Think we've had our dirty cup moment

[Dirtycupmoment]

Hello!
Just in here to work through some feelings really.
As my title suggests, I think my husband and I have had our dirty cup moment. You know, the article where the guy says his wife divorced him because he routinely leaves cups by the sink.
Irritatingly it was dirty pots that pushed me over that tipped me over the 'this is salvageable' to 'I don't care if it is anymore'. I wanted it to be something a bit more interesting, but it really is the small things that have the biggest impact.

We've been together 19 years. But these last few months have just been pretty depressing. There's a lot to unpack, so I'll start with this last week.

It was my birthday. Over many years, we have decided to forgo birthday and Christmas presents and go away somewhere nice twice a year. I arranged his birthday one. I also booked mine. I would have loved him to book, but hey ho, i knew what i wanted and he agreed he would pay half.

I paid for the spa of the hotel we were heading to. And then 2 days before my birthday, I ended up paying the rest. It wasn't cheap. But I was determined not to spoil it by fighting for the money. I'd received some for Christmas, and I would have liked to keep some, but that's now gone.

His excuse for not paying his half; he's self employed and hadn't worked much over Christmas. Or the weeks before. Or the week after. And although I know he has some stashed, he hasn't been forthcoming with it.

It's the morning of my birthday. He gets me breakfast in bed, flowers. Ive booked Sunday lunch on the way to the hotel, his suggestion, but I booked as its v popular. So, we need to be on time.

I have a shower, expecting him to pack his overnight bag whilst I'm getting ready. We've been away for the night many times. He knows what to do. But no. He's faffing. Again, I don't react. Previously this would cause a row, as I hate setting off late, being late, being disorganised. I remind him to pack his swimming stuff and just let it go.

We set off, he takes the wrong turn. Again, i don't say anything.

We have lunch. He pays. Card declined because he's not moved money from his stash. Leave him to sort whilst I go to loo as I find it pretty triggering/upsetting after many years of having no money. Again, I don't comment, just smile ano check all sorted when I return.

We head off, it's a beautiful day. As we turn into the hotel he announces he's forgotten his trunks. At 3.30pm.on a Sunday. In the middle of nowhere. We check in, he makes a mad dash to find some. I refused to go as I was really annoyed. But I didn't shout/make a fuss, just told him i was annoyed and by the time he returned, trunks in hand, I'm calm.

We had a lovely time. Chatted about how to help him get back on track with his work. I'm feeling hugely under pressure financially, but I'm really trying to communicate in a better way, so not getting upset and mad.

We return in the Monday. He's full of cold. No sleep for either of us. I went to work Tuesday, told him to try rest etc. No work done, but no real effort to look after himself either. Tuesday night, no sleep again. Wednesday, I work. He doesn't. But he also leaves the house in a shit tip. And finally I blow. Over the pots.

I'm exhausted. I'm so damn exhausted with being the carer and not being cared for.

Yesterday, he had done the pots. And made dinner. But I fear its too little, too late. I've run out of things to say to him. And stopped caring.

I've opened a bank account called "1 day". It's my way out.

There's so much more, but I feel this is already too long.

Its the lack of care, he doesn't care enough to make an effort for you. It's tiring when you feel like you have an extra child not a life partner.

I've recently had a dirty cup moment and if anything it was even more insignificant than yours but it just reinforced that I don't matter.

It doesnt actually matter whether he is neuro diverse or whatever the terminology is though does it. because his behaviour is getting on your nerves. you have had enough. you dont have to stick with someone just because they have this issue, not if its to the detriment of your own life and not if you dont love them either. He isnt going to improve and the whole separate finances issue would completely do my head in as its always going to cause conflict unless both parties are 100% open about what they earn and what they have.

Just because there are lots of marriages like this doesnt make it right for you. you dont have to settle.

Personally, I would be asking for total joint finances so I could see what was going in and coming out rather than having to ask each and every time. I would be divvying up the household tasks to be more 50 / 50 and say that this is something that has to be kept to.

but you need to tell him this is the last chance saloon, that you have had enough. if you put the strategies in place then the ball is all in his court.

He sounds utterly tedious, I've got no sympathy at all for people who RUIN things for OTHER people and then cry victim because it's all so haaarrrd. Bollocks, I'd be sick of him too.

I agree with this.

@Dirtycupmoment my husband was very believable in his behaviour. None of it seemed deliberate, I was beginning to think he might be ND. It wasn't until we were apart and I had help from Women's Aid and read The Freedom Programme book that I realised how deliberate it all was. He had been training me to dance to his tune. It is exhausting.

I may be way off the mark here regarding your circumstances but I see familiarities. There are so many things in your post at 11.23 that I could pick out as being red flags. My point is that you very often can't see the wood for the trees when you are still living that day to day life, you need headspace and clarity to see the situation without any influence of emotion.

@Dirtycupmoment - * But the minute I get a job, he cuts back to earn half the bills... Life would be easier if he carried on earning more, so we could have more breathing space/financial stability when he takes time off. But, I can understand the 50% thing, it's not fair for 1 of us to do all the work.

What I don't understand is that when I work, I'm still doing 90% of the household stuff. And the actual adulting- paying bills, knowing what the kids are doing, planning ahead for holidays, our future and so on. I resent that I look like the tosser because I asked him to put his lunch pots in the dishwasher, because his reply is 'I'm working too, you know'*

That kind of behaviour will kill all the love you have for him, one pot at a time.

Exac-fucking-ly. Also, didn't take long for the 'neurodiverse' to come out did it? another excuse for man children. Good grief. Not all of us are useless self-absorbed twats.
Sincerely ND woman with ND husband.

OP I wouldn't tolerate any of this crap. You are a TEAM. What aspect of 'ND' exactly causes him to cut back his hours the moment you earn more? With no discussion? He shouldn't be making decisions unilaterally. If I were you I'd also be going on strike. Stop buying his food, stop giving him any money, yeah bills you can't get around. Have you asked why he does this?

Dump and run for the hills. I can guarantee within days he will be working at full capacity and magically able to handle himself.

@Nonplusultra yes. I've become that way because I never really know what he perceives as an attack, so when he will shout. I really, really don't like being shouted at. But I'm also doing it mindfully, so I can see if it effects the outcome. Ie, does it stop this cycle if one of us starts to behave differently.

I have several autoimmune issues that he never considers to be as important as his issues. His needs always trump mine.

And this is not a ND issue. He's a selfish arsehole, and it sounds like all the giving is one way.

Op, I think you'd benefit from sole counselling, to help you see things clearly and work things out.

I can totally see why your h's behaviour is exhausting and has ground you down. You deserve more.

It just sounds like the whole relationship has run out of steam. he cant be arsed to step up and keep his word for quite important, special things like this birthday. You have to conciously bite your tongue, step back and be conciously patient and remove yourself while he sorts his shit out. You're one step away from contempt, and I think the relationship is just about over. Whether its just fizzled out, or he hasnt grown, or youve outgrown him or youre just in different headspaces and places inyour lives and careers, it just sounds like a dead end. Im sorry, I know this is a bit of a gloomy post, but it doesnt sound like youd be heartbroken to have the talk and end it, and it doesnt sound like he'd eat his heart out over it either.

Life's too short to be unhappy.

@Dirtycupmoment - It sounds like you're doing 90% of the household chores, 100% of the mental load in this relationship and what exactly does he bring to the table apart from being a nice bloke?

Someone else asked if you have kids but I can't see if you've replied to that.

If you don't, I honestly would give him an ultimatum on the relationship - he starts paying more attention, regularly and does the things that anyone else would be able to do without the constant reminders and then you will consider staying.

Anything less and you will be left with no option but to leave. He's not bringing enough to the table to make you want to stay.

The ranting and shouting would be enough for me to get the ice.

So he could earn more but chooses not to but you have to do all the house stuff while working and having auto immune disorders? Ok then 😂 doesn’t sound fair does it

@Lobelia123 I'm that's how it feels, tbh.

The signs have been there for a long, long time. And I know we both love each other, we have a life together, but I also know it's run its course.

If we are truly honest, we both know it.

@FormerlyPathologicallyHappy urgh. I hate that for me.

