I’m full of so many emotions about this. Apologies if it’s a long one.
Fifteen years ago I was married to my now Ex-H. It wasn’t right for either of us, and I started an affair with a married man (you can be judgey about that if you want, but be gentle please). Ex-H also had an affair and we ended up divorcing reasonably amicably, which was finalised about ten years ago.
The affair I had was the most intense relationship of my life. He felt the same. We talked about leaving our respective spouses for one another at the beginning but realised that the intensity we felt was probably not ‘real’, and that to damage our kids, wreck our marriages etc was too big a step to take.
Over time the relationship evolved. We sometimes went a long time without doing anything about physical, as we both felt bad about our marriages. But the ‘mental’ affair didn’t stop. We would text 50 times a day, talk on the phone for an hour every day, and this went on for nearly seven years. He was the closest friend I’ve ever had.
During this time we both had moments where we wanted to make a go of it with each other. But these moments never coincided! The kids were still kids, I had my divorce to get through, we both moved house (putting an hours distance between us), I lost my parents, and although we were absolutely there for one another throughout (he was the first person I rang when my mum died, and he stayed with me all night) it wasn’t a proper relationship. The betrayal, the practical difficulties and the nagging doubt that it still wasn’t ‘real’ held us back.
Eventually, about five years ago, I grasped the nettle and told him that I wanted a proper relationship with someone who lived close by and could be with me properly. He was very upset at the prospect of losing our closeness. By this time it really was just an intimate friendship, rather than a physical affair. But he said that there was no way I could legitimately have a new partner and continue with a relationship like that with him (he was right!) so after a few torrid months of me dating and trying not to mention it to Mr Affair, I met a man. I went NC with Mr Affair, and he totally respected that as the only option. He was extremely upset, and were it not for the man I had started seeing i’d have been the same.
Things didn’t work out with the new man really. We split up after a year or so, and there’s been nobody major since. I stayed NC with Mr Affair because I didn’t want to open old wounds, interrupt his life now etc, and the old problems of his marriage, our kids and the physical distance remained.
A couple of weeks ago I received a letter from a friend of Mr Affair, telling me that he’d died. I was shocked and so, so sad for him and his family, and for myself. It was a total shock. The friend told me that he’d written to me because Mr Affair had wanted him to pass on something to me. It was another letter, written to me by Mr Affair. It was so beautiful, telling me that he never stopped loving me, that I had been the finest person he’d ever met, and that he was so sorry that things ended how they did.
During our relationship, Mr Affair and I had a joint email account. He used to write me little love notes and silly things, and send them there. When we went NC I stopped checking it. His letter told me to check it so that he could prove that he meant what he said in his letter. When I logged on I was completely poleaxed to discover that he’d continued to write to me from the time we’d gone NC right almost until the very end. Not all the time, but every few weeks when he said he missed me or had seen something he’d known we’d have liked sharing. Every one of mine and the kids’ birthdays, every Christmas and new year he’d written as well. They were all full of love and sadness, jokes and silly little things, wishing me nothing but the best.
My heart just dissolved. He was such a lovely, wonderful man. I know we both fucked up with our affair but he was convinced that I was the love of his life, and now I wonder whether he was right and whether he was mine!
Clearly he’s gone now, so it’s not like I can ring him up and suggest that we give it a go. I don’t even know what advice I’m looking for. ‘Get over it!’ probably. Or ‘apologise to his poor wife,
you selfish cow’ from some of you, I suspect But it was such a Sliding Doors type memory, and to read all that he’d written… It was so beautiful and it took me back to such happy places.
I am so very sad he’s gone. RIP beautiful man x