Messed up - told him to leave, not sure if I actually want that

[Wednesdaysnow]

18 month relationship, live together although only for last 4 months.

Last couple of months been difficult, less sex, less communication. We had a huge row Christmas Eve and tbh I haven't really got closure on it yet he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. I feel as though it was all brushed away as it was Christmas.

Last night he made a rude short sharp comment to me. I left him to his work in the evening then asked if we can talk about it when he sat down he just rolled his eyes and said he was tired so going to bed - something Iv found he is doing more of if I want to discuss anything.

In anger and I suppose desperation to get him to speak to me, I said ‘I don’t want to be with you anymore’ he didn’t say anything but a while later text me saying I was heartless for saying that and he is furious with me and has lost respect for me, couldn’t marry someone that just gives up on a relationship because the other person is tired etc etc

Now it’s morning I can see a bit clearer, I shouldn’t have said what I said but equally I am not sure I do want to be with someone that doesn’t want to listen.

how do I approach this morning?!

You do realise this guy has a drink problem? He is a vile alcoholic and this will only get worse. Cut your losses now and take some time to be single and gain some self respect and learn what you're worth. Become what you want to attract, is this guy really what you want for the rest of your life? I settled for similar because I was worried I'd end up on my own. I wouldn't have. But if I did, it would have been better. Look around your friends and family at the good partners amongst them, they don't treat people like dirt, his behaviour is not normal.

Given the torrent of drip feeding it’s hard to see why you’ve woken up thinking you were wrong to dump him. What a spectacle. Tell him you meant it and get him out today.

Sounds like you like the idea of him or the guy he WAS back at the beginning. It is totally normal for people to show their best in the first 6 months of a relationship. You want to attract and keep your new partner. Once you start to settle the "real" you shows. For me that means I am a bit grumpier, I go to bed early, etc.. For this dude it sounds like he no longer prioritises spending time with you and is grumpy and a bad communicator. DO NOT stay hoping that he will go back to how he was in the first months as that guy wasn't real. What you have now is what he is. If that isn't what you want then take the leap and leave.

Point taken, not posted before so just answering people’s points with information.

I suppose I have already forgiven all the things Iv said about so that’s not new to me

It's absolutely pointless legislating who is Most Wrong in these kind of situations. All that matters is, is this relationship actually working?

It's not, is it?

Do not go back on your decision OP, now you have revealed further details about his behaviour he sounds absolutely dreadful: cheating, lying, cocklodging,
gaslighting you, anger issues and throwing stuff at youd head..and lm sure there's more!
Before you lived together you only saw his representative, now you are seeing the real him. Get rid and get some counselling to help you with raising your boundaries and working on your self esteem. No one should be begging their partner on hands and knees.

Absolutely this!

A good relationship makes you feel good! This one doesn't.

But before him I was independent, it is my house he moved in to

That's great news. He can move out.

You need to think about why you were settling for such a crap relationship. Even if there were nice bits it sounds like there were way too many bad bits. Were you hoping to have kids with him at any point? I swear that some women put up with shite men because they want to have a baby so badly.

You really do need to do some work on yourself if you're concerned about this dreadful relationship ending.

Take some time out and get some therapy to work out why your bar is so low it's scraping along the ground.

I don't know about you but when I'm off work at the same time as my partner and he wants to stay up past 2.30am getting pissed on his own thereby ruining any plans we might have the next day I am quite unhappy and have an opinion on his behaviour.

In fact I don't have this problem any more as I divorced my one of those but I can assure you it's soul destroying to be with someone who's idea of down time and relaxation is getting revoltingly pissed on their own until the small hours then lying farting and stinking in bed til 2pm. It's horrible.

This is not a healthy relationship, and things shouldn’t be like this this early on (or ever… but they usually manage for the first flush of joy and contentment to last longer than 4 months)

A partner should be someone you trust above all others. Feel completely safe with, that you have each others backs. Know that for each of you the needs and feelings of the other are as important as your own.

He is gaslighting you about his early affair, and making out that he is the hard done by one due to his family.

Whether you are part of the poor dynamic is immaterial: you are not happy, the relationship is unhealthy and will only get worse.

Reflect, come to a calm decision about what you want in life and a relationship, and if it isn’t this, acknowledge that you actually do want him to leave.

His furious blaming… no one needs permission to end a relationship. And it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. If it’s not the right thing it’s not the right thing.

(And he sounds a knob)

Your updates show this relationship is an utter farce. Boot your shitty boyfriend out of your home and do extensive work on your standards and self esteem. This bloke should have been dumped long ago.
Never, ever beg a man on your hands and knees. How mortifying for you. How could anyone on earth respect this?

