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Original poster

Husband talks about how much less I earn in argument

66 replies

MarillaAnn · 09/01/2024 00:34

Since we moved into our house, my husband has had an exercise bike in his small study room.

We also have a guest room, which I've made nice for parents when they stay.

The other day, my husband moved his exercise bike into the guest room, saying he didn't want it in his study anymore. He said that he didn't like having the exercise bike in the background on his work calls.

My first reaction was to be a bit upset, because I felt the guest room was ruined by the exercise bike. I suggested that he rearrange his study so that the exercise bike couldn't be seen on screen (there's definitely room!), and said we could alternatively discuss other arrangements and move furniture around rooms and come to a compromise together.

Then he said that he pays most of the mortgage, and he said 'and how much do you earn again?' in a slightly taunting way - knowing that i earn loads less than him. I have tried to get a promotion at work but haven't managed yet.

In the end, we came to an agreement on exercise bike. But his comment about him paying more and earning more bothered me.

Is this something that's normal to say during an argument? Do others' partners say this kind of thing?

He has said it before, and I've told him I find it dismissive of my job. It felt horrible when he said it.

OP posts:
SunRainStorm · 09/01/2024 00:38

That's not normal, it's shitty behaviour.

Apart from being a disrespectful and dickish thing to say, it's irrelevant to what you were actually disagreeing about and trying to resolve.

Does he genuinely think his higher salary makes him more important than you? That you should show him deference in all things?

Ask him.

Teasie123 · 09/01/2024 00:42

Omg, my hubby did the same! I told him that if he earned more money, I LL stay at home and cook cleaned be at his beck and call forever. Soon shut him up.🤭🤭🤭

DrFosterWentToGloucester23 · 09/01/2024 00:45

That’s a low blow. I wouldn’t be happy about that.

Bet Mr Billy Big Balls does something really important like Social Media Marketing Manager for Magical Rainbow Unicorn Co. and you do something that is far more beneficial to society (and consequently underpaid).

Tell him that as he pays most of the mortgage, he can have a bedroom all to himself from now on so he can spoon all his cash in peace.

WellFinch · 09/01/2024 00:46

Two issues

The exercise bike being in a room only used sometimes makes sense.

Being the lesser earner in a relationship, when people want to upset people they will use anything at their disposal to make that dig, know thine enemy is what my Mother used to say. So yes it was deeply unkind to bring that up because he knows it hurts you but people can and will use anything at their disposal to hurt someone if they want to and it worked didn’t it.

Lizzieregina · 09/01/2024 00:50

He’s a dick.

My DH has made ALL the money (when I was a SAHM) and generally makes 7 or 8 times more than me (I do more of the heavy lifting at home) and he has never even come close to saying something like that to me.

Mathsbabe · 09/01/2024 00:50

We are retired. When we worked our money went into a joint account and was ours.
Same in retirement. Recently DH criticised something I'd bought and claimed that I was spending his money on it. I told him how much pension he had and how much I had. He had no idea how much more income I had.

comfyshoes2022 · 09/01/2024 00:57

It’s an obnoxious thing to say in an argument, although people say obnoxious things during arguments.

Teasie123 · 09/01/2024 00:59

Very true. I'm married a long time and we all say things we shouldn't. I always tell him, he's a pain in the arse, but he's my pain in the arse.😂🖕🖕

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 09/01/2024 01:20

earning more doesn't make him a better person.
you can grow a baby and he can't.
people who resort to claiming their income makes them "right" are childish and immature.
"bring this up one more time and i'll be collecting half via my lawyer".

justanothermanicmonday1 · 09/01/2024 01:24

It would make me feel like he viewed me "less than" because of my salary and that he go the final say and is the "boss" because he earns more.

I'd nip that in the bud straight away.

LaurieStrode · 09/01/2024 01:25

Clearly there's underlying resentment there. It would be difficult to forget.

Teasie123 · 09/01/2024 01:27

Just wondering....do I both divide the chores,? The cooking and general appointments and such, who does all those? Don't answer if I'm being too nosey.🤗🤗

caringcarer · 09/01/2024 01:37

It was a mean thing to say to you especially as he knows you went for a promotion but didn't get it so you have been trying to earn more. I'd be more upset that he was moving the exercise bike into the bedroom your parents used. Does he not like your parents visiting? It sounds like he is subtly trying to make them feel less welcome.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 09/01/2024 01:41

Disgusting thing to say… if you do most of the housework I would go on silent strike - he can do his own laundry Mr oh so important

However, I do agree that a room being empty is probably better used for an exercise bike than just having as a guest room but he handled the argument badly and needs to work on communication skills

DaftyLass · 09/01/2024 02:02

What a dick! Not ok at all, he is so rude! He sounds like he's keeping score, like an opponent, not like a team mate.

rainbowsparkle28 · 09/01/2024 02:41

Vile behaviour - he clearly said it to assert his power and to insuate he is better as he is the greater earner. A genuine partner would not say this. What a lovely individual 🤨

SunRainStorm · 09/01/2024 02:55

comfyshoes2022 · 09/01/2024 00:57

It’s an obnoxious thing to say in an argument, although people say obnoxious things during arguments.

This really isn't a given. In a healthy relationship between people with decent communication skills, there is no need or desire to hurt each others feelings and point score like this.

If you're genuinely trying to resolve the dispute then they should stay on topic. It was a decision about where an exercise bike should go- it shouldn't be that heated.

RogerPoole · 09/01/2024 03:22

Consider suggesting, "How about we find a designated spot in a common area for the exercise bike, ensuring both your work calls and the aesthetics of our guest room remain undisturbed? info: This way, you can still use it conveniently, and our guests will have a comfortable space.

neleh87 · 09/01/2024 03:42

This would upset me. What a horrid and unnecessary thing to say. Especially about such a boring and unimportant thing.

Similar story. My ex paid the deposit on our flat due to an inheritance. We were mid 20s and at the start of our careers and there was no way I could have saved that amount so quickly to match the amount. One day in an argument about something I hadn't done, he said I a really snooty voice "I sometimes think you forget that I've given you £20k". Time passed but I never forgot that comment. When we split up, I didn't take half of the deposit anyway.

My point is I never spoke to him about it, it just silently festered in my brain for years. He needs to understand.

However the bike should go in the guest room. He can move it out when parents come to stay.

Shoxfordian · 09/01/2024 05:17

He clearly has no respect for you

FineMom · 09/01/2024 06:22

"bring this up one more time and i'll be collecting half via my lawyer".

👆The winning response 🤣💪

PlipPlopChoo · 09/01/2024 06:27

Well he can blur or change his background. Alternatively sit on the exercise bike and have his work chair in the background.

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 09/01/2024 06:36

God, I loathe exercise bikes. Just go to the gym or for a run or cycle your real bike on actual roads.
And yes we have one cluttering up our spare room.

Maray1967 · 09/01/2024 06:55

FineMom · 09/01/2024 06:22

"bring this up one more time and i'll be collecting half via my lawyer".

👆The winning response 🤣💪

Yes, this would be my response.

A lot of repeated crappy comments from men could be prevented if women spoke up loudly and firmly the first time - and made it clear that there will be consequences if there’s a repeat performance.

Mine has always out earned me and has never said anything like this.

HowAmYa · 09/01/2024 07:06

I think DP earns about 3x what I do. He would never ever throw that in my face!

Its incredibly nasty and designed to 'put you in your place to shut up'. There are men and women out there who wouldn't dare say something like this to the person they love. So no, this isn't something most people do!