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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take away all of husbands credit cards?

74 replies

Timeforabiscuit · 30/10/2011 14:04

Need an honest response as i'm too confused to tell.

My wage has gone on the mortgage and childcare. His paid for all the rest of the household bills. Around a year ago H started drinking a lot more also started gambling, I saw he wasn't playing free games like I assumed when I saw our joint account was a bit low and looked at what was coming out. I got a very nasty shock but we talked it out, he started counseling for the drinking and stopped the poker sites.

The counseling showed up that a recent promotion was one of the stress triggers for the drinking, so we talked about how he could change jobs but around six months ago he just said he couldn't carry on working so we worked out a budget plan which meant if he handed in his notice we could afford the bills in the worst case scenario of not finding a job and him being the SAHP.

So now husband has been SAHP for four months and finally got a job offer fantastic news!!! Except that we need to buy a car, no problem I say we've been budgeting.....

No we haven't H has been siphoning £11,000 of debt off credit cards. While H has been managing (or lack there of) the household finances he has put every major purchase, computer game, off license visit where I couldn't bloody see it. I feel so bloody cheated and angry at him, bottom line is he can't get any more credit and is looking for a joint loan as a bailout - Joint as in I'm the only one with a job and he needs a car to get to work.

I've surprised myself by not shouting, hysterics - but my fear level is just crippling, all I could say was you're not allowed cards any more and work out a fresh budget on our actual cost of living.

I can't think what else I can do, I know he feels trapped as a SAHP but I honestly don't know what to do or whether taking the cards away will just take away responsibility for cleaning up this mess.

OP posts:
cantspel · 30/10/2011 14:09

Do not allow him access to anymore money and do not get a joint loan out with him. Let him buy an old heap of a car for a couple of hundred from the autions if he really needs a car to work.

Where has all the money gone if he hasn't been using it on day to day living?
Could his gambling still be going on without your knowledge?

whoneedssleepanyway · 30/10/2011 14:11

I would be livid OP. I don't think you should take out a joint loan though and get yourself into anymore debt. Can you afford to lease a car so you pay a set amount each month.

Your OH needs to take responsibility for his spending habits and taking his cards away won't cure that, although until he has this under control you should probably restrict his access to your joint account. Hope you can sort something out OP.

RandomMess · 30/10/2011 14:11

I think you both need to cut them up and "stop" them. He still has the responsibility of paying it off.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/10/2011 14:13

He needs to take some responsibility. Didn't like his promotion, doesn't like being a SAHD. I think he needs to be made to understand that he is a parent and he needs to understand it isn't all about him. I second cheap car. Can he get a loan from a family member for a few hundred (made clear that it is HIS debt).

Gambling and drinking like this are addictions. He needs serious help, really serious help. And, you will not trust him until he is really recovering because you are mortgaging the family's future.

Original poster
Timeforabiscuit · 30/10/2011 14:15

Thanks cantspel, my worry is the cheap car would cost (me) more as with fuel, childcare costs, MOT, Insurance, Road Tax, Breakdown Cover the commute is 60 miles per day the return on him getting this job is £125 per month.

We have no car at the moment and they want him to start in two weeks.

and yes I think the gambling is still a problem, he still gambles on free sites - but I haven't looked at the statements yet (gutless)

OP posts:
whoneedssleepanyway · 30/10/2011 14:15

Yes the cheap second had car is a much better idea. Then if he wants a better car make him save up from his salary each month till he has enough saved for a better one, that would also teach him about budgetting and being better with money.

Original poster
Timeforabiscuit · 30/10/2011 14:20

Truly £11,000 - I can't even type it without shaking, I can't see how he can pay it off - I don't want him unhappy, he had sessions for around 5 months last time. And it was tough, I could see that - he said he did this because he didn't want me to worry, but I can't see past the selfishness

OP posts:
cantspel · 30/10/2011 14:20

You can get some really good second hand cars. Go for the smallest engine size you can find as it will be cheaper on insurance and road tax.

Stop all his access to money and if possible block the gambling sites on your home computer or stop his access to it. He clearly has a major gambling problem that is going to need addressing too.

Original poster
Timeforabiscuit · 30/10/2011 14:24

I don't thinks it's as simple as it all going on gambling - at most I think £700 over a couple of years. The rest has just been frittered, every treat, occasion, family outing has just been put on and unpaid.

