Splitting with DP, son blames me, wants to live with dad, help :(

[duende]

Been with DP almost 20 years. We have an 11 Yr old and a 14 Yr old.
After another miserable, stressful Xmas, I realised I can't do this anymore. We were going to have counselling but I realised it was too late for me. We have been unhappy, living like housemates for years.

Main reasons - DPs extreme passivity, total lack of initiative and drive, low engagement in life. Plus moods, silent treatment, sometimes outbursts of anger over nothing.

I've always been the main breadwinner but in the last few years it's been 90% on me. He earns but very little and I've been paying for everything.

I've been working 45-50hour weeks, doing all life admin, school related stuff, activities, doctors, house renovations, contractors for bigger repairs, holidays and trips, weekend activities, planning for the future, even car related stuff.

He's been cooking, working 25 hours a week, doing small bits around the house, and some pick ups from activities.

I've felt alone, unsupported, unappreciated and like the only adult here. There's also been no intimacy or affection- I've felt no inclination I am afraid, so this is blamed on me.

Now I have decided to end it, STBX told the kids it's because I have fallen out of love and now he needs to go.

He is going to rent a flat on the same street and DS wants to go and live with him because he feels sorry for him and believes its not fair that I have fallen out of love and now his dear dad needs to go and be alone. He is devastated about the split.

What on earth do I do?
Up since 5am, devastated and heart broken.

Been putting everyone else's needs before mine and now I am the bad one. :(

I've taken the path that whilst I won't denigrate my ex, I also won't sugar coat., or artificially raise their opinion of him - he can live an die by his own actions (or rather, inactions).

My kids (a few years younger than yours when we split) were already entirely used to their dad doing nothing for or with them, so had realistic/low expectations (and honestly he's failed even to meet that bar). I remember my eldest crying at the shock when I told him (ex no-where to be seen, wanted to leave it months, but had already added his new girlfriend to the family accounts so I had to explain who this woman was to the kids somehow!), I told him that basically nothing would change, except dad wouldn't be living with us any more.

He came to me a couple of weeks later, and told me I was right, gave me a hug- and we've had no issues since (although I always wonder if some will raise their heads later)

When they're older (ie adult), if they ask then I'll tell them what happened, but otherwise, I'm just going with the flow and it seems to be working out. Hopefully you can reach a similar state OP.

I agree with PPs that it's not necessarily appropriate to talk your child about why you want a split up.

I do think it's vital that your son understands every person has the right to end a relationship.

What's the alternative? You spend the rest of your life in misery out of pity? Your life and everyone else's is more valuable.

It's important for young people to understand no one should be trapped in an unhappy relationship.

'Ds you've listened to your dad and now I need you to listen to me, as it's me who's made this big decision.
I currently am in charge of (list jobs around the home)
I'm not happy about the way dad shouts. I'm hoping that is due to the stress and that will stop once we're separated.
If you choose to go live with him, I understand why. But know that you have a key and can come home anytime. I love you both so much. I'm hoping in a year we will look back and all be happier and less stressed. I love you and your sister so much'

I'm struggling to understand why posters think explaining the whys and wherefores of the split to a 14-year-old is a good idea.
Don't do it, appalling advice.
Often as adults, we make decisions and we don't think of the consequences. Your child moving in with his dad is one of the consequences. There'll be many more. You've made the first steps.
Time to begin the rebuild and move on.

@duende

^He can afford to rent the flat because I am giving him a lump sum.
He is not on the house deeds.^

Do, please, take advice from a solicitor before you actually do this, to discover what possible future legal/financial ramification your lump sum to your partner causes. 🌹

As the pp says please take legal advice before agreeing to a lump sum etc. I am no expert, but I think you will be liable for child maintenance if either child spends more than 50% of their time there (as should all non resident parents). This could impact the amount you can afford to pay now.
When I left my now exH I was so ground down by him, that I was very close to agreeing an unfair deal until a kind friend spelt it out for me. Like you my friends had been horrified by what I had put up with
Best of luck with the dc, it is tough for everyone, but in time they will see this is best for all of you

Let him go OP. He will be back, I have no doubt. Trust the process.

Good luck with everything.

First and most importantly before you decide or do anything, see a solicitor for proper legal advice.

Let your son go live with your ex on a trial basis. Let him go with the firm understanding that as he is living with his dad, his dad will be responsible for school runs, school uniform and gym kits, laundry, cooking for him, organising transport to sports, events etc, homework supervision, doctors appointments etc etc.

You ex hasn't any intention of being a 'real dad' and he'll soon send him home when his son needs actual parenting.

I would give your son some context for the split, without trying to apportion blame. He's old enough to have the truth told to him. And then let him make up his own mind.

Your ex is casting you as the villain. You have the right to put your side of the story - and you can do this without slagging your ex off. Your son deserves to know the truth too, as long as you tell him in an appropriate way.
If after you have stated your case, your son still wants to go, then he is old enough to decide. Just make sure he knows he can come back at any time.
Also, get some legal advice. I suspect your ex is going to end with more than his fair share

a) get some legal advice about the finances before you agree to anything

b) I don't know whether the one who wants to live with your ex is the 11 year old or the 14 year old, but if you're both going to continue working the same hours, then it probably does make sense for the 11 year old to be largely with your ex in the week, because s/he is too young to be home alone and it sounds as though you'll be at work. So try to make arrangements for when you will see them in the week and at weekends. It can be frequent, since you're so close. This is entirely different from the emotional baggage of you being blamed for the split, it's a practical choice based on both parents' availabilty before and after school.

c) If you end up with any form of shared parenting, have a written agreement as to whose responsibility certain things are. School trips and forms, school uniform, medical appointments etc. Even if it's obvious to you that the parent who has the child 6 days a week (or whatever the split is) should be doing all that stuff, get it in writing.

Agree with @Summerhillsquare

I'm going to be that person and say don't give the ex money. If you're not married he can stand on his own two feet now and set an example to his kids

I don't see why you should give him a lump sum after being the one to pay for the house in the first place. Try not to give away too much. He can presumably work more if he needs the cash.