Something is off

[Eatdust]

Please be gentle....

My husband and I have been together for a long time and have children. We really do have a good relationship. We have a very passionate relationship, sex life is great, we do argue but always sort things through. Up until recently we have good communication. I am a stay at home mum (and know I'm in a very vulnerable position financially) and he controls the main finances and bills.

Recently I have felt like something was off. I convinced myself he was having some sort of affair or something. Just little things that I would never have noticed unless I'd been suspicious. I don't really know how it started either, I just suddenly felt like he'd become abit distant. We have spoken about it and he tells me I have absolutely nothing to worry about and has answered all my questions and said it was all in my head but I still have a niggle. I have told him over and over if there was anything troubling him to tell me about it.

Anyway last night I checked his phone. Couldn't find anything but then I'm not stupid and know people will cover their tracks. However, I did find an email saying that his credit card is nearly maxed out (about £900). I have also recently found some paperwork for a new credit card.

Maybe this is what he is hiding from me? How do I go about having this conversation - do I admit to being on his phone? Up until now we have had a really good relationship and he is a good man but he does lie about stupid stuff sometimes and why would he keep this from me and make me think I'm going crazy? My mind is a mess

I don't know your financial situation but £900 doesn't seem like anything to worry about. Practically everything gets paid by card nowadays and I must spend double that every month on mine. It seems very odd to have a card with such a low limit though.

So I have a debit card that I rarely use. He has a debit card that his wages go into and all of our bills come out of. Then he has the credit card that has the £900 on it and by the looks of it a new credit card came last week

He also told me he only had a credit card for his credit score and only used it to buy petrol or something once a month

Ok, so when this happened to me, DH was spending money we didn't have on gambling.

Mumsnet was absolutely ace for me, and basically I sat down while calm and said I wanted a review of the finances, debts, income, accounts everything.

He squirreled a bit, so I said this situation wasn't going away - we could either tackle it together with a plan, or we run out lives financially completely separately. He was transparent, and it was really clear we over spent a bit, he had a run of good luck on gambling and thought one big win would clear the debt - of course it didn't (that's how gambling works) and he couldn't find a way forward.

I'm so glad I asked outright when I noticed something was off- for you it might not be gambling, it could be anything - but I think part and parcel of a marriage is getting to the bottom of the hard bits so you can find a way forward.

This is honestly so helpful and has made me feel so much better, thank you! As far as I am aware he has never been in debt or anything so first time this has happened (if that's what it is).

I'm not sure how I will bring it up, I guess I just need to be honest and expect the same in return and see what he says.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1331923-To-take-away-all-of-husbands-credit-cards

This was my thread from that time, the money is long paid off now and I'm happy to say DH is still DH, and he's not been this stupid since.

It was horrendous going through it though.

His saving grace was it was clear to see it was household over spending being covered up by credit cards. It is very, very easy to do.

You don’t need to tell him what you’ve seen on his phone because you found paperwork relating to a new credit card. So ask him about that. You’re married so you have every right to know what debt you are jointly responsible for. Ask him why he didn’t make you aware of this. Why is he controlling all the finances? This does make you vulnerable, yes. You should have a say in such decisions.

How good a man he is, how long you’ve been married and how good your relationship is is all irrelevant, I’m afraid. People believe all of those things and then discover their OH has been lying to them.

Thank you so much! I'll take a read through. I'm hoping if it is a bit of debt that I've found out while we can rectify it.

It could be nothing and I'm worried for no reason. But if that's what it is, I am angry that he has let me think I'm going crazy and I've given him so many opportunities to discuss it.

Your right, I'll do that. I think I'm just worried because I have been telling him I'm worried about infidelity lately and don't want to push him away - it can't be nice to be accused if you are innocent.

He is the main breadwinner so the bills come out of his account. I have a part time job so my wages go into mine and I pay a couple of bills and help towards the mortgage. I look after the house - he looks after the money (but not in a controlling way, he's very generous). I can see that that has left me very vulnerable though and I need to be more involved.

