Messed up - told him to leave, not sure if I actually want that

Wednesdaysnow · 2024-01-10T07:30:13+00:00

18 month relationship, live together although only for last 4 months. Last couple of months been difficult, less sex, less communication. We had a huge row Christmas Eve and tbh I haven't really got closure on it yet he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. I feel as though it was all brushed away as it was Christmas. Last night he made a rude short sharp comment to me. I left him to his work in the evening then asked if we can talk about it when he sat down he just rolled his eyes and said he was tired so going to bed - something Iv found he is doing more of if I want to discuss anything. In anger and I suppose desperation to get him to speak to me, I said ‘I don’t want to be with you anymore’ he didn’t say anything but a while later text me saying I was heartless for saying that and he is furious with me and has lost respect for me, couldn’t marry someone that just gives up on a relationship because the other person is tired etc etc Now it’s morning I can see a bit clearer, I shouldn’t have said what I said but equally I am not sure I do want to be with someone that doesn’t want to listen. how do I approach this morning?!

SpringleDingle · 10/01/2024 07:33

Sounds like maybe you don’t want to be with him. This row has been rumbling since Xmas eve??? I wouldn’t want to live like that. A relationship where you can’t communicate and resolve issues and where you are always made out to be the unreasonable one is very uncomfortable. He might be lovely when you aren’t arguing but the measure of a good relationship is how you fix issues together….

Maybe give splitting up some serious thought? If it sounds like a bit of a relief then you have your answer!

Original poster

Wednesdaysnow · 10/01/2024 07:48

SpringleDingle · 10/01/2024 07:33

Sounds like maybe you don’t want to be with him. This row has been rumbling since Xmas eve??? I wouldn’t want to live like that. A relationship where you can’t communicate and resolve issues and where you are always made out to be the unreasonable one is very uncomfortable. He might be lovely when you aren’t arguing but the measure of a good relationship is how you fix issues together….

Maybe give splitting up some serious thought? If it sounds like a bit of a relief then you have your answer!

He used to be so lovely and would always communicate. It seems like he has got a bit comfortable and maybe his true (at times unreasonable and slightly selfish self) has come out. I do love him, sometimes feel life would be easier alone, but would also miss him a lot!
Its really tricky

OP posts:

OwlWeiwei · 10/01/2024 07:56

You're not compatible. The first Christmas living together should be a really loving, cosy, happy experience. Blazing rows and silent treatment after 4 months co-habiting... You both need better.

Original poster

Wednesdaysnow · 10/01/2024 07:58

OwlWeiwei · 10/01/2024 07:56

You're not compatible. The first Christmas living together should be a really loving, cosy, happy experience. Blazing rows and silent treatment after 4 months co-habiting... You both need better.

This is exactly what I wanted. I begged him to come to bed (literally hands and knees at one point) with me but he wanted to stay up drinking watching tv, which he did, in the morning he was acting like nothing happened then it was my fault for bringing up ‘what the hell happened last night?’ It’s all a bit of a mess tbh

OP posts:

seeitthroughmyeyes · 10/01/2024 08:00

OP if you are having to get on your hands and knees to beg him to come to bed. Then he is not the one for you

Livinghappy · 10/01/2024 08:05

OP if you are having to get on your hands and knees to beg him to come to bed. Then he is not the one for you

Never, ever beg in a relationship. After only a year did you really know him? I think your assessment that this is "him" is correct. Now you live together this is what life will be like

Prior to moving in with you, where did he live?

C1N1C · 10/01/2024 08:06

Pending harshness:
It sounds like you're the problem. You have arguments and keep dragging them up rather than letting go... Then at the time when he says something (wrongly) sharp, most likely because he's tired, he runs away from sorting it out because he now knows from experience you're unlikely to let it go.

Then, for attention, you said you wanted to break up... essentially weaponising the relationship itself. That puts him on the back foot and is essentially a get out if jail free card for any argument. It's manipulation.

I'd guess you're quite young...

I wouldn't stick around if I were him.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 10/01/2024 08:08

What was the issue? You wanted to go to bed and he wasn't ready? What time was it at?
Its hard but I'd have to say depends on what exactly was going on.
Does he absolutely refuse to discuss any issues or do you want to go over and over things till the other person agrees with you?

SweetChilliChickenWrap · 10/01/2024 08:09

Wednesdaysnow · 10/01/2024 07:58

This is exactly what I wanted. I begged him to come to bed (literally hands and knees at one point) with me but he wanted to stay up drinking watching tv, which he did, in the morning he was acting like nothing happened then it was my fault for bringing up ‘what the hell happened last night?’ It’s all a bit of a mess tbh

Show quote history

I begged him to come to bed (literally hands and knees at one point)

For fuck's sake OP, get some self respect before you embark on any other relationships.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 10/01/2024 08:11

And the 'begging on hands and knees' is excessively dramatic.

I do think you were in the wrong here whether you wanted to go to bed to snuggle/sleep- he wasn't tired, or wanted to have sex, in that moment, he didn't which is OK and his choice.

