I am so ashamed

[Changechangechange83]

I have name changed for this.

My husband left about 7 weeks ago. Checked out and left me and three DC (13, 7, 5). Things had been bad for a while - he is a workaholic and probably an alcoholic (won't admit to that). He was rarely present for the kids.

I work 4 days and always did 99% of stuff for kids etc, at least over the last year when things were bad.

But ....when I say he has checked out, he really has. Hasn't seen the kids, doesn't appear to want to but I have made it clear that he can and of course I want him to. Nothing. The kids are all struggling in their own ways and we limped through Xmas.

I am numb. And haven't told people because I feel inexplicably ashamed. I don't know why, but there is deep and irrational shame. Also a sense that if I tell the wider world, it will all come crumbling down.

Kids are back at school this week. I have to tell their teachers don't I? My youngest in particular has been anxious and struggling to sleep and her teacher knows there is something I think. He has asked for a meeting.

How do I start telling people?

Op. Ss everyone said there is nothing to feel shame about. It’s really better to get it out there, normalise it for the kids, and make it clear it’s nothing to be ashamed about, don’t even use the words shame.

text family and friends, all you need to say if you’ve split up and he’s moved out.

When I was a teenager, my best friend came back to school after the Christmas holidays and was a really different person- introverted, quiet, didn't have much to say. We always walked home from school together and regularly went to each other's house in the evenings to do homework. She stopped any of us going to her house. Her sister was the same- 2 years older than us.
Her dad worked abroad a lot, in Finland, and often wasn't there. After a few months she began to ask us round again. Her mam, who was a big personality, looked terrible. She'd lost a lot of weight, and looked exhausted, was very quiet.
One night when I was there her mam said they wanted to tell me something and it was that her dad was having an affair with a woman in Finland and had been for a number of years. They had found out at Christmas and he wasn't living there anymore. He'd got a place in Finland with the woman. By then it was summer term and they hadn't told anyone (apart from her mam's sister) all that time because they were just so ashamed.
I remember how sad I felt for them that they felt so ashamed. They'd done nothing wrong. They began to tell people and she said she felt so relieved because everyone was so nice and supportive. I still think about it. I think she and her sister were really worried about their mam who had a breakdown of sorts and they just kept it to themselves and kept going. They were 15 and 17 at the time. We would have helped, our parents would have helped.
Her dad (who was actually a very decent, nice person who'd done something very stupid) came back full of regret but her mam never took him back although they were on reasonable terms.
Eventually, when we were adults, her mam married again- a man nowhere near as nice a person as her dad but he has never cheated on her. Her dad has never had another partner- almost 30 years now. He lives in a flat by himself and sees his daughters a lot. They see much less of their mam which is also sad but her second husband doesn't encourage seeing them.

You have nothing to feel ashamed of OP. No one will think less of you. You deserve support and people will want to support you and your DC.

The shame is on him. To have not been in regular contact with the kids is totally unforgivable. What a cretin. How DARE he do that to them.
You are a warrior woman to them and you'll get through this and out the other side better.
Lean on your friends and family and each other

Please don't feel anxious about telling your kids teachers - they won't judge you and will just want to help your children through this difficult time. Teachers are human too and go through break ups and all the same family problems as everyone else. Start by messaging a few friends. You have nothing to be ashamed of and it will definitely help to have the support of your friends through this. Sending you a virtual hug, it feels dreadful now but things will get better, promise 💐

Having been through similar I understand why you don’t want to tell people. It took me a while to tell people and I dreaded it. I mainly did it by text telling a few close friends. Please realise that marriages break down all the time, it’s not shameful, it’s just life unfortunately. As other posters have said, everyone you tell will either have been through it, or will know someone close to them who has. They will be sympathetic and supportive.

Please don't feel ashamed OP. The shame is all his.

Have you told any of his family? I would do that too.

And file a child maintenance claim too so you can get some support for you and your children

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You have a good career and a sensible head on your shoulders. He is the coward. If you never hear from him again he is doing you a favor. What would you need from such a deadbeat man?

Forget shame and get life moving forward for your kids. Sort out house, finances etc
He doesn't deserve you or your kids.
There's no shame in a marriage ending it's not 1950.
I'm a bit puzzled how anyone kept it quiet for years, what do you say when ppl ask after him?

I told teachers when this happened to us, and I'm afraid to say that 16 years later, he still hasn't seen them. Some men can just switch off bits of their lives that no longer serve them.
But please know that whatever happens, you and the children will be ok. It took us a while and I did engage children's mental health services, but all is good x

That is appalling behaviour.

You’ve got absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It’s him who should be utterly ashamed.

No one will ever judge you.

Look after yourself and your lovely children 💐

You have nothing to be ashamed about.

unfortunately lots of marriages end so while I absolutely understand this is huge for you and the children, it is quite a usual situation for the teachers to deal with.

I used to be a scout leader and in one year four boys told me about their parents splitting up that year alone. Honestly I did not in any way judge the parents - well I did judge the one dad who moved in with ‘another lady’. He was a dick.

please tell some friends - they will be sympathetic. I am sure you have had friends go through this - all people feel is compassion and concern.

have you told your family? Has he told his?

and if you can get some counselling for the kids - this is a huge change for them - I can’t believe their dad hasn’t tried to see them. What an absolute horror of a human being.

I'm so sorry @Changechangechange83 . That sounds incredibly hard. I agree with all the PPs, the shame is not yours. No need to cover for him. Bring it out into the open, it will be a relief to your DC to heat you being open about what is going on.