He is a good man but I also know that good people can do silly things unfortunately.

I think being the "breadwinner" is very much a double edge sword, there is the pride of looking after your family financially, alongside crippling fear when things are going wrong.

Having a calm, blame free conversation will really help - as will having shared goals and plans with finance.

I agree. He does have family that have got themselves into lots of debt as well and said how silly they were etc.
I always ask him if we are ok for money and how we are doing so I wish he would just tell me!

It isn’t great that he deals with all bills. It could be that with cost rises he has lost control of spending and to embarrassed to discuss.

You should have a household budget that you both understand, you need to track and if there is cost rises you both know. Also what if he died tomorrow and you hadn’t really dealt with finances for ages and tried to work out what was needed?

This sounds like things got away from him and he is sticking his head in the sand.

Personally I would have a conversation with him about your finances. I am a SAHM and I know all about our finances as we are very transparent about these. You are a team and you have a right to know anything that has impact on you and your family.

Just be honest with him and see what he says. If you suspect he is then still covering something up or hiding, tell him so. Thinking about stuff and not speaking up about it will drive you crackers. Don't allow yourself to be brushed off either. Could be a number of things but you have a right to know what.

I’d say it was reasonable to come at the discussion from the angle of you wanting to better understand your household finances. As PP said you found the new card stuff so can use that as the prompt, but if challenged more you could even say fears around infidelity, even if unfounded when you raised it with him, made you appreciate the vulnerable position you’re in should the worst happen, eg he left or worse passed away.

OP, do a credit search on him, and on yourself. Credit Karma does a free one and gives quite in depth information. You'll just need a separate email address to do his.

I would do this BEFORE speaking to him so as to know what the situation is beforehand. And I wouldn't tell him I'd done this until AFTER he'd had a chance to come clean. Because I'd want to know how much of a liar he was and whether I could trust a word out of his mouth going forward.

Edit; you could also say that you did the credit search and that's whats prompted the conversation because it appears his card is maxed out.

Wow. This is really insightful thank you. No idea you could do that! It's worse than I thought but not completely unaffordable and it says he's meeting all of his repayments (except one!).

Gosh this does feel like a betrayal though. I really do think you are all right and that it just got out of hand but it's the lying I'm really struggling with. He knows how much that affects me. And I've given every opportunity to talk/come clean and instead he's making me think I'm going crazy.

I would approach it fairly gently to begin with OP but I would be wanting to see the itemised statements for those credit cards at some point. You need to know where that money is going (and one of the possibilities is infidelity although hopefully not) so don't take no for an answer, if you're jointly liable for the debt you have every right to know where it came from.

I'm going to give him the chance to come clean - tell him I know something but not what and give him one last chance to talk to me about it. Bloody hope it's that he's a bit in debt rather than infidelity!

"I always ask him if we are ok for money and how we are doing so I wish he would just tell me!"

This is the issue.

You either need a joint account with both your names on it, or you get internet access to the account that is used for utilities and bills.

I'd go for a joint account that he and you put a percentage in every month that covers your usual bills.
Very easy and fast to set up especially if both of you bank in the same bank.

He's not your Dad.

You need visibility on finances that affect your life.
Have you access to the mortgage account?

I still do not understand why a credit card would be maxed out at £900. OP you really do not have a good relationship if you have no knowledge of joint finances.

We genuinely had a talk about it the other day.i said if anything happened to him I wouldn't have a clue about our outgoings as they have all gone up over the past year and that maybe we needed to get a joint account so I could see if we could save some money here and there. Looking back he did her a bit flustered but I thought it was because I'd found out how much he spends on food (always popping to get lunch on his lunch break!!). Little did I know 😌. Definitely won't be so naive in the future.

I don't really understand it but from the information I can gather he's nearly reached his limit on it which is just over £1000. I was dead against us having one but he said he was getting one to improve his credit score and would just use it for petrol and pay it off every month? I stupidly believed him

Some people do opt for lower credit limits on their cards?