Hello!
Just in here to work through some feelings really.
As my title suggests, I think my husband and I have had our dirty cup moment. You know, the article where the guy says his wife divorced him because he routinely leaves cups by the sink.
Irritatingly it was dirty pots that pushed me over that tipped me over the 'this is salvageable' to 'I don't care if it is anymore'. I wanted it to be something a bit more interesting, but it really is the small things that have the biggest impact.
We've been together 19 years. But these last few months have just been pretty depressing. There's a lot to unpack, so I'll start with this last week.
It was my birthday. Over many years, we have decided to forgo birthday and Christmas presents and go away somewhere nice twice a year. I arranged his birthday one. I also booked mine. I would have loved him to book, but hey ho, i knew what i wanted and he agreed he would pay half.
I paid for the spa of the hotel we were heading to. And then 2 days before my birthday, I ended up paying the rest. It wasn't cheap. But I was determined not to spoil it by fighting for the money. I'd received some for Christmas, and I would have liked to keep some, but that's now gone.
His excuse for not paying his half; he's self employed and hadn't worked much over Christmas. Or the weeks before. Or the week after. And although I know he has some stashed, he hasn't been forthcoming with it.
It's the morning of my birthday. He gets me breakfast in bed, flowers. Ive booked Sunday lunch on the way to the hotel, his suggestion, but I booked as its v popular. So, we need to be on time.
I have a shower, expecting him to pack his overnight bag whilst I'm getting ready. We've been away for the night many times. He knows what to do. But no. He's faffing. Again, I don't react. Previously this would cause a row, as I hate setting off late, being late, being disorganised. I remind him to pack his swimming stuff and just let it go.
We set off, he takes the wrong turn. Again, i don't say anything.
We have lunch. He pays. Card declined because he's not moved money from his stash. Leave him to sort whilst I go to loo as I find it pretty triggering/upsetting after many years of having no money. Again, I don't comment, just smile ano check all sorted when I return.
We head off, it's a beautiful day. As we turn into the hotel he announces he's forgotten his trunks. At 3.30pm.on a Sunday. In the middle of nowhere. We check in, he makes a mad dash to find some. I refused to go as I was really annoyed. But I didn't shout/make a fuss, just told him i was annoyed and by the time he returned, trunks in hand, I'm calm.
We had a lovely time. Chatted about how to help him get back on track with his work. I'm feeling hugely under pressure financially, but I'm really trying to communicate in a better way, so not getting upset and mad.
We return in the Monday. He's full of cold. No sleep for either of us. I went to work Tuesday, told him to try rest etc. No work done, but no real effort to look after himself either. Tuesday night, no sleep again. Wednesday, I work. He doesn't. But he also leaves the house in a shit tip. And finally I blow. Over the pots.
I'm exhausted. I'm so damn exhausted with being the carer and not being cared for.
Yesterday, he had done the pots. And made dinner. But I fear its too little, too late. I've run out of things to say to him. And stopped caring.
I've opened a bank account called "1 day". It's my way out.
There's so much more, but I feel this is already too long.