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Original poster

Husband talks about how much less I earn in argument

66 replies

MarillaAnn · 09/01/2024 00:34

Since we moved into our house, my husband has had an exercise bike in his small study room.

We also have a guest room, which I've made nice for parents when they stay.

The other day, my husband moved his exercise bike into the guest room, saying he didn't want it in his study anymore. He said that he didn't like having the exercise bike in the background on his work calls.

My first reaction was to be a bit upset, because I felt the guest room was ruined by the exercise bike. I suggested that he rearrange his study so that the exercise bike couldn't be seen on screen (there's definitely room!), and said we could alternatively discuss other arrangements and move furniture around rooms and come to a compromise together.

Then he said that he pays most of the mortgage, and he said 'and how much do you earn again?' in a slightly taunting way - knowing that i earn loads less than him. I have tried to get a promotion at work but haven't managed yet.

In the end, we came to an agreement on exercise bike. But his comment about him paying more and earning more bothered me.

Is this something that's normal to say during an argument? Do others' partners say this kind of thing?

He has said it before, and I've told him I find it dismissive of my job. It felt horrible when he said it.

OP posts:
HowAmYa · 09/01/2024 07:09

SunRainStorm · 09/01/2024 02:55

This really isn't a given. In a healthy relationship between people with decent communication skills, there is no need or desire to hurt each others feelings and point score like this.

If you're genuinely trying to resolve the dispute then they should stay on topic. It was a decision about where an exercise bike should go- it shouldn't be that heated.

Show quote history

Absolutely agree. Having been in a toxic relationship with exh, I now can't imagine EVER saying something to purposely hurt my DP. And it's the same in return. Arguments don't happen, the odd disagreement does and it's always resolved with respectful communication.

barkymcbark · 09/01/2024 07:25

It's a dick move to say something like that and he obviously got some underlying resentment in there, or he's trying to use it to get his own way.

Can you sit down and discuss it with him when things are less stressed. I'd spell it out that him using his salary to 'win' an argument or have more control over the lifestyle is a horrid thing to do.

As for the exercise bike, I do kinda see his point, you can always move it back when you have guests

AndThatWasNY · 09/01/2024 07:27

Teasie123 · 09/01/2024 00:42

Omg, my hubby did the same! I told him that if he earned more money, I LL stay at home and cook cleaned be at his beck and call forever. Soon shut him up.🤭🤭🤭

Do it anyway. Why shouldn't you. Protect yourself. He sounds like a cunt so unlikely you will want to be married forever.

Whataretheodds · 09/01/2024 07:28

Relative earning were irrelevant to the bike question and him earning more doesn't give him a veto/casting vote in everything.

Re the bike, how often do your parents stay? Can't the bike just live there when noone is staying and move out (to his study out of sight/he blurs his background when they are staying?

NoSquirrels · 09/01/2024 07:30

I assume you don’t have children? If you were hoping to parent together, be very careful. You need to solve this prior to becoming parents as financial abuse is very common and your DH’s views on the split of household income are at the moment giving off the impression he wouldn’t act in the best interests of family but just put himself first.

Cicchetti · 09/01/2024 07:34

He's a dick. This sounds like a symptom of more concerning attitudes towards money and relationships.

CormorantStrikesBack · 09/01/2024 07:36

Horrible attitude. Smacks of him thinking he’s the boss and in charge and it’s his house. I’d be very unhappy and also reluctant to have kids with him. If you do please don’t give up work ever.

Duckingella · 09/01/2024 07:41

He may pay more towards the mortgage on the house but you're entitled to at least 50% of the equity on said house if you divorce so fuck him and his exercise bike.

Tell him to take his Billy big bollocks salary and bugger off to the gym like normal people do and sell the exercise bike as I bet he doesn't really use it.

BlueHops · 09/01/2024 10:40

Makes me mad when i read a man says that to his wife. He should understand that he needs to pay 100% of everything, and if his wife works, her money is hers to do as she wishes. He should also make sure she has time for herself - housework and looking after kids should be shared or get external help (maid, nanny).
If he cant do the above then he needs to pipe down. If he continues with his ways, ask him to marry a maid who also does baby care instead. All this malarkey about 50:50 or asking his wife to contribute to the house pot is nonsense; men should be men and take responsibility instead of acting like a teenager with a bit of cash, woman and kids on the side.

YRGAM · 09/01/2024 11:30

barkymcbark · 09/01/2024 07:25

It's a dick move to say something like that and he obviously got some underlying resentment in there, or he's trying to use it to get his own way.

Can you sit down and discuss it with him when things are less stressed. I'd spell it out that him using his salary to 'win' an argument or have more control over the lifestyle is a horrid thing to do.

As for the exercise bike, I do kinda see his point, you can always move it back when you have guests

I agree with this. He is clearly resentful about something and you need to get to the bottom of it, because that's not a normal comment in a happy relationship

ValerieVomit · 09/01/2024 11:37

WellFinch · 09/01/2024 00:46

Two issues

The exercise bike being in a room only used sometimes makes sense.

