What do I do with this? - H is hurting me

[Tib333]

I need unbiased opinions: I went self employed nearly a year ago. I’ve broken even every month but struggle to earn income as my outgoings (including a loan) are eating into my earnings. I am hoping to grow my business and make a liveable wage.

I reluctantly went back into escorting. I did this previously before having kids. My now husband and I discussed this. He was on board. Tonight we had a disagreement and he called me a “working slag”. I am heartbroken. It’s a job I do to provide for my kids as they’re not his and their Dad pays me nothing and I have them 24/7. I work 7 days a week, doing the odd night escorting. I am not proud of it but I rely on the extra income to feed my kids as hubby can’t (and shouldn’t) provide for them. I can’t take on a second legitimate job or I’d never be home. He agreed I could but now he’s said what he did and I am sat crying. I am trying so hard to provide for my kids. He asked me to marry him and all my social benefits went when I did. I feel humiliated and stupid. I feel dirty and hurt. I don’t know what to do.

He's not great is he though? If he was, you wouldn't be in this situation. Unmarry him, he's not who you thought he was.

If you're a slag then he's a pimp. How dare he?

You should to be hurt that he’s letting you sell your body rather than put any money towards you’re children, not that he said some hurtful words. This man is a scumbag.

I don't get why you don't just go back to employed work? If you aren't making money self employed then you just don't do it when you have children to support. Even if it means working lots of hours? Surely that's preferable to escorting? I wouldn't be happy if my partner/husband was doing that and i think you've been naive to think he'd be onboard with it

OP, one of the ways I eventually figured out my exDH didnt really love me was because he refused to work and support his child but was happy to pimp me out on webcams. At the time I thought I was just doing what I had to do to support us as a loyal wife/mum.

DP now is not DDs dad and DDs dad pays me nothing, but DP would never in a million years pimp me out and would always help me. He'd be horrified at the very suggestion.

He doesn't love you if he did he would pool his money with yours and work out a way to manage even giving things up so his wife wasn't leaving the house to sell and put herself at risk to get money.

Do your children know what you do , if not I fear there could be far worse things coming down the line

This pretty much. Please, please value yourself and your dc more. I don’t even mean the escorting, which while not great is just a means to an end because you’re in an abusive relationship.

Please reevaluate your relationship. It’s heartbreaking to read your story. Also, you are putting yourself at risk with the escorting. What are you getting out of this marriage? He is not a nice man. LTB.

No decent man would let his wife be a prostitute rather than share money.

Leave him.

100% he's contributed to this by not supporting you financially. It doesnt even have to be permanent, just temporary until you figure out if your self employment can work longer term. I'm sorry to read this, sounds very tough.

Get rid of this man right now.

Any decent partner would provide for you and your kids and not let his wife have to resort to escorting.

You will be better off on your own. Please speak to someone about your financial situation and make sure you are claiming every possible benefits.

Also why isn't the kids' father contributing to their upkeep? again speak to someone (Citizen Advice, charity that supports women and/or those involved in the sex industry).

Usually when starting a business/going self-employed it is a good idea to have a part-time job where you are employed to have a regular income while you develop your second earnings.

Also I think you need to see if you can some support with your self-esteem and developing healthy relationships. It sounds to me like you have left worthless men take advantage of you.

If you need to stay in the sex industry for a while as you get back on your feet there are safer ways to do this than escorting (cam girl or working as an 'exotic dancer' as no touching/direct contact with men is involved.

Also you don't want your vengeful soon to be ex to use this against you and report you to social services.

Please seek outside help. There are organisations that can help you.

He’s a total scum bag.

And I fundamentally disagree on your providing comment. He didn’t just marry you, he married into this commitment and if he’s not pulling his weight then what use is he?

Please leave this vile man.

He won't help to support your children, he accepts you escorting, then calls you vile names for doing it.

When me and DH married, we both assumed that our respective children were now part of one family with us. They are our joint responsibility. No 'that's your child so you should pay for them'. We are one family. That should be how it is.

This.

I'm so sorry he hurt you, it must feel awful.

As in any abusive relationship, I think you've been gaslighted by him as he's in no way "great" if he doesn't support your children.

Give yourself some breathing space then work out how to unwind all ties to him, it's not just a question of finance, you need emotional support.

I wouldn't be able to get past any nasty words, let alone something so low, from someone who is supposed to love you the most.

You do have another option to which is to leave him. What is he bringing to your relationship apart from hurt.

You're doing what you do for your children so take that care one step further and go.

He’s a complete bastard, he is not a good man, whatever you think.

He is abusing you and your children.

Start making plans to leave him.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, but you can do it and you won’t ever look back 💐

Whether their his kids or not, any man who would rather see his wife enter into prostitution instead of providing for her financially is a cunt.

What is his financial situation.... please don't tell me he's rolling in money or on a high salary while you do this

Anyway, end it. You'd probably be better off on benefits than living like this.

Genuinely shocked by this one. What kind of man sits by while his wife turns to this occupation to feed children he lives with and (hopefully) cares about only to then abuse her for the choice she made. What a horrible human. I suspect you’re in a domestically abusive relationship and haven’t been able to see it. Please look at this image and consider how else he behaves.

Are you still facing this problem?

OP - have things improved? Have you managed to make it work with this man? How did the SE business go? and are you still doing the side job ..? reaching out to see how you are

He's the worst, OP. Lawyer up and LTB.

Can I ask why you think he shouldn’t be paying for your children?
You are married, your finances are combined and are also supposed to be a team. I don’t see how sending you back to escorting is teamwork.
You need to run from this man

Why are you minimising this. How would you like being called a working slag?

@Valeriekat im assuming this poster thinks ‘poor hubby having a new wife off doing such ‘work’ while I have to take care of her blooming kids!! No ‘wonder’ the poor sod called her that while she’s out G*d knows where and with whom risking being R, beaten up or worse murdered just so she can put food on the table and keep all their heads afloat as the ‘only’ safety net she could’ve maybe relied a tiny bit on was a mixture of a p/t employed job with some top ups in UC but that’s all gone now cause she married him! But that’s all I can ‘assume’ what this poster could possibly be thinking for her to reply in such a way and then blase just comment ‘cry it out together’ (paraphrasing)