Splitting with DP, son blames me, wants to live with dad, help :(

[duende]

Been with DP almost 20 years. We have an 11 Yr old and a 14 Yr old.
After another miserable, stressful Xmas, I realised I can't do this anymore. We were going to have counselling but I realised it was too late for me. We have been unhappy, living like housemates for years.

Main reasons - DPs extreme passivity, total lack of initiative and drive, low engagement in life. Plus moods, silent treatment, sometimes outbursts of anger over nothing.

I've always been the main breadwinner but in the last few years it's been 90% on me. He earns but very little and I've been paying for everything.

I've been working 45-50hour weeks, doing all life admin, school related stuff, activities, doctors, house renovations, contractors for bigger repairs, holidays and trips, weekend activities, planning for the future, even car related stuff.

He's been cooking, working 25 hours a week, doing small bits around the house, and some pick ups from activities.

I've felt alone, unsupported, unappreciated and like the only adult here. There's also been no intimacy or affection- I've felt no inclination I am afraid, so this is blamed on me.

Now I have decided to end it, STBX told the kids it's because I have fallen out of love and now he needs to go.

He is going to rent a flat on the same street and DS wants to go and live with him because he feels sorry for him and believes its not fair that I have fallen out of love and now his dear dad needs to go and be alone. He is devastated about the split.

What on earth do I do?
Up since 5am, devastated and heart broken.

Been putting everyone else's needs before mine and now I am the bad one. :(

I'd let him go , he'll soon realise how useless his Dad is and come home. My Dad was a bit of a Disney dad , my mum was like you , as an adult I can see it.

A split is never going to come easily to the kids. Ultimately they’re not mature enough to be expected to get it, and neither should they be.
If he’s old enough to decide he wants to live with his dad then I would let him. Just make sure he knows that this is also his home.
It doesn’t sound as if your xp is a bad person but that there are issues which make the relationship untenable. That doesn’t make you wrong, but neither is your ds wrong for wanting to live with his dad.

I know it must be really hard, but with children those ages I'd let them choose who they live with - particularly since it's so close. Your DS may change his mind once he's there...and with that distance I'm assuming you'll see him a lot regardless.

Also, and I genuinely mean this kindly... you're heartbroken and devastated, but your son is too as his world has suddenly changed, so you need to be supporting him as he didn't ask for this situation. Good luck with it!

If you divorce might you end up funding DH?
I don’t know about this stuff but maybe you should speak to a solicitor to make sure you don’t lose out in other ways too.

That was really unhelpful of your ex 🙄 blaming you for it all, of course the 14yo wants Disney dad. Not sure why your ex worked so little, but he seems like he was having it easy with you.

Do you think you could have to pay maintenance if DS goes full time to his Dad?

I imagine he will soon realise Dad is flakey.

How can he afford to rent a flat?

Agree with everyone else. Let him go but keep the door always open and remind your son everytime you see him he can stay with you whenever he wants.

If your ex earns very little and is as passive as you say I’m sure your DS will see the light and realise mums is easier and happier

I would say the son has turned into a sweet caring young man it must hurt that he wants to live with Dad but truly look on what a lovely young man he is for his reasoning.

If you'll be in the same street I think it would be fine, have him come over a couple times a week after school for a while or something if he is open to it.

I also think you need to help your children work it out in their own way, because it's devastating for them. If he feels he needs to be with his dad I would respect that. Noone can help feeling their emotions and obviously as a young teen he isn't going to see things from your perspective. He really needs his dad right now and that's OK.

I don't know about maintenance but the other DC is staying with me.

He can afford to rent the flat because I am giving him a lump sum.
He is not on the house deeds.

We are not married.

Son wants to live with him not because he thinks he will be happier there but because he thinks dad is being hard done, because I want to split. I think if my STBX took some accountability for the breakdown of the relationship, my son would feel very differently. But it's not going to happen because STBX does not take accountability for stuff in general.

Only on Xmas eve his dad was yelling at him because he "looked at him with disrespect".

I imagine once we are separated the yelling will stop as it seems to be me winding him up, sometimes by breathing.

I doubt the yelling will stop, in fact he won’t have you to blame anymore but he’ll need someone so that will likely be your son.

i would sit down with DS and explain calmly why you need to separate and confirm the door is always open and you want him to come as often as he wants and his bedroom is still there.

I suspect in time he will be back. I would still stay massively involved in DSs life with his education, hobbies etc.

Yes, I think as much as I wanted to avoid saying anything that could be interpreted as negative about his dad, I will need to give him reasons for the split.

Otherwise he will just think I am doing this horrible thing over nothing.

I am sorry you’re heartbroken. Maybe reduce the amount you’re going to give your stbx and spend some of the cash to pay for some decent therapy for you. Maybe he will step up and be a good parent. If not, your ds will hopefully see through him.

All you can really do is tell your ds’s you love them very much and that sometimes things don’t work out. That the relationship between you and his dad are a lot more complicated. That you tried very hard to sort things out between you. That you will always have love for their dad because you created two wonderful children together but some people are better people not living together. That you hope their dad will take care of them / your ds the way that you’ve looked after them all these years.

Now might be a good time to start talking about incomes and what sort of job your ds’s may want to have. You can ask questions about labour distribution in a household and how earnings are spent, talk about what is fair. In this way, you are showing them how a partnership should be whilst explaining indirectly why your life with him was incompatible with your ex doing pretty much nothing without dissing him.