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 30/10/2011 14:25

dont put your name to any more loans otherwise you will be liable for them, omg! huge huge trust issues here, and until he can sort out the drinking and gambling he doesnt deserve to have access to the family finances imo, it would be a deal breaker for im afraid, you gave him a chance by agreeing for him to be a SAHD and he repaid you by being decietful and putting the familys home at risk, what a pratt!!i feel for you! this is his debt he needs to be proactive about sorting it out, i know thats easier said than done, what has he actually said about the £11,000 ??

sorry about typos.

SkinnyWhiteBoy · 30/10/2011 14:25

YANBU
Good luck.

Original poster
Timeforabiscuit · 30/10/2011 14:26

Looking at secondhand cars, we have no knowledge of them so we would be buying blind - the cheapest "good" car was £5995.00. I have no idea whether that's a good deal or not.

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 30/10/2011 14:26

deal breaker for me!

KengaTengo · 30/10/2011 14:28

YANBU

Cut them up! Am tempted to suggest cutting off something else as well but i might be accused of inciting violence!

manicbmc · 30/10/2011 14:30

He's very selfish. Seems nothing suits him and he's happy for you to be landed with all this worry.

Original poster
Timeforabiscuit · 30/10/2011 14:31

Thanks for all these messages - I've been wrapped up in a bubble of shock, Susiedaisy he said he's sorry, he didn't want to worry me, he knows he's been deceitful but he just though if he got a new job he could fix it all without my ever being bothered by it.

Ironically if he'd have told me right at the start what the situation was we'd have had a shot at affording a car and i wouldn't have gone on spending like a numpty thinking there was money in the bank.

OP posts:
BOOareHaunting · 30/10/2011 14:33

You should be able to get a second hand car for £2000 ish. It won't be the best but with the CC payments I would say he'll have to make do.

I still can't believe it's possible to spend £11000 in 4 months. Shock Thats nearly £3000 a month. I would want to know what on. I could maybe forgive the misguided family treats he has paid for but anything he has bought for him and only him I would consider selfish.

I know it's UNMNety but (((hugs))) to you - it can't be easy right now. Sad

3littlefrogs · 30/10/2011 14:33

I think you should get legal advice immediately. This man is behaving like a child, and he will drag you and his DC down with him. Your responsibility is firstly to protect yourself and your dc.

EllaDee · 30/10/2011 14:33

If he can't buy a car he will have to sort out public transport - can he?

No, 6k is not a good deal for a car. He needs to research it and find something - all this should not be your responsibility.

YANBU.

susiedaisy · 30/10/2011 14:34

but £11,000 good god that is a vast sum to run up in a few months for the average family !! i am shocked for you! this could take years to clear!

MonstrouslyNarkyPuffin · 30/10/2011 14:42

First of all calm down. If you're going to tell him what a fuckwit he is, you can do that just as effectively this evening or tomorrow.

Second, go and ask him for all his bank and credit card statements. All of them. Tell him this is his one chance to be honest with you. You won't blow up at him if he tells you now.

Then go and look at the stuff in private and work out what the scale of the debt is and what he's been spending it on.

hugs

norrisghoulafterpm · 30/10/2011 14:45

I am the 'husband' in this situation. I am ashamed to say it but I somehow ran up debts of £10,000 over the last year or so. The stupid thing is, they went on nothing. The even sadder thing is DH had just managed to pay off a load of other debt with his mums inheritance. I hid it for months but finally confessed and he went mad - quite understanably. I am now allowed a certain amount of money a mnth, no cards, nothing extra and it's really hard, but if i did it again, we wold, in all seriousness, lose the house. I can't believee stayed with me at times, but he did and we are very slowly repaying. The point of this is just to say that I know what it's like to be on the other side. Spending compulsively, or just feeling a need to have money and buy rubbish is a horrible feeling, proabably some kind of illness and I hate myself at times. Sometimes I'm tempted to just get another card and spend, but I know I can't. It's horrible and shaming.

Original poster
Timeforabiscuit · 30/10/2011 14:46

Sorry for misleading, its been years in the build up - The gambling stopped when he started the counseling ( I checked!) but while he's been SAHP he siphoned £2,000. One credit card was for work travel expenses which has around £3000. Another Credit card with a 0% has around £2000. an £800 overdraft and a third credit card with £4000. This has steadily growing until it's gone pop.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timeforabiscuit · 30/10/2011 14:49

thanks norrisghoulafterpm he is not monster, but he is compulsive and spontaneous and very very stupid.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timeforabiscuit · 30/10/2011 14:50
  • a monster
OP posts: