Splitting with DP, son blames me, wants to live with dad, help :(

[duende]

Been with DP almost 20 years. We have an 11 Yr old and a 14 Yr old.
After another miserable, stressful Xmas, I realised I can't do this anymore. We were going to have counselling but I realised it was too late for me. We have been unhappy, living like housemates for years.

Main reasons - DPs extreme passivity, total lack of initiative and drive, low engagement in life. Plus moods, silent treatment, sometimes outbursts of anger over nothing.

I've always been the main breadwinner but in the last few years it's been 90% on me. He earns but very little and I've been paying for everything.

I've been working 45-50hour weeks, doing all life admin, school related stuff, activities, doctors, house renovations, contractors for bigger repairs, holidays and trips, weekend activities, planning for the future, even car related stuff.

He's been cooking, working 25 hours a week, doing small bits around the house, and some pick ups from activities.

I've felt alone, unsupported, unappreciated and like the only adult here. There's also been no intimacy or affection- I've felt no inclination I am afraid, so this is blamed on me.

Now I have decided to end it, STBX told the kids it's because I have fallen out of love and now he needs to go.

He is going to rent a flat on the same street and DS wants to go and live with him because he feels sorry for him and believes its not fair that I have fallen out of love and now his dear dad needs to go and be alone. He is devastated about the split.

What on earth do I do?
Up since 5am, devastated and heart broken.

Been putting everyone else's needs before mine and now I am the bad one. :(

Just a couple of other thoughts

• sometimes you are the 'bad one' because your love is safer - it can be easier to be angry with someone you know will always love you then someone whose love feels more fragile. It's not fair, but it can be a compliment.
• For different reasons I moved out of home for about a year when I was about 11 (nothing bad towards my parents). It did not impact my relationship with them at all, despite that fact and I only got to see them once every 3-4 weeks. Different circumstances, but I thought I'd share an example where not living together for a while when I was a child did not impact the long term relationship.

I wouldn't be paying your ex anything beyond a deposit to rent the flat for the first month. Sounds like he has had a free ride over your relationship. He needs to stand on his own two feet. I think you also need to let your DS decide who he wants to live with. Maybe he will see these issues with his dad when it is just the two of them. Yelling is not good for anyone so you are doing the right thing. Just let him know if he changes his mind he can come back. Chances are your ex will find someone else to freeload off soon.

Your son should know you don’t have to have to stay in an unhappy relationship. This knowledge will serve him well for the future. He is allowed to be happy.

I’m not saying I have got all this right, but if it is encouraging to share my experience -

I ended our marriage due to H’s behaviour. He takes a ‘woe is me’ approach so the teens do feel sorry for their sad lonely heartbroken dad, that their cold harsh mum has rejected.

I will never give my children the reasons for the marriage ending, I will never speak negatively of their dad. Not because he deserves to be protected but because of the kids feelings: they don’t need to process or have an opinion on his behaviour. And for their own self esteem. They are 50% him and I don’t want them to feel they are 50% arsehole iyswim.

Without me there facilitating their behaviour, ex has put in short bursts of effort. So they have a slightly improved relationship with him overall. They just don’t see him very often, despite his original intention to have them 50/50.

They occasionally say things about ‘in the old house’ and can see how much happier and calmer their lives are now.

I have said consistently that they have two homes now and they are 100% welcome in either home 100% of the time. So there is no pressure or guilt from me.

@duende you do have an emotional slog ahead to support your children and deal with all this yourself. However it is a million times better than staying in a terrible relationship. And it is easier than all the emotional support you have been giving whilst in that relationship. You can do this. Choose how you want to be, stay dignified, stay strong and lean on good friends and family.

Your H is a total weasel. I’d be more honest with your son. He needs the truth, not your husband’s victim bullshit version.

CrapBucket, you have made me cry, thank you.

He really is. He has never ever taken responsibility for his own actions and he doesn't even see the times when he is putting his own needs above the kids.

I could write an essay here about the ways he has let me down but I am too tired.

When my ex and I split, my DD’s initial reaction was to spend more time with her father because she was imagining him lonely and sad. Over time she realised that wasn’t the case.

Legally your son would be allowed to choose which parent to have contact with so I would advise letting your son go so he can see that dad will be ok and so that he considers returning when he sees his dad’s true nature emerge.

Definitely don’t tell the kids your side because they don’t need you manipulating their emotions too. It’s not fair that your ex is using emotional manipulation but you sound like an adult who can prioritize the kids so stay strong. It sounds like you’re definitely doing the right thing and your ex is lucky to get money from you when he wasn’t married to you.

He is old enough to be honest with. Tell him it’s not as simple as you falling out of love with his dad. Explain the reasons. The lack of support and you holding two parents role not one. Let him digest this. It’s not fair he only has one simplistic explanation to make a decision on when he is capable of understanding more.

