Think we've had our dirty cup moment

[Dirtycupmoment]

Hello!
Just in here to work through some feelings really.
As my title suggests, I think my husband and I have had our dirty cup moment. You know, the article where the guy says his wife divorced him because he routinely leaves cups by the sink.
Irritatingly it was dirty pots that pushed me over that tipped me over the 'this is salvageable' to 'I don't care if it is anymore'. I wanted it to be something a bit more interesting, but it really is the small things that have the biggest impact.

We've been together 19 years. But these last few months have just been pretty depressing. There's a lot to unpack, so I'll start with this last week.

It was my birthday. Over many years, we have decided to forgo birthday and Christmas presents and go away somewhere nice twice a year. I arranged his birthday one. I also booked mine. I would have loved him to book, but hey ho, i knew what i wanted and he agreed he would pay half.

I paid for the spa of the hotel we were heading to. And then 2 days before my birthday, I ended up paying the rest. It wasn't cheap. But I was determined not to spoil it by fighting for the money. I'd received some for Christmas, and I would have liked to keep some, but that's now gone.

His excuse for not paying his half; he's self employed and hadn't worked much over Christmas. Or the weeks before. Or the week after. And although I know he has some stashed, he hasn't been forthcoming with it.

It's the morning of my birthday. He gets me breakfast in bed, flowers. Ive booked Sunday lunch on the way to the hotel, his suggestion, but I booked as its v popular. So, we need to be on time.

I have a shower, expecting him to pack his overnight bag whilst I'm getting ready. We've been away for the night many times. He knows what to do. But no. He's faffing. Again, I don't react. Previously this would cause a row, as I hate setting off late, being late, being disorganised. I remind him to pack his swimming stuff and just let it go.

We set off, he takes the wrong turn. Again, i don't say anything.

We have lunch. He pays. Card declined because he's not moved money from his stash. Leave him to sort whilst I go to loo as I find it pretty triggering/upsetting after many years of having no money. Again, I don't comment, just smile ano check all sorted when I return.

We head off, it's a beautiful day. As we turn into the hotel he announces he's forgotten his trunks. At 3.30pm.on a Sunday. In the middle of nowhere. We check in, he makes a mad dash to find some. I refused to go as I was really annoyed. But I didn't shout/make a fuss, just told him i was annoyed and by the time he returned, trunks in hand, I'm calm.

We had a lovely time. Chatted about how to help him get back on track with his work. I'm feeling hugely under pressure financially, but I'm really trying to communicate in a better way, so not getting upset and mad.

We return in the Monday. He's full of cold. No sleep for either of us. I went to work Tuesday, told him to try rest etc. No work done, but no real effort to look after himself either. Tuesday night, no sleep again. Wednesday, I work. He doesn't. But he also leaves the house in a shit tip. And finally I blow. Over the pots.

I'm exhausted. I'm so damn exhausted with being the carer and not being cared for.

Yesterday, he had done the pots. And made dinner. But I fear its too little, too late. I've run out of things to say to him. And stopped caring.

I've opened a bank account called "1 day". It's my way out.

There's so much more, but I feel this is already too long.

He sounds hapless (disorganised, dithery, wrong turns etc) but from the bit you’ve described, not a bad person.

It sounds like you’re deeply unhappy though, and you resent the imbalance of finances. I’d be inclined to go for therapy together to see if you can feel emotionally connected again.

You said you had a lovely time while you were away. It seems there’s still something positive there.

Yes I would say that some therapy together could be beneficial - maybe get to why financial instability triggers you. He may be feeling inadequate, while you feel put-upon, and it's important to work through those feelings. Otherwise, whether you split or stay, that resentment will eat at you for many years to come.

Do you like him?

Does he manage to be competent when it suits him?

Thank you @Username123343

You're right. He is hapless. I'm inclined to think 'useless' too easily, which is probably unfair.

I'm not sure I want to do counselling. I feel like his mother all too often. And you're right, I'm resentfulnof the financial situation. He can easily earn enough to pay all the bills doing a job he loves. But the minute I get a job, he cuts back to earn half the bills. Which is understandable. Life would be easier if he carried on earning more, so we could have more breathing space/financial stability when he takes time off. But, I can understand the 50% thing, it's not fair for 1 of us to do all the work.

