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Original poster

Messed up - told him to leave, not sure if I actually want that

71 replies

Wednesdaysnow · 10/01/2024 07:30

18 month relationship, live together although only for last 4 months.

Last couple of months been difficult, less sex, less communication. We had a huge row Christmas Eve and tbh I haven't really got closure on it yet he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. I feel as though it was all brushed away as it was Christmas.

Last night he made a rude short sharp comment to me. I left him to his work in the evening then asked if we can talk about it when he sat down he just rolled his eyes and said he was tired so going to bed - something Iv found he is doing more of if I want to discuss anything.

In anger and I suppose desperation to get him to speak to me, I said ‘I don’t want to be with you anymore’ he didn’t say anything but a while later text me saying I was heartless for saying that and he is furious with me and has lost respect for me, couldn’t marry someone that just gives up on a relationship because the other person is tired etc etc

Now it’s morning I can see a bit clearer, I shouldn’t have said what I said but equally I am not sure I do want to be with someone that doesn’t want to listen.

how do I approach this morning?!

OP posts:
disappearingfish · 10/01/2024 08:43

He wants to stay up drinking alone until 2.30am.
He manufactures arguments to intimidate OP into leaving him alone to drink.
He won't address conflict in their relationship.

I know it's a one-sided account but I don't think OP is the problem.

Wheresthefibre · 10/01/2024 08:45

Why did you want him to go to bed so bad?

And why did you end up begging? Literally in hands and knees. If I didn’t want to go to bed I wouldn’t go to bed. If my partner started begging and getting on their hands and knees I would find it really weird and definitely wouldn’t be going to bed.

and if they were still trying to ‘talk it out’ weeks later, I wouldn’t engage. I would be frustrated too.

He may be a lot of the things you say he is. But honestly, this situation seems like you are making a huge deal of things.

Then when you add in, that you tell him you want to break up because he won’t engage to discuss him nor going to bed a few weeks ago, but actually just said it to try and make him engage it seems like you are causing a lot of the issues.

It may just come down to not being compatible. When you didn’t live together he may have not minded engaging in the ways you wanted. Now you live together and there’s no break it might not be.

But this relationship isn’t meeting your needs whatever is going on.

Topee · 10/01/2024 08:47

Why did he have to go to bed?

I often stay up late if I don’t have work, I enjoy having some time alone in a quiet house. My husband has never once tried to tell me I need to go to bed, let alone beg.

I don’t think this relationship is right for you.

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/01/2024 08:51

Never ever beg.

This isn't the man for you. If you are now thinking it's easier without him sometimes then pretty soon you'll think it's easier without him all the time.

Chaiandtoast · 10/01/2024 08:51

Moving in together is hard. Rather than communicate well, respectfully and with love you’ve both resorted to toxic, harmful behaviour and unnecessary drama. Why are you begging on your hands and knees for him to go to bed, and then why are you still arguing about that weeks later? It all sounds very emotionally immature and like you are both prioritising your own feelings and issues over the other person. When you describe him it doesn’t even sound like you like him. Maybe you were right to suggest the break up.

Original poster
Wednesdaysnow · 10/01/2024 08:53

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 10/01/2024 08:21

I wouldn’t agree that I always drag stuff up, sometimes things happen and he just wants to brush it off like nothing and to me they are big issues
what's an example of this?

Sadly too many to count.

He lied to me about a sleeping with a woman at the start of our relationship, swore it was just a work thing, his family then let slip it was much more than that

He has got drunk and shouty on more then a few occasions - next morning I’m supposed to ignore it all happened

He has compared me to his ex in a derogatory way

He has thrown things in my face in arguments about my past I have told him in confidence

OP posts:
Vinrouge4 · 10/01/2024 08:53

Too many red flags. Set the bar higher and look for someone who treats you well.

Original poster
Wednesdaysnow · 10/01/2024 08:54

LordyMe · 10/01/2024 08:30

It sounds like you are not comparable at all. To be struggling so early in a relationship is not ok.

You should split up. If you both can't manage to live together now how on earth would you manage with kids if you are considering having them.
How old are you both?

I think if I asked him to move out then that would be the end.

we are early 30’s

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 10/01/2024 08:54

Wednesdaysnow · 10/01/2024 08:53

Sadly too many to count.