Good luck Dirtycupmoment! I admire you for having the self awareness to be in the moment and assessing where you are and whether youre happy or not....regardless of what may or may not happen next. So many people bumble along kind of unhappy and kind of unfulfilled but never examine it further , and like Cactus said, life's too short.

He's a nice enough person. But he's not the right person for you.

You have pretty much described my ex to a T with the stuff he did. We still share the kids but my life is a million times better without another child to look after.

Plan your exit.

The best balance for most is a masculine and a feminine. The masculine provides and protects while the feminine caters in the home. You're being made to do all for most of the time. It goes against nature.

If it makes you feel any better BTW my marriage ended over a Shepherds Pie. I was doing SW at the time and had made this pie and asked him to heat it up for dinner. He slathered the damn thing in cheese (which I did not want on it) before heating it up. I'm not proud of myself but I lost my absolute fucking shit over the pie. Because it was just one more thing in a long list where he just did whatever the hell he wanted without ever stopping to consider what I wanted or think to ask what I wanted.

You can leave a relationship at any time and for any reason. Or no reason at all.

Living with a man like yours would kill my spirit dead. Life is too short to be carrying around the load of resentment that comes with having a partner who won't carry their share of the load.

You can try couples counseling but it sounds to me as if you're beyond that.

God I'm so with you OP. Exactly the same scenario with my ex H x 100.."self employed" but rarely had work, created bloody mess everywhere he went, a total waste of space, never organised.
I live on my own now. Nice house. Getting rid of him was the best thing I ever did. Get the hell out of there.

@Dirtycupmoment there does come a point where, however much you feel you love him, you need to prioritize your own feelings and look out for yourself. Good luck - I'm happier on my own tbh and have just adopted a dog

I think you’re living a parallel existence to me. I don’t have much advice but I can SO empathise.

All these words hapless, useless, resent and contempt massive apply in my house too.

I do 100% of the mental load, including dealing with a ND teen who self harms and is depressed. He occasionally sweeps in with some wise monologue but does fuck all to actually help (in fact HE will say that HE can’t cope and HE doesn’t understand, despite it not being about him).

I do 90% of household chores. I am the main earner. I work more hours. I organise holidays, birthdays, Christmas, socials, he literally just turns up for his life and I organise it. I left his finances to him - the ends result was him running up debt as he is so frivolous, so I have to deal with that too. Why do I end up doing all this? Because if I don’t, it goes wrong, and it impacts me in a worse way. So I end up ‘it’s easier if I just do it’.

His selective incompetence is off the radar. It doesn’t matter how many times you say something, he either chooses not to hear it, doesn’t recall, or swears you never said it in the first place.

E.g. please don’t put the nylon PE tops with the printed logo in the dryer, they shrink. But he does it 3 times. On the 3rd time I say he’ll have to organise a replacement. But he doesn’t know which website, he doesn’t know the right size, he can’t go to the shop as he’s working , it wasn’t his fault, I never told him that in the first place, he doesn’t remember me saying that.

and it’s the same with every.single.thing. That alone would be a one-off, but everything is the same. He works away 4 days a week and during those 4 days I am calmer, happier, nicer, more rested and better in control. The rest of the time I feel like I’m trying to conduct my life with a toddler that needs supervision.

However he manages to hold down a job I don’t know. How when he can’t even retain simple things I tell him?

OP if you don’t have a DC with the needs mine has (a divorce would really send her MH to another level I fear) then I would be liberating yourself. I really would.

OP, I could have written your post. From the lack of initiative, me being the mother and the father, carrying the financial burden, being the only one planning for the future, never being the one that someone looks after or takes care of.

All the adult shit on me. All the finance on me.
And then I had to deal with his moods.

We went to 1 counselling session but I understood it was too late for me.

We've been together 18 years, have 2 kids.
I told him last weekend it's over.

It's been horrendous but I believe it will get better.

I hope you find the right way forward for you and your family and you manage to find happiness again.

He sounds like a lazy shit to me!

OP, get yourself out of this relationship and into a new one, if you want one, with a fully functioning adult

What is this tradwife nonsense 😂