I am so ashamed

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I have name changed for this.

My husband left about 7 weeks ago. Checked out and left me and three DC (13, 7, 5). Things had been bad for a while - he is a workaholic and probably an alcoholic (won't admit to that). He was rarely present for the kids.

I work 4 days and always did 99% of stuff for kids etc, at least over the last year when things were bad.

But ....when I say he has checked out, he really has. Hasn't seen the kids, doesn't appear to want to but I have made it clear that he can and of course I want him to. Nothing. The kids are all struggling in their own ways and we limped through Xmas.

I am numb. And haven't told people because I feel inexplicably ashamed. I don't know why, but there is deep and irrational shame. Also a sense that if I tell the wider world, it will all come crumbling down.

Kids are back at school this week. I have to tell their teachers don't I? My youngest in particular has been anxious and struggling to sleep and her teacher knows there is something I think. He has asked for a meeting.

How do I start telling people?

The shame should not be yours, it should be his.

Yes, you absolutely need to tell their teachers. They don’t need any detail, just that he’s left and how it’s affecting the kids.

For other people, would it be easier to text? Could you pick someone to text tonight, get one out of the way, the first will probably be the hardest.

I’m sorry, this is so tough but he should be the one that’s ashamed. If you can’t face speaking to people, then message / email, whatever you prefer, tell them he’s gone, you’re obviously devastated but you don’t want to talk about it right now. Email the school as well - you don’t have to actually go in if you don’t want to.

@NewYearNewCalendar yes, I think maybe a message to a couple of friends would be best. I just don't know where to start and it's almost like it's not real yet as I haven't told anyone. I need to start.

I will need to tell teachers as it's not fair on the kids not too, I just feel so ridiculously pathetic and ashamed of the whole mess. I don't want them to judge me for placing my kids in the middle of this shit show.

Think of it as taking away the gossip factor. It's better to hear it factually from you than the sorts of rubbish half truths can create. Even the teacher, your DD has probably said or implied something. Who knows what he may be thinking? 2 + 2 can sometimes make 5! People's imaginations can go wild.

I would be clear that he left you. That it's been a shock for all of you. And you'd appreciate any support the schools can offer your kids. Speak to form tutor of secondary child. A phonecall is fine.

I guarantee anyone you tell will not be judging you at all. They will not be assuming anything of you. They will be seeing him for the coward and loser he is. They will be judging him and rightly so. Hold your head high. You have done nothing wrong and I can promise you time will tell everything. Your kids and everyone around you will know it's you who is supporting your children and being a great parent. He has lost out. Your kids are going to know how loved they are because of you.

I say this as the child in this situation once upon a time X

It's absolutely nothing for you to ashamed of;the shame is all his.

He has chosen to put himself ahead of the needs of his children.

A man who wasn't really anything to you and your children isn't really a great loss.Your children have you and know you're there for them.

The thing you need to concentrate on is making sure you and the children are receiving all you are entitled to.

Have you seen a solicitor yet?

@Odiebay I am very sorry to hear that you went through this as a child. It is just horrible - for a child to feel they aren't worthy or good enough in some way. Not even for a visit. I am so angry, despite the shame, so angry.

Oh OP, you have absolutely no reason to feel ashamed. Nobody will judge you. I guarantee they will be judging him for upping and leaving his family without a care in the world.

That’s on his shoulders not yours. You are the one looking after everything and everyone. I think the thought of telling people is frightening because once people know it becomes real. But…..it’s once people know that they can begin to support you and your children. 💐

@Duckingella not seen a solicitor yet, no. We own the house jointly, there is a lot to unravel. He has paid nothing since he left.

It wasn't always like this. That's what makes it so hard.

There is no shame on your part
I'm so sorry you're going through that. On a practical note and you probably have but have you seen what help you may be entitled to from the government? Council tax etc
Best of luck and have a phone call with the school if you don't feel you can go in 🌺

Sorry cross posted x

You've done nothing shameful so please don't feel that way.

I think you will feel better when you start letting people know and can start moving on. Just say he has left the marital home and has nc at the moment with the DCs.

You will have support from people who will think he should be ashamed of himself. Not you!

Be brave and start letting the school know tomorrow and a couple of people close to you 💐

@MrsKarlUrban thanks. I earn enough to just about get us by for now without any input from him in terms of mortgage, bills, food, but it will be a bit tight and am not sure how I will pay solicitors fees on top of all other outgoings.

I was in a very similar position with 3 young children .
Please go and see a solicitor and take advice about urgent things that need to be done to protect you and the children . This gave me back some control .
Please Tell the school , they will help the children so much . Knowing they were an extra pair of eyes looking out for the children was very reassuring .
Choose a couple of people that you trust to tell. Keep it very simple ‘I have some difficult news . Ex is no longer living with the family . I can’t share any more information than that but the children and I may appreciate some support. Please could you tell x,y, z on my behalf. I’m sorry I can’t share any more details than that at the moment ‘
It is a most awful thing to go thru . I promise it gets better but make sure you look after yourself as you will have hurdles to cross . But things do settle down .

Shame is 100% on your husband. Not that it matters but I very much doubt that any woman on this planet would judge you negatively... I am so sorry you and your DC are going through this...you all deserve so much better. I hope you can move through the initial shock to a place of anger, action and resolution 💐

Schools are completely used to this type of phone call. All they want is for you and the student to be safe. They will have a procedure to follow and they will support you. Nothing to be ashamed of on your part. You can do this.

No one will judge you! You will be surprised how supportive and understand people are. I'm so sorry OP X

My Husband left me and our 5 kids. I never told anyone myself. After about 2 years I told a friend. Then I told another friend. In the last 6 years I myself must have only told 3 people. Ofcourse people know but no one has ever mentioned anything in front of me.
Just a couple of weeks ago I told my Daughter's Teacher after Daughter was having some trouble at School. " oh they don't look as if they don't have a dad" I was shocked to hear she would say that. I felt like saying are you going to label them now. Or were they meant to have a sign on their heads.
It's totally your right if you don't feel you are ready to tell anyone yet. You can tell them when you are ready.

Understandable that you wanted to stay in your cocoon to get through Christmas. I think @Celynfour 's suggested message is a really good one - gets the info out whilst hoping shutting down questions. If I got that message, my only response would be 'tell me how I can help'. I think you will feel oddly better when it's done.

Wishing you all the best for the next few weeks and months ahead. If he's in active alcoholism it's probably better for the children that they don't see him.

He should be ashamed. He’s an appalling man.

I think you need to be careful not to model feelings of shame for your children - hard as that is. You implying that there is some shame feeds into the ‘im not good enough’. School can you help you, please reach out. Sounds like you are doing absolutely brilliantly without him so sending you solidarity and respect - it will be ok x

I'm sorry op. I escapade domestic abuse. It's almost 10 years on. I am only recently managing to leave the shame behind.

Oh sweetheart

you need to tell everyone

a dad just offing is major for the kids alone
their stability will be hugely impacted

and then the impact on you

tell people
school , work , family , friends
let people help you x

and turn that shame into righteous anger x

Please do not feel ashamed. Your DH has made choices and is neglecting his DC.

Good friends will be supportive of you and the DC. Remember 50% of marriages break down so they will have been through it themselves or with other friends. Let them help you in ways you feel comfortable with.

It's best for your children's and your wellbeing if you access all the support (and love) available to you in this really difficult situation by telling people imo, otherwise youd add a 'secret' to your woes. 💐

Meant to be 100% clear you have NO REASON whatsoever to be ashamed