He lied to me about a sleeping with a woman at the start of our relationship, swore it was just a work thing, his family then let slip it was much more than that

He has got drunk and shouty on more then a few occasions - next morning I’m supposed to ignore it all happened

He has compared me to his ex in a derogatory way

He has thrown things in my face in arguments about my past I have told him in confidence

Show quote history

You need to get some self respect, and no I don't care how bad that sounds

Deathbyfluffy · 10/01/2024 08:55

Snowfalling · 10/01/2024 08:31

This is who he is, you're not compatible. You will soon be walking on eggshells to prevent an argument. Tell him to move out and see where the relationship goes, if you want to keep seeing him. He was lovely until he moved in, he now he feels comfortable enough to behave as he wants.

You’re conveniently ignoring the part where OP tried to force him to bed when he just wanted to stay up and chill out.

They're both as bad as each other IMO

StoppitRightNow · 10/01/2024 08:58

C1N1C · 10/01/2024 08:06

Pending harshness:
It sounds like you're the problem. You have arguments and keep dragging them up rather than letting go... Then at the time when he says something (wrongly) sharp, most likely because he's tired, he runs away from sorting it out because he now knows from experience you're unlikely to let it go.

Then, for attention, you said you wanted to break up... essentially weaponising the relationship itself. That puts him on the back foot and is essentially a get out if jail free card for any argument. It's manipulation.

I'd guess you're quite young...

I wouldn't stick around if I were him.

I agree with the last paragraph - saying shit you don’t mean for a reaction is v v v immature.

You might be the problem, but it kinda sounds like you just aren’t right for each other. There is a middle ground between silent treatment and pretending nothing happened, and going over and over old ground. We cannot possibly tell from this which it is, but he needs to be able to discuss a fight and you need to be able to accept that sometimes talking about it isn’t the same and grinding a person down until you get the massive apology you think you deserve. Sometimes you both agree to disagree.

But this relationship should be at the absolute best it will ever be right now. I don’t think you are compatible. Move on.

Original poster
Wednesdaysnow · 10/01/2024 09:01

Cherry35 · 10/01/2024 08:31

@Wednesdaysnow was the argument just because he wouldn't go bed with you on Christmas day to cuddle?

At what time? Was there something else to argue about?

You're completely unreasonable to get upset just because he didn't want to go bed at the same time than you. Couldn't you have stayed with him watching TV?

My DH and I go to sleep at different times very often and that's never been a point of arguments, people should have free will. He's not a kid for you to dictate at what he must go to bed.

If only because if this argument you wanted to stop the relationship, I would consider you immature too. You seem clingy and needy. It's better you part ways now.

Edited

It was brewing all afternoon tbh.

He brings things up about my past, completely irrelevant to now, I briefly dated a doctor and then on Christmas Eve it started with, ‘obviously I can’t afford what the doctor could get you but there you go’ then I try to make him feel better but he is already too far in his mind about something.

drink doesn’t help.

we finished watching something on the Tv, i said shall we go to bed and said no, he didn’t want to go to bed with me because I didn’t really want him, I wanted more etc etc. I went to bed, then I could hear really loud music downstairs - ridiculous for the time of night so I came done and calmly asked him to turn it down abit - more out of compassion for the neighbours - it was 2:30am ish! Then he accused me of trying to control him like his ex used to etc

OP posts:
Topee · 10/01/2024 09:02

After reading your last two posts you will definitely be much better off without him.

StoppitRightNow · 10/01/2024 09:02

I mean…Jesus Christ.

Break up. Get him out. He sounds like an absolute idiot.

Original poster
Wednesdaysnow · 10/01/2024 09:10

It’s a mess tbh.

m I would agree that I what I said was immature. It came out of nowhere at the time. But the more I think about it, it probably didn’t.

We are both as bad as each other at times. He can start and argument then just walk off from it, whereas I get too upset and angry to be able to just leave it.

He has a very clever way of making me feel like I’m mental. Some of you may think I am. But before him I was independent, it is my house he moved in to, I have always been honest with him, past relationships ended amicably, although I havnt had as many has he has.

I have asked him before if he has gotten used to patterns of behaviour like starting a row to be able to do what he wants, he denies this. But I think the more he tells me about ex’s they all seem to have the same issues with him.

OP posts:
Silverbirchtwo · 10/01/2024 09:10

Don't try and reason with someone who's had too much to drink. If he's like this often it will almost certainly get worse so cut your losses now. He probably hardly remembers the things that he said after a few drinks so remonstrating afterwards will be to deaf ears. He's sitting drinking and brooding about all the things that are bad, could be bad, how your relationship isn't going to work out, if this is the honeymoon stage it's not a good look.

