on a second legitimate job or I’d never be home. He agreed I could but now he’s said what he did and I am sat crying. I am trying so hard to provide for my kids. He asked me to marry him and all my social benefits went when I did. I feel humiliated and stupid. I feel dirty and hurt. I don’t know what to do.

PLEASE leave him. He is a pig for calling you that.

I understand you’re probably making good money escorting but is this really a job that you enjoy?

Any man that is happy for his wife/mother of his child to go out and sell her body to other men for money does NOT love you.

So your husband has essentially left you financially vulnerable and is now gaslighting you.

Why have you accepted that your husband shouldn't financially support your kids?? (which are his step children through marriage!!) Surely when you marry someone it is meant to BENEFIT you and your family, not sabotage it?

I just can't understand why he thought he'd be more comfortable with you escorting than just financially supporting you. Evidently the reality of knowing you're doing has made him jealous but instead of just accepting it's easier to give you money, he's insulting you instead. He sounds like a very weak man.

I would run for hills. Don't waste any more time on him OP. You'd be better off without him (literally).

Marrying him appears to not have been a good move. He doesn’t help support your DC, you’ve lost single parent benefits, and he insults you.

Why would you want to stay with him?

Thank you for your reply. I feel very alone with this secret.

it is th only available option - I have looked at everything else. I work 3 days employed and 4 days self employed. My ex husband doesn’t pay and won’t have the kids. CMS can’t get to him as he’s self employed.

I was happy and worked hard when on my own. Met my now husband nearly 6 years ago and all was well until I went self employed and he pushed to marry. I said yes not realising what it would entail.

Tonight’s argument hurt me. I don’t do what I do for enjoyment. I grit my teeth and steel myself so I can pay for my kids to have school trips and bare necessities. We don’t live a life of luxury. I am heartbroken that my husband held this against me. I feel dirty and humiliated. And it’s my own fault.

If he entered into a relationship with you, and married you, knowing you had children, then YES he absolutely SHOULD help to provide for your kids.

I entered a relationship with a man who had a child. I accepted right from the start, that if it got serious and we moved in together/married, I would have to accept my finances would go some way to support his child.

If I didn't want to do that, I could've walked away.

I was brought up with a stepdad who made it clear I, and my siblings, weren't his and not his financial responsibility. Simply buying food to 'feed this lot' was a resentment he verbalise and left us with immense shame and guilt. And my mother would back him up, until we were pushed out of our own home as young teens.

Do you want that for your kids? For them to grow up knowing this man thought so little of them that their mother had to escort to feed them?!

That's not a loving husband. A loving husband wouldn't even contemplate the idea of you doing that alongside a full time job, let alone give the thumbs up to it and then have the audacity to call.you disgusting names!

This is a vile excuse for a husband and stepfather.

OP Please read this and let it sink in.

I’m sending you a hand hold @Tib333. You are doing your best for your children in a difficult situation. He is so wrong - on all counts x

I can’t get over what he called me. I hear what you all say but I cannot find peace tonight. I feel sick in my skin and he’s asleep downstairs. We have a house together and I will lose my security and everything I helped build if we divorce - at the same time how do I carry on after what he said. I was honest why I was doing it. Less than twice a month - he was fine but clearly isn’t. A working slag. If any man called a friend this I would be raging. I hear what you all say but I don’t know what to do. He’s great in so many other ways. I can go it alone but I am afraid. What a fuckup. I married because I thought he loved me.

Apart from the current awful, why don't you ask the child maintenance people to help get some money from the children's dad?

It's hard but you have to say goodbye to this man.

When words come out during argument is unpleasant to hear but unlikely he had meant it.

when things calm down , tell him that words upset you and let him understand that’s unacceptable. If he cares about you, he would acknowledge that.

stay strong. In the heat of the argument indeed very heartache. Embrace it, cry it all out. With a clear head, think through and make a better plan. Back to your focus on your way to make financial means. When both of you calm down and ready to communicate to repair the relationship , try again in a compose way. Tell him what upset you and things that are intolerable.

He's great in so many ways

Sorry, refusing to contribute to feeding the children he willingly took on, allowing his wife to escort to feed those children, then calling his wife repulsive names for doing all she can to feed her children because of his refusal to help with that TOTALLY strips away all the otherwise 'great' things he apparently does.

A great man never does this. Never!

I don't care if he buys you fucking diamonds. If he refuses to help feed children in his care (because they are in his care), he's a piece of shit of massive proportions.

OP have higher standards and expect better for your children for goodness sake! The man married you! He entered into a family unit with you and became a part of that family. Not to mention that the marriage lost you your financial support. Of COURSE the idiot needs to support your children too! They’re HIS stepchildren now! And if he can’t afford to then that’s his problem and he needs to find a way to. Of course you should also be able to work too, in whatever way is best, to provide for your children. He sounds utterly vile and I’d leave him.

Your husband absolutely should financially support the family whether these children are his or not. And he ought to be supporting you on the pathway to becoming fully self-employed.