Thank you so much. I need to keep hearing this.

Thank you! While I don't want to "slag his dad off", I think he is big enough and smart enough to be told that this was an incredibly unequal relationship for many, many years.

People now tell me that my expectations of STBX were so low , it was painful to watch.

And because I always took care of anything and not made a fuss, the kids have no idea how one sided and exhausting it was.

Theres no need to be brutal.

’ds your dad and I have grown apart - things haven’t been great for a long time and I realised they weren’t going to get better in the future. Your dads hurting right now and saying things how he sees them but I know that going forward we will all be happier once we are used to the situation’

I would say to my son that he could go back-and-forth between the houses but that his home was with his sibling.

At 14 he is old enough to understand that you have been carrying the family and that you feel it's very unequal. He will know that himself. He will know that if he needs anything he comes to you not to his dad

I'm not sure why you gave your ex a lump sum. I don't think I would've done that. he has had the same opportunities as you. In fact he has had four more opportunities because he has had a partner who is highly motivated and would have been a great support.

Did your partner refuse to marry you? If so I definitely wouldn't be giving him a lump sum.

As a child of a horrendous divorce where my brother and I were put in the middle and it was held against us for who we wanted to live with:

LET HIM GO.

None of the reasoning you gave is anything to do with your son. Keep him out of the blame game.

@duende I agree with the consensus. I presume you gave him a lump sum because otherwise he couldn't afford to move out of your house ?

How have you decided how much you’re giving him? Don’t let guilt make you screw yourself over. Was it his decision not to get married? If you have primary care of a child each you can each claim maintenance from the other - obviously better for him than you - or neither claim. Has he actually said he wants DS full time? What arrangements will get the kids spending a decent amount of time with each other? The last thing you want is their relationship getting damaged in this process.

One thing I would also watch out for is that your STXH, being passive, doesn't slot your child into the carer/helper role in his house.

My friends split was for very similar reasons and the eldest daughter felt so bad for her dad so became the defacto 'house mother' in his new home when she was there - so essentially he replaced one domestic servant for another version that was imminently more susceptible to being guilted into a form of extended servitude.

If you ask her she will tell you shes 'just being helpful' because her dad 'is heartbroken' and 'everyone needs support at a time like that' (support with ironing/cooking/cleaning/shopping/wrangling the other children when its EOW)

😡

At 14 ds effectively 'dumped' me in favour of a useless df. One who allowed drink and drugs in his home. A year on ds realised he needed an actual parent.. Moved ft with me and went nc with his df.. Soon after another ds moved ft too. Though had been seeing him less than 50/50...
Sadly you need ime for ds to see for himself and then make a choice about where he is actually best living...

Totally, I am very mindful of that and the emotional codependency of feeling responsible for his dad's happiness.

Thanks for this glimmer of hope and I am glad things improved for you.

I think giving your ex a lump sum won't stop him coming after your for more in the future and manipulating your children in the meantime.

I'd rent him a reasonable sized house for a year so firstly he has time to sort out (or not) a reasonable amount of working hours and secondly your sons don't see poor Dad in his 'awful' flat.

You can rethink gifting the lump sum at the end of the first year but I think this strategy work hugely in everyone's favour... even your ex's!

Sorry to hear this, it is very hard. Hugs OP.
Unfortunately, due to your son's age, there is very little to nothing that you can do to prevent this happening.
Your child has 2 parents and has expressed a preference to go and live with another now they are parting, that doesn't make you a bad person, you can't expect him to stop loving his father because you do.

I would let him go x

Your ex sounds manipulative, so you have to be the grown up again unfortunately.

Explain in a 14yr old friendly way why you are ending the relationship and tell him you understand him wanting to accompany his dad, and reassure him that’s fine and your home is also his home, so he’s welcomed any time.

Being on the same street is a bonus- he can pop in for dinner or other activities with you and his sibling often.

Hopefully this period will either raise his dad into a fully functioning father, or he’ll make apparent why you had to leave him and your son will return home.

I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time 💐

You let him go, remind him that at any time of the day or night he can come home to you, for an hour or a lifetime.

Don't change any of the admin related to his change of home - if the ex is fussed he can sort that himself.

Can you talk to your stbx about a common narrative that you can both use foe explaining to the kids. A common one is "we don't love each other any more".
Even if he won't agree to it, I'd just pick a phrase and use it myself. Try and make it a "we" statement ... the state of the relationship is on both of you. Not just one of you. So explain to your son "Yes it's very sad, I know you must feel sad about us breaking up but it's for the best as we don't love each other any more and we can't work it out. But we love you.both and we will.both have a home for you"

Let him find his way and ask that he does retain contact with you so dinners or overnights every week