I know you don't want to start again with someone else but if he is this bad now after 4 months, he will be wayyyy worse after 4 years/ don't waste your life on this man. He is not for you.

You were right to end it. Stick to it.

Rather than trying to communicate and resolve issues with you, he essentially, leaves you on 'read'. He walks away, he minimises, he isn't interested in your needs. Heck you even have to beg him on your knees to be decent.

And when you've finally had enough and told him you're done, you're somehow the 'unempathetic' one!?

I'd have had some choice words for him personally. In the bin with him.

Relationships should be easy. Communication should be easy. The fact that this guy could communicate well but now doesn't, is indicative that his cold behaviour is deliberate imo.

You're right to get out. Don't be pulled into his game if trying to make out you're the one with issues. Note his 'how could I marry you' ah, that's his game see. Treating you like shit till you snap then calling you the crazy one. And using it as a reason nit to marry you and make it your fault.

He's a phony and abusive into the bargain.
Tell him to do one.
Don't date men who frustrate the fuck out of you in future or 'cant' communicate. Life is too short.

Had he already slept with you before he slept with this other person at the beginning? When you were single, if someone asked you about that scenario, would you have seen it as crossing a boundary and a dumpable offence?
Look at the list of what he has done, look at what he's put you through in the last couple of months. Would your past self really have forgiven all that?
He's gaslit you for a while now, making you believe things are your fault and it's you being unreasonable. It's all him, and your begging probably shows just how much he has chipped away at your self worth. He will have you believing that he is what you deserve soon.
Stick by what came out of your mouth, though you feel like back-tracking, you really shouldn't, somehow your inner voice came through for you and was factually correct.
Lovely at the beginning, or love-bombing at the start? ( the 2nd approach is always fake). If he started off too good to be true, it's because he was. It's classic for love-bombers to move at a faster than normal commitment pace, then, either they leave or they abuse down the line. He moved in pretty early. I wouldn't generally recommend cohabitation for 2 years, it takes that long to know someone inside out and see the real person. Now you have, ditch him, no other way.

It sounds like he said whatever he needed to say to get to the point where he could move in, and now he's belittling you and trying to make you feel like you're not good enough for him, because he knows you are better than him and he doesn't want you to realise this and get rid of him.

I agree with the last paragraph - saying shit you don’t mean for a reaction is v v v immature.

I wouldn't call it immature. It's actually a very common response to stonewalling, which is a form of emotional abuse.

OP he's a nightmare. Please end the relationship. He can't communicate. You can't deal with him not communicating. It's going to get worse and worse and worse.

I mean, I don't think it is that unusual for the first maybe 12 months of living together to have arguments-but really its what happens with these ie how conflict is resolved that sets boundaries and expectations for both of you going forward if the relationship is going to work long term. DH and I have been together 20 years and believe me there were rows at the beginning!

Neither of you seem to be dealing with conflict in a positive way-it sounds like he avoids and deflects; you can't let stuff go and now have blurted out something hurtful you didn't mean to "get him to listen". Your communication styles don't sound particularly compatible and neither of you sound like you are willing to compromise and work on this to make the relationship better.

An argument still going on since Christmas Eve sounds utterly exhausting.

If you want this relationship to work (and I am not sure it is worth saving from what you have said) you both need to grow up and have a rational conversation that resolves arguments properly. Never say things that you don't mean to purposefully hurt the other. Respect the need for some space (you are still quite new to living together, you both need to adjust) and finally, crucially, if this relatively new relationship is causing this much turmoil, question whether it is worth working on at all.

I'm currently in a long distance relationship for just over a year. I have a child so moving in isn't an option for me anyway. However, I am actually glad we have to live separately, it stops us from having arguments about money, housework, mundane things like that etc. I've lived with partners before and in the end I just get sick and tired of them and how the dynamic seems to change for the worst once they have their feet under the table. I don't think your relationship is going to work living together op.

Please get rid of him.

He sounds just like my ex. I realised years after ending things with him that he was abusive. He would say stupid shit, watch me get upset and defensive before telling me I'm the problem because xyz, and if i would just be less annoying/naggy/sensitive then this wouldn't happen; then pissing off leaving me wondering wtf just happened and feeling guilty, upset and like id been through a wringer. I didn't do anything to deserve any of it. Just wondering, does he give you the silent treatment too?

Just so you know, your bf has always been like this. The mask has slipped now he's moved in and got his feet under the table. Time for him to go.

He has an alcohol problem OP.