What I don't understand is that when I work, I'm still doing 90% of the household stuff. And the actual adulting- paying bills, knowing what the kids are doing, planning ahead for holidays, our future and so on. I resent that I look like the tosser because I asked him to put his lunch pots in the dishwasher, because his reply is 'I'm working too, you know'

I think I've just reached a point where I don't despise him or anything, I still love and care. I just don't want this type of relationship.

@FreeAdamsApples sort of. He's generally poor with time management. And focus. He's not intentionally being like that to me, but it's still very wearing.

@ClawedButler I think therapy would help me. And him. Not sure I want marriage guidance type. But yes, I have issues. Don't we all?

@Borntobeamum I like him. I'm not sure I want to carry on living the style of life we have together, if that makes sense.

This sounds very familiar to me about a couple I know who were married 30 years. They didn't have the financial balance issues but the rest of it is very similar.

The good thing is, it's all fixable stuff, but there has to be communication and understanding on both sides. A positive thing about couples counselling is that you have a mediator (counsellor) to help you through the communication blocks.

It's fair enough that you want your partner to be a partner and not something like a spare wheel you have to keep tending to. He does seem to otherwise be a good person. It is worth keeping in mind that everyone has their flaws, so even if you went off and found someone else to be with, doesn't necessarily mean it would be perfect.

Although it doesn't make his haplessness acceptable, he probably doesn't realise the impact it's having on you, and as it's easy for him, he keeps doing it.

Couples counselling is definitely worth a try - if it doesn't work then you can reconsider splitting. As you said in your OP, it's only been a couple of months when it's been difficult.

Yes I agree, ‘useless’ is unfair. He’s just different to you. Perhaps neurodiverse in some way whereas you sound very ‘capable’ and perhaps neurotypical? (planning ahead for holidays, paying the bills etc - takes a certain mindset to find that second nature). He has a different view on life to you too - eg working a bare minimum to live off (nothing wrong with this, but it doesn’t match your outlook).

You say you still love and care, so there’s still some feelings there that you could return to. Love him for who he is or leave him so he can find someone to love him for who he is. He is just different to you. He’s not useless or someone who objectively you should leave.

You’re not a bad person either by the way. It just sounds like the chasm of difference between you both has presented itself to you and you don’t feel you can unsee it and bridge that gap again.

I will say again - do consider therapy before you leave him. It could really regain your compassion for him.

He sounds ADHD to me

Who says it’s second nature to the op to do this stuff? Someone had to do it and he doesn’t so it’s her. That doesn’t mean it’s second nature. It might exhaust her. She might hate every moment of doing that stuff, but it has to be done. She certainly doesn’t love it or she wouldn’t be ready to leave her husband over this.

I'd say useless rather than hapless. I'd also say selfish, thoughtless, uncaring and plenty more besides.

Do you have children together? If not, I'd get the ball rolling today. What's the bet he'll be working full time once he has to rely on his own money.

this was how I got with my now ex-H. it was like having an additional child in the house who needed me to plan everything, do everything, save/budget, whilst still telling him what a good dad he is etc etc. The relief I felt when, after spending months battling with guilt that I didn't want it any more, he said he thought we should split up as he couldn't face spending time with me once the children had left for college/uni, was huge. It still took me several months after we split (we were sharing a bed until the night before we moved into two separate houses!) to stop automatically thinking about how he was and checking in on him that he was OK with the split etc. Then he uttered the words 'I miss seeing the children in the evenings but not the dogs. Or you' and that was that!

@Dirtycupmoment if you are feeling "under pressure financially" then why the hell would you book an expensive couple of days away!!! how are you so sure he has a stash? doesnt sound like you even like him, far less love him!

It sounds like you don't like him very much and you're irritated by everything he does. He doesn't sound like a bad person, just a disorganised one.

@blobby10 sounds like you understand. I hope you've found happiness now.

I have only mentioned the last few weeks, but this has been an issue since the beginning. We have times where all is OK, then it slides. And I'm tired of the cycle He's tired of it too, we have spoken about it many, many times.

