How to compromise when dating

[lula99]

Currently long term single and have been told my standards might be too high! I’m reconsidering what my deal breakers are and what I am looking for in a partner.
Does the person you are with (LTR or married to) match the person you envisaged being with? Or did you make small concessions? What sort of things did you compromise on and did they turn out to not matter in the grand scheme of things?

I now compromise on height

But you shouldn't compromise on connection and someone who treats you well and is a good match for you. People
Who tell you you are too picky are probably in boring relationships that don't fulfill them

Anyone who is telling you that you are being too picky has settled for a bloke they aren’t into and want you to be miserable as well.

Nothing wrong with too picky.

I wanted a handsome, successful, intelligent, kind man who was ‘my type’ and I got one. I achieved this by- not ‘compromising’. Had I gave men who didn’t tick all my boxes a chance, I’d have missed out on my wonderful husband.

It might not have happened, but it did. Compromising might have meant that I got a wedding and kids- but Christ, I wouldn’t be as happy and satisfied as I am now.

Well it really depends on what you're looking for.

If your standards are must be 6'2"; must drive a certain car and must earn a 6 figure salary, you can probably afford to compromise on some of those.

It depends on what you are looking for and what is important to you.

Thanks for your messages.
I’m looking for someone in their thirties, 5ft10 or above, intelligent, considerate, calm, with a good sense of humour. I would like them to have a good job and be quite an independent/driven person.
I’m saying this as a 31 year old professional, with my own place, I’m sporty, love to travel and have adventures. Always open to trying new things, a good cook, and I have good values.

Some have said my standards are too high. Some have said it’s just a numbers game (especially OLD).

I’ve been told my standards are too high also which is ridiculous imo. I insist upon good grammar, intelligence, humour, and being good company. I also won’t date anyone who doesn’t have a decent job. I compromise a lot on looks. I don’t find them important and as I get to know a person, I find their appearance more appealing. I don’t give a shit about height either or anything else like that.

That's absolutely fine and similar to my criteria

I'm guessing you're not very tall kitty? I am and feel awkward on a date with a man much shorter than me

I’d compromise on height if I were you - in my anecdotal but extensive experience, shorter men tend to be better in bed. Maybe the testosterone is more concentrated or something 😁DP is 5’9 and sex on legs. ExH was 6’4 and very blah in the bedroom. Make of that what you will…

Don’t compromise on other stuff, but I’d recommend giving a shorter guy who ticks all your other boxes a shot - you may be pleasantly surprised.

I compromised, although it didn’t feel like a compromise, more like understanding that that my initial dealbreakers were a bit random and didn’t say anything about a person. Spelling mistakes were a dealbreaker for me, and I wanted someone who has a university degree or similar. DH is dyslexic so his spelling can be terrible and he works in a trade. Turned out that these weren’t that important after all for my relationship to work.

I’m 5.9. Guy I’m dating is 5.7. Yeah, if I got to choose, I’d like for him to be a bit taller but does it matter? We spend most of our time in bed anyway and I don’t notice it so much then…

Certainly seems to be the case with my new man who is 5.7. We went to bed together the other night at about 9pm and the next time I looked at my phone it was 2am. I think it was the longest I’ve ever been in my life without looking at my phone.

There are plenty of men who are 5'10" or over, so while you might be narrowing the field, it shouldn't have too awful an effect on what men are there. Having said that, it really isn't as important as other aspects such as values and personality, so while it might be desirable, it probably shouldn't be a deal breaker.

I don't think you should co promise on things like shared values, though. It's better being single. There are decent men our there - they can just take a lot of finding.

@KitsyWitsy I love this for you !! Excellent I'm glad you're having fun and good info to talk awkward women like me to take a leaf out of your book - absolutely accurate that height doesn't matter when you're lying down!

• inspo to take, not info to talk

• tall not talk sorry what a messy illegible post from me!