Original poster

Wednesdaysnow · 10/01/2024 08:11

Livinghappy · 10/01/2024 08:05

OP if you are having to get on your hands and knees to beg him to come to bed. Then he is not the one for you

Never, ever beg in a relationship. After only a year did you really know him? I think your assessment that this is "him" is correct. Now you live together this is what life will be like

Prior to moving in with you, where did he live?

😔

He lived at home with his dad

OP posts:

Original poster

Wednesdaysnow · 10/01/2024 08:12

C1N1C · 10/01/2024 08:06

Pending harshness:
It sounds like you're the problem. You have arguments and keep dragging them up rather than letting go... Then at the time when he says something (wrongly) sharp, most likely because he's tired, he runs away from sorting it out because he now knows from experience you're unlikely to let it go.

Then, for attention, you said you wanted to break up... essentially weaponising the relationship itself. That puts him on the back foot and is essentially a get out if jail free card for any argument. It's manipulation.

I'd guess you're quite young...

I wouldn't stick around if I were him.

i understand this point of view. And I will admit it just came out, I think to make him listen to me.

I wouldn’t agree that I always drag stuff up, sometimes things happen and he just wants to brush it off like nothing and to me they are big issues

OP posts:

Original poster

Wednesdaysnow · 10/01/2024 08:14

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 10/01/2024 08:08

What was the issue? You wanted to go to bed and he wasn't ready? What time was it at?
Its hard but I'd have to say depends on what exactly was going on.
Does he absolutely refuse to discuss any issues or do you want to go over and over things till the other person agrees with you?

No it was 2:30am.

I find that if he wants to do something alone, like sit up and drink he will try and cause an argument so he can ‘storm off’ and do his thing.

He is very one minded, so he has his version and if that’s not what I think then he will just shut it down. It wasn’t always like this though. And that’s what I’m struggling with

OP posts:

MustBeNapTime · 10/01/2024 08:16

You physically got on your hands and knees and begged him?

Just no.

Let him go and work on your self esteem.

Userfriendlycuz · 10/01/2024 08:16

Op, I know you can’t see it right now clearly, but would you want a lifetime of this? These are not the sort of problems you want so early into a relationship. It’s funny actually how they can deliver all the shit they can give, but can’t take any.

Original poster

Wednesdaysnow · 10/01/2024 08:17

I feel like I have to live by his rules a lot. And if I don’t then I havnt been listening to what he says, I’m not the same, I don’t understand him.

sometimes he can be really irrational, but if I don’t agree then ‘it’s what I’m like don’t be with me if you don’t like it’

OP posts:

AlwaysForksAndMarbles · 10/01/2024 08:20

This is a brilliant advert for living together before getting married or having children. You get to test whether or not you’re compatible as live-in partners.

Your test has shown you’re not compatible. This should be a really loved-up, honeymoon period, not all this unpleasantness. Time to call an end to this relationship, and send him away if it’s your home he’s moved into.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 10/01/2024 08:21

I wouldn’t agree that I always drag stuff up, sometimes things happen and he just wants to brush it off like nothing and to me they are big issues
what's an example of this?

disappearingfish · 10/01/2024 08:24

Sounds like you have had a lucky escape! In a few weeks / months I think you'll be happy he's gone.

Thelootllama · 10/01/2024 08:25

This reads like neither of you is willing to compromise and neither of you are particularly good at communicating with each other.

it might have worked well when you both lived apart and didn't need to communicate or compromise about quite so much. But if you are arguing with each other about which time someone goes to bed after 4 months of living together, this is not a good relationship.

You have done the right thing to end it. But seriously, do some work yourself about how to communicate in a relationship.

LordyMe · 10/01/2024 08:30

It sounds like you are not comparable at all. To be struggling so early in a relationship is not ok.

You should split up. If you both can't manage to live together now how on earth would you manage with kids if you are considering having them.
How old are you both?

Snowfalling · 10/01/2024 08:31

This is who he is, you're not compatible. You will soon be walking on eggshells to prevent an argument. Tell him to move out and see where the relationship goes, if you want to keep seeing him. He was lovely until he moved in, he now he feels comfortable enough to behave as he wants.

Cherry35 · 10/01/2024 08:31

@Wednesdaysnow was the argument just because he wouldn't go bed with you on Christmas day to cuddle?

At what time? Was there something else to argue about?

You're completely unreasonable to get upset just because he didn't want to go bed at the same time than you. Couldn't you have stayed with him watching TV?

My DH and I go to sleep at different times very often and that's never been a point of arguments, people should have free will. He's not a kid for you to dictate at what he must go to bed.

If only because if this argument you wanted to stop the relationship, I would consider you immature too. You seem clingy and needy. It's better you part ways now.

Kwam31 · 10/01/2024 08:32

If this was reversed and a woman was saying your partners side she'd be told to run, you sound quite demanding, you want to go to bed, you want a big discussion, threatening to end relationship.
Stop the drama and stay single, you sound exhausting.

Mabelface · 10/01/2024 08:35

Well done, you've done the right thing. I know you're doubting yourself now, but you've not been treated as an equal here, he thinks he's your boss. Now it's a case of staying strong.