Husband talks about how much less I earn in argument

[MarillaAnn]

Since we moved into our house, my husband has had an exercise bike in his small study room.

We also have a guest room, which I've made nice for parents when they stay.

The other day, my husband moved his exercise bike into the guest room, saying he didn't want it in his study anymore. He said that he didn't like having the exercise bike in the background on his work calls.

My first reaction was to be a bit upset, because I felt the guest room was ruined by the exercise bike. I suggested that he rearrange his study so that the exercise bike couldn't be seen on screen (there's definitely room!), and said we could alternatively discuss other arrangements and move furniture around rooms and come to a compromise together.

Then he said that he pays most of the mortgage, and he said 'and how much do you earn again?' in a slightly taunting way - knowing that i earn loads less than him. I have tried to get a promotion at work but haven't managed yet.

In the end, we came to an agreement on exercise bike. But his comment about him paying more and earning more bothered me.

Is this something that's normal to say during an argument? Do others' partners say this kind of thing?

He has said it before, and I've told him I find it dismissive of my job. It felt horrible when he said it.

Do you have kids? because if not, don't have them with this creep, and think about leaving.

DH has done the same a few times, but not for several years (together since 2010). Just now he earns about 70% of our total income. At that time, his underlying message was that he would be absolutely fine without me, and it was a point in our lives where there was a great deal of uncertainty about both of our jobs, which also influence which country we live in. I've also wondered if it was a way of having a dig as I work in a field that is traditionally not well paid whereas he is a global executive with a salary to match, but my academic qualifications far exceed his. When he is stressed there are familiar behaviour patterns and these tend to sort themselves out so we wait out the storm and I don't bother to take it personally. He's come a long way in the last decade so I think we can weather a few more!

White middle-class men putting down others for not earning as much - they clearly think they got to where they are on their own merit.

Yes that was pretty mean and a low blow of him to say that. I wonder if there are other ways he seems to act where he thinks you are beneath him?

He's a dick for saying what he did in clearly the heat of the moment. The real question is does he mean it? Does he allude to this opinion a lot? Or was this a one-off

And.. to be 'upset' about moving an exercise bike in to an unused room is ridiculous. It makes sense and I'd be quite annoyed if my partner was being this controlling over where I put my belongings in my own house

I think it's insane to have an exercise bike in your office because you want a showroom guestroom

The mean comment aside, it is silly to not keep the exercise bike in the spare room and move it to the study when your parents stay over. An underused room is a waste of space. Compromise is the key here

The exercise bike should be in the guest room, not an office that's used daily. Your reasoning doesn't make sense.

Do you regularly make a fuss about things like that? If you do then I'd have snapped too. If I'm paying for a house then I want to be able to use it, especially a room that's a 'guest room'.

I get his point. He said it in a clumsy and ugly way but essentially maybe if you had a more demanding job you would understand why it's best if possible to not have your office cluttered with crap.

And in your case, it is possible.

His comment was mean. My DH earns more and paid 100% of the deposit on our house. He's never used it against me.

That being said, I can see his point about the bike. We had a guest room at our old house that was perfect for guests .... and was used about 8-10 weekends a year.

During lockdown I had to squeeze a desk in there and realised I'd been wasting a huge amount of space in our house. We replaced the bed with a loaf bed in a button (see pics). I added a Malm desk filled with makeup and skincare, got a fancy chair, added some shelves and some drawers. It turned into my getting ready room/ office and with the bed tucked away, I had floor space to exercise whenever I had the odd bit of motivation. When it was done I was so annoyed that I had wasted all those years with a guest room.

No it's not normal to say that and the only people that do are dicks.

I'm a firm believer that what people say out loud is indicative of how they really feel and where their mind is at. They might try to backtrack and say they didn't mean it or they were trying to wind you up, but there's usually some truth in their words. If they said it they had to have thought it at some point.

Does he seem to resent that he pays more of the mortgage that you do? Has that caused any problems? He may be unhappy about that. Some people are like that, they never want to be the one that's doing more than the other person when it comes to shared responsibilities.

Thanks all. Most of you are saying that what he said isn't a normal thing to say in an argument. That's seems true to me, and helps to explain why I'm feeling off about it.

Some of you suggested that I explain to him that it's not on. The disheartening thing is that I've explained that before, and he had promised not to be disparaging about my job again.

Just to clarify - I can understand why some would think it makes total sense to have the bike in the guest room if it's a room that's hardly used. The thing is, we both have our wardrobes in there, and I sometimes sleep in there if we're on different schedules (or if one of us is ill - or snoring!). So we are in and out of it a lot.

I am interested in interior decor but I don't think I'm particularly fussy. For example, my husband keeps his road bike in the corner of our living room, because it's easier than taking it through to the back yard. I have never commented and I don't particularly mind it being there, if it's tucked neatly against the wall.

When people know they are losing the argument/ don’t have a leg to stand on they go for a low blow to deflect from their position

When the dust settles you need to ask him ‘ if I earn less than you do lose that mean I am
less than you?’
his answer will tell you all you need to know

Now that you both have calmed down, sit down and have a conversation at adults. Let him know how it made you feel and explore where that may have came from. Maybe it's time to look at how you are dividing finances, maybe he's resentful? And agree, get the bike out of his study.

I would literally tell him that, if he makes such a low blow again, he can fuck off and take his exercise bike with him.

I don't see why it can't be in the room he works in. He can use a background, blur it or put the bike on the other side of the screen.

I currently have an actively in use litter tray in my workspace, complete with cat! Dreading the day he takes a shit during a meeting!!!

Don't let him away with that - tell him much it hurts. Ask him if he thinks he is worth more than you are. He's a prick to get so worked out over something so trivial. Does he often insist on getting his own way?

Nah wouldn't accept that