Basically, you go girl @KitsyWitsy x

I didn't have a checklist when I met DH - I just fancied him and liked him as a person. Sometimes you can meet someone and the hormones kick in and your list of prerequisites goes out the window.
You might meet some who ticks all the boxes but they're not actually a nice person or they're dull or whatever. You might meet someone who doesn't tick all the boxes but they're the kindest soul you've ever met.
I'd say keep your checklist in mind but don't be too rigid.
Me and DH are opposites. He's an adrenalin junkie, very confident, very driven and very adventurous. I'm quiet and shy and perhaps not the most adventurous person. However, we work really well. He forces me out of my comfort zone and encourages me to have adventures (which I've loved!) and I calm him down a little and keep his feet on the ground. Before we met we both thought we'd have been more suited to someone like ourselves but actually getting together with someone different has worked out perfectly.

The only thing I've really compromised on is time taken to meet the right man. I could have been married with kids years ago but it was just never quite the right person or the right situation until now.

None of what you say is too picky at all. If you click with someone, you share values, have substantive things to talk about and attraction then it's worth waiting for.

Don't try and 'make it fit' with someone who seems nice enough but doesn't interest you. Well, I mean you can do. It's one option but accept that for what it is rather be that expecting things to be perfect.

Not sure if it's compromising but I would widen my age and height parameters on OLD a tiny bit even if you don't swipe most of the slightly shorter guys. I understand as I am quite broad rather than very tall but felt awkward dating slight men but there may be someone who sounds great for whom it won't matter that he's 5'9 not 5'10.

Well I never had an expectations or envisioned my long term partner? There's no magical perfect one person for you. We just met and got on, and we work hard after 12 years. Maybe try broadening your search and see who comes along. My DH is massively into sport, and if you told me when I was younger I'd have a husband mad into sport I would never have believed. But it works.

I love this sort of question as we're all guilty of believing we deserve the best, and we all believe that person is out there...

Base your expectations on statistics, although it's depressing. Very roughly:

70 million people in the UK
35 million men
5 million say within your age range
1 million unmarried
200k attractive to you
100k without kids
50k acceptable earning bracket
10k nice personality
100 local to you
80 not gay...

Then you have to factor in competition with other women, other elimination factors (politics, religion, desire for children...), chance of meeting them...

I think you need to feel the connection and give people a chance to feel the right energy. It’s worth giving different people a chance and try not to write people off for height, jobs etc Everyone wants to find a nice guy with the spark and you shouldn’t settle. But I’m in my early 40s and the problem with dating is men my age want to date a 20 year old to show off and men who are 20/30’s want to date older women! This whole MILF thing gives me the ick but it makes it hard to date your own age

Dating a guy who is close to your height (slightly shorter/taller) can be ok as long as they're not desperately insecure about it. I've dated men who, even though they were a bit taller than me, got stroppy if I wore heels so I was slightly taller than them. Other men don't care which is actually kind of a turn on that they're secure in themselves about something no one can help or change.

I found i needed to compromise on that instant attraction thing. If they are non weird, communicate clearly and honestly then I would give them at least 4 dates to see if a connection develops. Basically I didn’t fancy current dp at all the first 3 times I met him, but thought he seemed nice - now 18+ months in I fancy the pants off him. Forget pretty much anything about physical appearance. Attraction can grow in very surprising ways.

Intelligent, independent and considerate are very reasonable criteria, given how you’re described yourself and that you’re (I guess) looking for something that has potential to last. I’d compromise on height. You can’t force attraction but you can give it a chance at least. I know several excellent men who would meet all your criteria except height.

I had a very strict criteria of no smokers when I was OLD. Night before I met up with DP for the first time, I realised he smoked - Id completely missed it. Nearly didn't go. We get married later this year. Yes, I'd rather he didn't smoke but apparently my deal breaker wasn't actually one at all when faced with a kind, funny man who shared the same values with the most lovely twinkle in his eye!