Op you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Your ex however is a waste of space. Get straight onto CSA and get him paying towards his family. Has he spoke to you as to why he's ignoring the children? You are the foundation for your kids, he checked out ages ago but you are always there and they will remember that. Don't let them feel ashamed, they need to tell people or they will feel it's their fault also and they need to let the emotions out. Let people support you

@LuluBlakey1 that is so sad. Your poor friend and her Mum.

I have told my mum, but we aren't very close and she lives quite a long way away.

@Celynfour the wording you gave in your post is so helpful, thank you. I am using it to tell a friend.

I want him to want to see the children, regardless of the alcoholism. I want him to care about them, regardless of me and our relationship. His drinking has never been nasty or violent, just increasingly heavy and something he preoccupied himself with, falling asleep on the sofa at night, not getting up at the weekend etc. Putting himself first, spending lots of money on booze, not coming home from the pub... I would never slag him off to the kids, but how do I explain the fact that he hasn't seen them and doesn't show any signs of doing so?

Hi,
i’m sorry to hear you are going through this. It is horrible, you should never feel ashamed, it was his choice to walk away from
the marriage and from your babies, which is absolutely disgusting. You can never control someone’s else’s emotions and feeling, so please don’t be ashamed. I know how it feels.
I will be honest and very blunt, it’s all about you and those babies now. Look after you and them first. It’s really hard but don’t worry about him, I know easier said than done. Talk to the school and make them
aware of the situation, the school will almost certainly be good about it. They might also try and offer some in school support. They could also access the school nurse to see if she can help with your children’s sleeping. Talk to your family and friends. They will be amazing support for you and your children. I remember when I called my friends ( all of which i stupidly thought liked my ex more than me) most of my friends said “thank god, he’s gone” within an hour they were all in my garden (pandemic time) being the incredible, supportive people that they are. I really relied on them and still do. When and if dad comes back let them know that you will let them see him. What I would say is, if he does choose to come back, make it on your terms, what is right for you and your children, not what is right for him. Mine messed me about for years, seeing them, not seeing them, this caused them so much stress. Make sure to reassure them that it has got nothing to do with them, they sometimes feel that way. You will get through it, I promise you that. It will be a journey but you will become so strong through it. It’s very hard to heal when you have babies to take care of but take time for you as much as you can. My husband wouldn’t let me go out, I remember seeing my first 4D film at the cinema, I was 37 years old. I forced myself to do new things, even if they did seem small and pathetic to other people. Last year I flew to India on my own for two weeks, I would of never of done that. I know that’s a long way off for you but l just wanted to show you, you will be ok, your babies will be ok because they have an incredible mother fighting in their corner all day everyday. please dm if you need to chat. Take care and talk to people 🤗

Not only should the shame be your husband's, you should be proud of yourself. You are showing your children every day what it is to love your kids and show up for them every day, even when it's killing you. You're a warrior.

Thanks so much @Donnat84. It sounds like you have done an amazing job and are out there enjoying life. Thanks for your kind words and to everyone else, it means a great deal to me.

The trash has taken itself out!

He has done you a massive favour.

Doesn't want to see his own kids? SCUMBAG.

Hasn't been paying his share so you can provide a roof over your heads and put food on HIS kids table? SCUMBAG.

Do not chase after this total scum of a man. He is absolutely the worst of the worst.

Tell everyone he abandoned his children and left them without.

Tell them he is a coward and a pig.

Get divorce proceedings started and get the upper hand.

The shame lies with the soon to be ex.

No need to thank me, I can honestly say that it’s been hard and it can still be very hard, my ex can be very difficult. I won’t lie but you will get through it or should I say it will get easier. You probably feel like you’re In a tornado right now, and that ok. I would definitely get CSM involved. Speak to a solicitor when you feel ready and able, they usually offer the first half an hour for free, then the rest is about £300+ which is a lot but they do help to clear lots up and put your mind at ease. I was very much like you and wanted my ex to have a relationship with the children, he seemed to want to take care of his new girlfriend’s children more though. It will take time and patience. My ex was an awful alcoholic as well and I completely understand how you are feeling. You are always welcome to dm me, I will always do what I can

My friend was getting a divorce and she put a message on WhatsApp to 6 of us who are in that group. Never for one minute did we judge her. We were all just full of support etc. She is still the same person. We still love her..of course. Can't say the same for her scumbag of a husband.

Tell one or two as you need the support.
If a friend told you the same story you would just be angry on her behalf and full of love and compassion.

@Changechangechange83 my friend was put in the same position about 25 years ago. Her husband chose the bottle over his family. My friend raised the children on her own and he never saw them. She was well provided by money from him. Her children are grown now. There is nothing but admiration for a woman who does this.

Did he have a strong relationship with the kids originally, or has he always put work first?

We all know family’s where the husband has buggered off without looking back. And there shame was always firmly at his door. It happened to a woman at work recently who I’m not overly friendly with but I still only had sympathy for her. It’s unfortunately a common enough story that people will know the score - you’ve had the rug pulled from under you and are hanging on by your fingernails.

Telling people is hard. I kicked my XH out and it was the best decision I ever made, but my voice still cracked when I had to say it.

I'd suggest emails/texts as much as you can, especially with teachers. If you have to say it out loud, start with people who you feel comfortable being emotional with, as the first few times you say it are the hardest. Then it does get easier. I made the mistake of unloading on my mortgage broker!

There is absolutely no shame to this - it's all on him. But deep down you know that. Saying it out loud makes it 'real', and while I can understand why you would dread that, it will also help kick you out of shock mode and into action mode, which is what you need to be moving forward and into your best life without him.

The more you tell people the easier it will be. I think anytime you are going to tell people something personal you may feel this reluctance and shame - aside from the actual situation, we also dont want to make other people feel uncomfortable. So sorry, sending you hugs.