Listen to what your son is saying and take it into account, but don’t give him 100% control over contact. Set something up with your ex so that your eldest son spends some time with you and with his younger brother and tell him this is the schedule and we can tweak it if you try jt and don’t like it. Maybe every weekend both kids go together to alternating parents places (so every other weekend with you). Plus on Wednesday evenings they both have dinner at yours and on Thursdays they both have dinner with their dad. Or on Wednesdays older son comes to yours for dinner and younger son goes to dad and on Thursdays they swap.

Unless they've sailed through their parent's divorce, no-one can understand have traumatic divorce is for children
Even if they are in a household with violence/shouting/silence/absence, this is a massive disruption to their lives. They will blame themselves, they will blame you, especially if you try and stop him living with his dad.
I had to live with my mother and a couple of step-fathers. I hated her, I hated them. I wanted to live with my father
Let your child make his decisions. It may not work purely on practical terms, but give him his say

I think your son’s reaction is normal and understandable. They won’t be able to see and understand your reasons for wanting to divorce now. It probably also came as a shock to them as this seems to have been a very recent decision.

Is it the 11 or the 14 years old year old who wants to live with his father?
It’s not all bad. If your ex will be living in the same street you can likely find a good arrangement going forward. Given your working hours I’d try to keep things with the ex as civil as possible so he can see the children and maintain the after school care.

Firstly you need to get into a calm headspace. You are probably terrified about this but while you are like this you have cortisolpumping around your body and your "lizard brain" is in charge.
You need to put manoeuvre your ex and play smarter. Go for the long game.

What your ex has done is highly manipulative but so far so standard. He sounds incapable of taking responsibility for much based on your description so it's not surprising it's all mummies fault, is it?

Honestly at this age you can in an age appropriate ways explain some of the realities of life.
My mum was adamant about this "I don't want to badmouth their father" stuff. It meant we all grew up with total cognitive dissonance as my mum never explained or validated our lived reality-sge pretty much denied it!?! When she first tried to leave I was adamant I wanted to stay with him full time. I was 9 he had alcohol issues and was unmedicated bipolar 🥴 On that basis if I was in the same position I'd be inclined to level with my child.

Additionally...I'd suggest you say you will take his views into account (& do so) but that your son he doesn't need to decide how it is forever now, how about you start with 50/50 shared custody and if he still feels this way in the future you can review it. You love him you want him to be happy and safe and cared for. Etc

I would let DS go stay with your ex as he will be living close by unless you have reason to believe he will put you through a nasty custody battle. But you and your ex should both come to a specific agreement that is documented about how it's to be done.

Your DS is 14 and I think at that age he is able to make a reasonable decision on who he wants to live with. Honestly if it makes DS happy and brings comfort to him during this difficult time, you should let him. If you're worried about his life imploding because of a divorce it could be a good thing. You will always be his mother that takes care of him and you have his heart, but it's also important for him to have a relationship with his father too.You're always going to be involved in his. Also it will help take the load off you a bit so you can move on with a divorce.

Though I personally wouldn't separate the boys and the ex would have to take both. When my parents split up I'm so thankful my mother always kept us together. While everything was changing around us, the one thing me and my brother always had and that was a constant in our lives were each other. Your boys will need that anchor.

Remain the grown up here, make it really clear to your son that the door will always be open. He may well 'love bomb' your dd to start with so don't be surprised if it's all fun and games at dad's house for the first few months. But he will soon tire of this and want the stability that mum gives.

Don't forget to tie up any lump sum via a solicitor (even though you're not married), and it also means that if you have one child each there will be no maintenance to pay. Don't get guilted into continuing to pay for his lifestyle.

The only thing you need to tell your DC is that you are very unhappy with their DF, and you can no longer live together. You shouldn’t discuss his failings with them - they will only run to his defence. I’m pretty sure they can see what sorbet of partner your ex is - they don’t need it spelling out and wont thank you for it.

I don’t think you should be telling your DS your side of the story- he’ll just feel more stuck in the middle than he probably already does! Let him go with his dad and make it clear that the door is always open.

You say that your other child will stay with you but won’t they spend some time with their father? In this situation surely a 50/50 split is best? He is still their father after all.

1000% this.

Do not go and tell either child “your side”. It honestly doesn’t matter to them, all they see is that their mum and dad are splitting up and living in separate houses, that’s obviously upsetting and something they need to deal with. What your ex has told them isn’t incorrect really, you have fallen out of love with him, and he is moving out. They don’t need the details, all you can/should do now is support them through the split, make things as easy as possible for them, making it a me vs him with all the details is of no benefit to the children at all.

I'm going to be that person and say don't give the ex money. If you're not married he can stand on his own two feet now and set an example to his kids.

I would let him go but I would perhaps try to put a safety framework around it:

• he shouldn't go immediately because your ex will need time to settlle into the flat and set it up: perhaps a month or two afterwards
• the initial move is a trial of 3, 6 then 12 months to see how he likes it
• he promises to come back to see you all, perhaps on set days for dinner etc

I would then bite my tongue about judgement or saying anything negative. I would be encouraging and supportive and simply be there for him to talk to if and when he feels it is not working out.

I wouldn't tell my side of the story. I would just make sure the lines of communication and love to your son are kept well and truly open.