How to compromise when dating

[lula99]

Currently long term single and have been told my standards might be too high! I’m reconsidering what my deal breakers are and what I am looking for in a partner.
Does the person you are with (LTR or married to) match the person you envisaged being with? Or did you make small concessions? What sort of things did you compromise on and did they turn out to not matter in the grand scheme of things?

This depends entirely on how much you like being single.

I love being single, really enjoy it.

So I have no desire to compromise on anything.

Whether it's shallow or not is entirely my choice. Atm I'd rather be single than eg go out with anything less than a man who ticks all my boxes. So it's really odd when someone says 'but you might be missing out on x by that'. Well, yes, I might be, and I am 💯 happy with that.

I agree with this. I also like being single and if I meet someone they have to make my good life even better for it to be worth it so I have quite strict parameters on my OLD profile. I have only really compromised on one thing and that's distance from where I live. I used to have a really tight one (like a couple of miles radius), now it's more like 4 miles. I don't really want to date anyone further away than that. I live centrally in a European city and if they are not on the metro line I know I won't be bothered to use multiple forms of transport (have no car) to see them after work on a Tuesday for example.

My ex lives a 2 minute walk away and that was ideal, even if he wasn't.

Totally agree. I tried OLD but realised that my single life with my friends will always come first and anyone I meet would have to fit in around the rest of my life and right now I’m not in a position to compromise on that.

If I met someone who I really felt a connection with maybe I’d feel different but it would take someone who ticked all my boxes and I’m not sure they exist.

@EBearhug

"There are plenty of men who are 5'10" or over, so while you might be narrowing the field, it shouldn't have too awful an effect on what men are there"

+++

5'10" is also he average height of men in the UK. So if you rule out anyone shorter than that then you are ruling out 50% of men.

The only thing I wouldn't compromise on would be career. I do not and never have found males who work in offices attractive. In fact, I'd probably reject a man who wore a shirt & tie to work because I just don't find it attractive. You've got to be attracted to each other before any of the feelings even get going. Height etc arnt particularly important to me but then it's difficult not to be taller than me!

I compromised on height and teeth! My DP is 5,9 and I am 5,7 so he is basically the same height as me and he has dreadful teeth. They are as a result of a genetic condition so not his fault but they look awful. I did have to squint inside my own head not to see them for the first couple of months but a year on I don't even notice anymore. He is utterly gorgeous to me. He is funny, interesting, endlessly kind and caring, loving, fab in bed, great with my DD and Ddog, fun, organised, giving, romantic... I am smitten.

I'd say lower your standards but maintain your boundaries. He has never come even close to twanging a single one of my warning bells around boundaries. It's a very safe and cared for feeling!

I guess that I compromised on a couple of things that people on here would consider too important to compromise on.

I met DH on online dating (long time ago, different kettle of fish to what it is now). He moved quite quickly from texting to talking and meeting and so I did not get to see that his grammar is quite appalling. That would have been a deal breaker for me at the time, had I known.

DH is also not in a professional job, and I would have probably had that on my list. - He was in such a job for about 18 months when our eldest DS was born and hated it. Other than that, he has generally been self-employed in a trade and since our youngest was born has been the SAHP and is currently building our house. He is probably unemployable now TBH, he could not work to a set routine or take instructions or orders (yes we do argue about this at times, when I want certain things prioritised and he disagrees)!!!

His grammar and literacy issues are due to educational issues when he was young and (probably) dysphonic dyslexia - we now live overseas and he CANNOT learn the language beyond a few basic pleasantries and even those he pronounces terribly and literally cannot hear the difference between what he says and what the word actually is. But he is without question one of the most well-informed, intelligent people I have ever met, and a super hands on dad who did all of the things that I loathed about parenting younger children (so contributed more than a professional salary in saved nursery fees) and I am so glad that I "compromised" on these things that I did think were important way back when.

I think you have to put your wishes into two categories - primary and secondary.

Primary stuff (for me!) is non negotiable stuff like character - has to be honest, have integrity, treat me (and others) respectfully and kindly.

Secondary stuff is 5ft 10 or 5ft 9, dark hair or blonde hair? The stuff that in general is irrelevant to who they are as a person. Obviously you have to be attracted to them but if you (for example) do OLD searches specifically only looking for dark hair and green eyes, you might miss out on something great.

I was with someone for 3 years who ticked all the boxes looks-wise (I fancied him SO much) but it took me a long time to realise he wasn't actually that nice and oh, all those 'white lies' he told were an indicator he found it easy to lie about much, much bigger stuff. I was blinded by how much I fancied him.

For me now, it's character first and then see if physical attraction follows.

5'10" is also he average height of men in the UK. So if you rule out anyone shorter than that then you are ruling out 50% of men.