Being the lesser earner in a relationship, when people want to upset people they will use anything at their disposal to make that dig, know thine enemy is what my Mother used to say. So yes it was deeply unkind to bring that up because he knows it hurts you but people can and will use anything at their disposal to hurt someone if they want to and it worked didn’t it.

Yes it just makes him look like a wanker which I am sure he is.

WeCanLeaveTheChristmasLightsUp · 09/01/2024 11:43

I'm the higher earner (by a lot) and would never, ever use this in an argument or imagine that it gave me supreme rights over where the furniture goes. We're a partnership.

Topseyt123 · 09/01/2024 11:49

It was a dickish comment and designed to hurt.

Not normal at all. Tell him that you require a full and unreserved apology. Warn him that a repeat performance is likely to bring about the end of the relationship because it signals a total lack of respect for you.

Butterandtoast · 09/01/2024 11:58

So he think because he pays more towards the mortgage he gets to decide where a bike goes? Wtf kind of logic is that?!

He clearly thinks he's better/more important than you because he earns more. That fact he's brought it up more than once must mean it bothers him.

I couldn't be with someone who used that against me in an argument

Blu23 · 09/01/2024 12:01

It was a mean thing to say! I have not been working (thanks to my husband 😒), and he at times during arguments tends to comment on it and I just say to him "if you don't change the way you talk to me then I will be contacting a divorce lawyer and will be getting half or even more of "your" money", that shuts him up right away. Under normal circumstances he is totally fine and he does asks for my permission in every financial decision and we are quite open about it.

Spirallingdownwards · 09/01/2024 12:04

Whilst what he said was a dick thing to say I have to agree that the exercise bike should be kept in the spare room that isn't used very much rather than a home office with it on view for calls.

The compromise should be it is moved tk the spare room but could be moved out or back when someone is staying in it.

AgnesX · 09/01/2024 12:06

WellFinch · 09/01/2024 00:46

Two issues

The exercise bike being in a room only used sometimes makes sense.

Being the lesser earner in a relationship, when people want to upset people they will use anything at their disposal to make that dig, know thine enemy is what my Mother used to say. So yes it was deeply unkind to bring that up because he knows it hurts you but people can and will use anything at their disposal to hurt someone if they want to and it worked didn’t it.

It's downright nasty especially over something so trivial.

He clearly thinks that he's a big cheese and ought to be ashamed of himself.

Usernamen · 09/01/2024 12:11

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 09/01/2024 01:20

earning more doesn't make him a better person.
you can grow a baby and he can't.
people who resort to claiming their income makes them "right" are childish and immature.
"bring this up one more time and i'll be collecting half via my lawyer".

Unfortunately she would not get half his salary in the event of a divorce.

Life after divorce for the lower earner can be brutal, while the higher earner continues to earn well and gets to keep more of their salary for themselves than when married.

That’s why it’s important for married people (women especially) not to get complacent and to keep their careers.

Lovingitallnow · 09/01/2024 12:13

My poor dh would rue the day he said that to me. Every single conversation thereafter would start with honey what would you like for dinner? As the higher earned it's obviously your choice. Sweetheart what time would you like dinner? Darling can you sort the car insurance- surely it's your choice as the higher earner. Baby can you do a meal plan and shopping list, I feel budgeting should really be the remit of the one who contributes more money. Sweetie I don't think I should use the dryer anymore - it's so expensive. So I'll leave that for you. Honey id drive but I can't afford the petrol.

I'd also be tempted to turn off every light I saw, to save money, because I contribute so little.

But then I can't imagine dh saying that except in a moment of lunacy so it would be ok to take the piss out of him forever after. If I thought he meant it I'd be packing my bags. I'd need convincing to stay.

Usernamen · 09/01/2024 12:14

Maray1967 · 09/01/2024 06:55

Yes, this would be my response.

A lot of repeated crappy comments from men could be prevented if women spoke up loudly and firmly the first time - and made it clear that there will be consequences if there’s a repeat performance.

Mine has always out earned me and has never said anything like this.

Show quote history

I agree with the sentiment but that response is not factually correct. If OP divorces her disrespectful twat of a husband she would not get half of his salary after they’re divorced, unfortunately.

Quitelikeit · 09/01/2024 12:23

He might have simply not known how to get you to see sense

it is a bit ridiculous not to keep it in the spare room unless it is occupied

I wouldn’t of even asked you in the first place tbh I’d have took it in without much thought

however don’t let his belittling remarks go unchallenged

TheQueenMakersDaughter · 09/01/2024 12:24

I'm the higher earner in my relationship and the thought literally wouldn't even enter my head to say such a thing to my partner. (Were both women) She's a student and is training for a new career, she will always earn less than me. So what? We're a partnership and money isn't the only resource we bring to that partnership.

tuitui · 09/01/2024 12:29

This is not normal in a healthy relationship. Most couples dont earn the exact same amount but it doesnt mean the higher earner should have more say when making decisions.

Disagreement on where to put the bike isnt a big issue but what he said to you hurts!

pinkyredrose · 09/01/2024 12:34

Does he think that him earning more make it more his house than your house?

Rosiem2808 · 09/01/2024 12:38

OP Your marriage is an equal partnership. In saying what he said he crossed a line. He more or less told you he sees you as second in line to him and that for me would be a red flag not to forget

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