Original poster
Wednesdaysnow · 10/01/2024 09:13

Silverbirchtwo · 10/01/2024 09:10

Don't try and reason with someone who's had too much to drink. If he's like this often it will almost certainly get worse so cut your losses now. He probably hardly remembers the things that he said after a few drinks so remonstrating afterwards will be to deaf ears. He's sitting drinking and brooding about all the things that are bad, could be bad, how your relationship isn't going to work out, if this is the honeymoon stage it's not a good look.

This is very much what he does.

He will be drinking and seemingly ok, then say something like ‘so how come you went all the way to London to meet someone but you didn’t want to meet at XXX restaurant…3 dates in’ 🙄 and it’s exhausting.

then I’ll try to defend myself a bit and it’s ‘right ok, I’m going to bed then’

and honestly, and possibly immaturely, that just gets under my skin

OP posts:
Snowfalling · 10/01/2024 09:14

You said he was lovely at the start, and now are saying he cheated on you and lied to you. come on op, he's not lovely at all. He was pretending to be nice. Are you going to tell him to move out? Because he will not change.

honeylulu · 10/01/2024 09:15

Oh dear. I started off thinking you sounded needy and a bit of a pain but your updates confirm this man is an absolute arsehole.

Jealous of you having a past and makes nasty digs at you because of it. When you are upset by that he then punishes you further by withdrawing affection and deliberately keeping you awake with loud music. Then gaslights you next day by making out you are the unreasonable one for not instantly forgiving and forgetting so that he does not need to be accountable, ever.

You may have said what you did in haste but deep down it is (or ought to be) the truth. Please follow through on ending the relationship and send him back to daddy.

StoppitRightNow · 10/01/2024 09:15

He has cocklodger written all over him.

You need to get him out. This is absolutely doomed.

StoppitRightNow · 10/01/2024 09:15

honeylulu · 10/01/2024 09:15

Oh dear. I started off thinking you sounded needy and a bit of a pain but your updates confirm this man is an absolute arsehole.

Jealous of you having a past and makes nasty digs at you because of it. When you are upset by that he then punishes you further by withdrawing affection and deliberately keeping you awake with loud music. Then gaslights you next day by making out you are the unreasonable one for not instantly forgiving and forgetting so that he does not need to be accountable, ever.

You may have said what you did in haste but deep down it is (or ought to be) the truth. Please follow through on ending the relationship and send him back to daddy.

This.

Original poster
Wednesdaysnow · 10/01/2024 09:18

Snowfalling · 10/01/2024 09:14

You said he was lovely at the start, and now are saying he cheated on you and lied to you. come on op, he's not lovely at all. He was pretending to be nice. Are you going to tell him to move out? Because he will not change.

He was!!

I found out about the lie with the women at the end of November!! He never apologised for lying just said that it wasn’t really relevant now to our relationship as it was so early.

I even said that the embarrassment of his family mentioning it to me (his family are a whole new thread) deserved an apology but he never apologises for anything.

If he does it’s veiled in ‘well I’m sorry you feel like that but XYZ’

I am not perfect but I always apologise: I even apologised last night for the way what I say came out

OP posts:
RowanMayfair · 10/01/2024 09:26

This is a really terrible relationship. Please get him out.

Nicole1111 · 10/01/2024 09:31

You’re in a toxic relationship. You need to split up and do some serious work on yourself to figure out why you are attracting the people you are, why you tolerate what you do, how your relationships then bring out toxic behaviours in you, and to try and stop that from happening in the future. I think you need to spend at least a year single with no romantic interaction with men so you can focus on yourself. I’d recommend starting some self help work you can do at home. The book overcoming low self esteem will help you with your self esteem. The book attached will help you better understand your attachment style. You can also do the freedom programme online to learn about domestic abuse. I’d also highly recommend therapy if you can afford it.

Getthethrowonthesofa · 10/01/2024 09:31

It’s clearly not working, I’m aghast though you got down on your hands and knees and begged, that’s a really odd thing to do, and I can’t really see why if he wanted to stay up he couldn’t. Yet you say you’re the one having to live by his rules. The stuff he’s done though that you’re drip feeding in, sounds awful, so the relationship can’t survive all in. It’s a mess.