He is neurodiverse, never been diagnosed properly. I do take this into consideration and try to be as patient as possible. I have several autoimmune issues that he never considers to be as important as his issues. His needs always trump mine.

I am a planner, but I want someone who will plan with me. He will vaguely talk about what happens when the kids lrave home (about 3 years), but he doesn't really make a plan. Or, if I put one forward, it's never actioned.

He is a good person. But he's also ranty, shouty and doesnt know hiw to communicate. He gets extremely defensive when i try to discuss anything with him.

An example of this is... My wage os paid inro my account, his money into his. As he is self employed, his changes a lot and and I never know how much he has earned that week.

So, he pays the mortgage and council tax. I pay the rest of the bills. He shpukd earn more than me, so he is supposed to put some money into a 'joint' account weekly that I use to pay bills/shopping/ what ever my money hasn't covered that week.

All fine. But he doesn't put the money in. Unless i ask him. And I don't know how much he has earned, so i get stressed. And when I ask he takes offence. He thinks I'm saying he's not earned enough. Or that he has to pay everything, so he rants and shouts. Its not that. I just need to know where we stand so I can work out when to pay certain bills and so on. So, I don't ask. And then things can get out of control. Bills go unpaid, or I'm juggling everything until there are no balls left. When really, he just needs to put a set amount in, on a set day, and everything works fine. I've tried several ways to make this happen, it just doesn't.

That's the kind of thing I find tiring.

Well if you believe he is neurodiverse (which I have been diagnosed) he needs diagnosis and then potentially medication. I've heard medication makes a huge difference. I would recommend saving to go private as the waiting lists are years and years.

You have to understand it's a neurological disorder. Our brains don't work the way yours does. What you see as easy is a nightmare for someone like me. Apparently everything that needs doing, our brain puts in extra steps so everything is a mountain when it should be a molehill and everything becomes impossible.

He needs to take responsibility for his issues. I use a phone calendar with multiple reminders. I plan ahead with google maps when I drive even down to where I will park so I don't get stressed. Anything I need to remember to take with me to work, I leave near my shoes or my handbag.

There are ways around these things but he has to do them. Not you for him.

Planners and notebooks don't work. Electrical devices do because I always have mine with me.

I got diagnosed with adhd centre. They were fantastic.

Ffs...He just sounds human to me.... one who's not ultra-organised and makes mistakes!

Of course these things are annoying, and it's easy to let these things build up, but to end a marriage over stuff like taking a wrong turn and forgetting swimming trunks is extreme.

Ok, there's more here than I gave credit for in my last post.

He needs to buck his ideas up, and work at ways of being more organised... Whatever the rights and wrongs of this, if your relationship is making you miserable, then you need to consider if you'd be better without him. I think an awful lot of marriages - probably most - suffer from the issues you've outlined to some degree.

But Op says he’s ND?

@harerunner when the mistakes are most days, and the lack of ability to organise are most days, it becomes pretty wearisome tbh.

@Namechange666 thanks for sharing. He has tried all of that. Sometimes it works. But mostly he still doesn't do the things on his reminders etc. He has spoken to Dr's over the years, but never gets beyond that and self diagnosing on Google.

@2jacqi I know he has some money stashed. We went because I didn't dream he wouldn't work for many weeks. And he's still not working. And I guess I'm fed up of missing out on things because he hasn't contributed his share?

Never been diagnosed though, so that's just a guess.

@DocOck he's been to Dr's on and off since childhood. It's just never been followed through/officially diagnosed.

Some of the behaviour is connected, but I know, because he has behaved differently in the past, not all of it is.

@harerunner agree that there are a lot of marriages like this. It's just about when we reach the tipping point, which way to go.

Maybe I’m projecting a bit here but I was wondering, as I was reading your post, whether your efforts to avoid a row are about you (emotional regulation, culture of blame, communication style) or because he has trained you to walk on eggshells.

Does he blow up over small criticisms?
Does he use arguments to deflect from the issue?

I’m a huge proponent of therapy, but not couples therapy - individual therapy. And I think having a space where you can get angry, or speak without thinking first would be very valuable for you.