You do need some filters, be it age, distance, whatever else. I'm ruling out way more than 50% of men's profiles on OLD. It would be unmanageable if I didn't, but also, it's not unreasonable to have some standards.

I'm not actually that bothered about height myself, but if someone is, that's their choice.

Oh no

I think it’s personal choice. Maybe they could be slightly shorter than you. I think it’s important to have attraction. Sometimes that takes a few dates to realise who the person is. Morals, values connection are huge but you won’t know them at first. I would say personality type can be compromised on as long as you understand each other and are not overwhelmed by a personality.

Don't compromise on values and character. Don't compromise on wanting someone who has at least equal to you in terms of income and assets. But most of all if you meet someone who fits your wish list, take a few years to get to know them because we are all on our best behaviour in the early years and keen to put on a good show. The only thing that will show who someone truly is is the passage of time.

If anything, things line up better lying down if you’re both a similar height 😜

Girth is more important than length

Just saying

Thanks for all your helpful messages! Good to know the values/characteristics I’m looking for are okay and that’s something I do and will prioritise going forward.
This all came about because I had a date with someone (who I was unsure about but was going to see again to get to know them and see if it was nerves ect). They said they were very keen to do something again. We arranged to meet the next evening. He then said he was ill but would see if he felt better before the evening. Never got back to me about that evening (Saturday). Asked me on the Sunday when I was free, I suggested Tuesday. He said works if he is feeling better by then. It’s Tuesday today and he has still not confirmed, but told me he went to his pub quiz last night.
I ended things and said I found his behaviour as above inconsiderate and that I had assumed he wasn’t interested so wished him the best.
He then was sending all upset messages saying he is keen and was just ill, still wants to see me. It’s given me the ick but seems like a character trait issue.
Maybe someone a little more laid back or with less of a schedule wouldn’t mind but hey! Disappointing though.

I think it's better for a LTR if you actually DONT have super sparks/amazing chemistry/soul mate/most gorgeous bloke ever type stuff going on at the beginning.

Then you get a clear mind to actually focus on what will become the important stuff.

OLD seems to be full of these people. They are just keeping lots of people on the go, appearing and disappearing so they keep people hooked because it's random and that's what gets our brains interested. That's why people gamble. Lots of psychology about it. You did well to get rid.

Op - you were absolutely right to get rid of op. That's a very low bar to start compromising from otherwise! Firstly, he was probably lying about being ill. Secondly, on the sliver of a chance he was telling the truth, to go out to a pub quiz, tell you and then tell you he might still be too ill - he is either thick as mince or incredibly rude. Neither I would have thought you would consider 'compromising' on - surely that's base level courtesy.

Yep OP he’s flaky. OLD full of them unfortunately.

I would bet money you’re not the only one he’s arranging dates with and rather than being ill he’s had other offers and keeping you sweet while he decides who to pursue.

Best thing is to bin this one

I think you’ve fond the right thing! Too sick to meet you but not to go to a pub quiz! Absolutely no!! I will only date someone who sticks to plans! I don’t want to be let down and they seem to not even notice

I'm curious exactly who is telling you your standards are too high?

The example you have given doesn't come into the list you've got I don't think- turn up on time, not be flaky and only one pass at cancelling is absolutely basic stuff.

The other things- I would also not care too much about height as I've fancied some good-looking shorter men. The point about it's fine to discount 50% of men, of course it is if height is something you couldn't get over, but if you want to find someone available, intelligent, funny, good looking, in your area, interested in you etc etc, then it makes sense to keep fairly trivial things out of it unless it's something you know wouldn't work for you.

It's possible to be open-minded to men who don't necessarily tick all your boxes on paper, but without compromising.

You shouldn't compromise on how you feel, basically. Being attracted to him, liking him as a person, having compatible values and outlooks on life, having sexual chemistry, being treated how you want to be treated - these things are non-negotiable for however you feel as an individual (which may be completely different to what the next woman feels).

Other things are more superficial and you may be surprised though. Things like hair colour, height, profession. I have a specific ideal physical type but I've learned over the years that attraction can be quite unpredictable and it's sometimes taken me very far away from that type. I've never really understood why height is so important to some women, it usually seems like the root of it isn't actually the man himself but that they feel larger next to him. Which means the problem is their own insecurity, not his height.

3 Uni friends, all been with their partners since late teens/early 20s.

Having said that it's worth being open-minded, I should also say you don't need to be at all, if you don't want. You don't need to compromise on a single thing and you can date/not date anyone for whatever reasons you like, or no reason at all (as long as you're diplomatic when it comes to telling them, if they've done nothing wrong). Because being long-term single is actually fine.