As for escorting, well my friend is an independent escort so no judgements here - I know the huge amounts of money that can be accrued by some in a short space of time and there’s not much comparable work out there tbh…

But my friend is happy doing this work for now as it doesn’t leave her feeling ‘humiliated or dirty’. I would worry about you though as this is how you describe it so I’d be careful about going back into something from your past that makes you feel this way about yourself. I’ve always thought that the sheer level of pretence involved on your part must be absolutely exhausting.

I think your relationship is a different matter altogether - it looks as though he was comfortable with the idea of it, but not so much with the reality. Has he ever said offensive things about you in the past?

Repair the relationship?!
It's not just what he called her, he's refusing to help support the children he took on. She wouldn't even have to be escorting if he supported the family he married into. If he didn't want to do that, he shouldn't have entered into any kind of relationship with the OP.

This is so sad to read. He agreed to love and support you when he married you, and he’s doing neither of those things.

Assuming he has enough money coming in, anyone with any kindness would help you out a little while your business gets up and running. Do you have any other family or friends irl - Im sure they would rather help than see you in this situation.

He's your husband! He took on your children when he married you, so yes he absolutely should be providing for your children! But, he's an abusive arsehole and you'd be far better off, emotionally and financially without him.

I think if he knew you had children when he married you, then he made the commitment to be their step parent and to take some responsibility for the children's welfare as a result. I think he should be willing to pay towards the children he is step parenting. If he financially can't then that's a different matter.

I think what he's said to you is disgusting and he absolutely shouldn't have said it. It's every bit a reflection on him and not a reflection on you at all. I think you need to really take some time and identify if this name calling, changing the goal posts and being emotionally manipulative and financially uninvolved is a pattern of behaviour. If it is a pattern and he's done it before then you need to leave. I'd consider if you have friends etc to stay with for a bit or if you can ask him to leave the house and get the locks changed.

If this is genuinely extremely and completely out of character then you need to sit down and talk about where you're both at with money and work and responsibilities and he needs to step up and take pressure off you. If he doesn't then again, you need to walk away.

I'm questioning the morality of a man that would allow his wife to prostitute herself rather than contribute to supporting her children.

He doesn't care about your or your children OP.

He's a vile piece of shit you'd be well rid of.

This breaks my heart to hear your kids are growing up knowing their step dad doesn’t contribute & resents their mother for having to take on an additional role because he refuses to support the family he chose (he chose you & those kids & when he asked you to marry him he took on the responsibility). My step dad made it clear me & my brother weren’t his responsibility, only my sister & it caused so much trauma to not only us but to her as well. She didn’t really feel like our sister & it took years for us all to build proper relationships with each other (but all 3 of us struggled with other relationships too & none is us are still with the parent of our kids, except me who is with the father of my 2nd child, we’ve been together 20 yrs now). When I met my husband my son & I came as a package & he chose to take him on & has fully supported him from the day we chose to move in together. Even his whole family accepted my son as their own & never treated him any different to our son (there’s 11 yrs between them) so they had 9 years of having just my son as their son, grandchild, nephew, cousin etc. I wouldn’t have moved in with my husband let alone married him if he couldn’t fully accept everything that came with being a step dad & even though he didn’t have kids I would have done them same if I was to be a step mum. There’s no way that I would see my husband do a job that he didn’t want to do simply because I refused to be a proper step mum to his kids.

what makes the situation even worse is the names he’s now called you for a decision you both made. He was happy for you to do it as long as it meant he didn’t have to pull his weight financially but then he degrades for you it? I couldn’t ever have sex with him again knowing that’s what he truly thought of me. I’m so so sorry, I really am. I really think you need to have a long hard think about the whole situation & consider if this is what you want your future to look like

Also, I was in your position a few years ago (minus the escorting part). I set up self employed & due to the start up costs it was a while before I was making profit & he increased his contributions to our household to support us (inc his step son), he paid to keep a roof over our heads, he paid for school uniforms, for school dinners, for football, for his pocket money etc etc as he knew that I was working to build us a future so he was happy to step up in the short term as much as he needed to including taking an extra shift working Saturdays. This man took you all on a family but is refusing to treat you like his family. He shouldn’t have married you if he wasn’t willing to accept your kids

No man who is going to green light escorting to avoid helping you support your children is worth holding on to. That’s without the name calling. Especially when I highly doubt that he’s not deriving some sort of financial benefit from you.

Why do you think he shouldn't support you and your kids? He married you. Been discussing this with OH as we don't live together. I work mon-fri school hours and still get a benefit top up as I'm a single parent. If he moves in he'd need to make it so I'm no worse off financially. He's happy to do that.

What stands out from this comment is that you say you were happy before you met this man.

You also sound like a lovely person and mother, doing the best you can for the sake of your children.

I think you need to find a way out of this marriage. I can't see any benefit in staying with this nasty and unsupportive man.

You married him knowing how he thought and treat your kids before hand. Thank god I married a man who fully supports his 2 stepchildren and his own as one or we wouldn't have got married. And for a man to let you do that kindof work rather than sort it himself leave now