I am so ashamed

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I have name changed for this.

My husband left about 7 weeks ago. Checked out and left me and three DC (13, 7, 5). Things had been bad for a while - he is a workaholic and probably an alcoholic (won't admit to that). He was rarely present for the kids.

I work 4 days and always did 99% of stuff for kids etc, at least over the last year when things were bad.

But ....when I say he has checked out, he really has. Hasn't seen the kids, doesn't appear to want to but I have made it clear that he can and of course I want him to. Nothing. The kids are all struggling in their own ways and we limped through Xmas.

I am numb. And haven't told people because I feel inexplicably ashamed. I don't know why, but there is deep and irrational shame. Also a sense that if I tell the wider world, it will all come crumbling down.

Kids are back at school this week. I have to tell their teachers don't I? My youngest in particular has been anxious and struggling to sleep and her teacher knows there is something I think. He has asked for a meeting.

How do I start telling people?

@moomoomoo27 he has always been very committed to his job but it has become worse over the last 3 yea or so. My 13 yr old DS has noticed this over time and has been scathing about it, to the extent that he always simply came to me with issues relating to school, friends etc.

So you are ashamed..
Who has been and is there for your kids every day?
Who holds them up when they ask aboit their father?
Who cooks, cleans and makes sure their lives roll on?
Who is paying the bills, the mortgage, putting food on the table?

Exactly what have YOU to be ashamed of?

Tell people... tell the world.. you are being so strong, brave and steadfast for the most important people in this situation.. the children.
Adults have choices.. kids get dragged along regardless.

You are being a brilliant Mum, dont defend him... dont lie for him... dont cover for him. They will work out the truth in the end.. now, next week, next year. Let your truth now BE their truth going forward.
And dont, for one minute, think they dont know who and what he is right now... kids ALWAYS know.
Dont carry HIS shame.. that is on him alone.

You are fabulous and you will shine!
You can do this.

What @Bonbon21 said OP!
The shame is all his! You've nothing at all to be ashamed of, quite the opposite! You should be proud of how you've handled his appalling abandonment of not just you but his own children!
Tell you're closest friends at least OP, I would say they'll be angry on behalf of your children and yourself, and you will find the shame will fade, as it's not yours! It's ALL his!

Don’t feel ashamed, feel proud that you’ve stepped up, looked after your kids, earn enough to support them without him and have been the parent whilst it sounds like he’s been absent.
Others have great suggestions on telling a few friends, I have supported a friend through something very similar and hopefully your friends will step up and be a huge support, even if just via WhatsApp etc until you feel able to talk.
Your husband is unwell (alcoholism) so maybe that’s the kindest to tell your children for now. And that you don’t know when he will be better but reassuring them you are there for them etc. Potentially he is having a breakdown or admitting to himself finally that he has an issue, this isn’t the best way to go about dealing with it from your perspective but potentially long term he can be there for your DC.
Good luck.

I’ve been through a separation. I didn’t tell the school for months. I spoke to my children and they didn’t want the school to know. Once we were ready we did. I gradually told close friends. But didn’t tell school run acquaintances. I couldn’t talk about it. I think I was shocked I was in that situation. My advice would be get some therapy to off load safely. Only tell who you are comfortable with and take your time. Well done for being there for your children they will appreciate it.

I am so sorry OP for you and your kids’ sake, it’s the worst for a child to be left behind by a parent, but as have others said, this is not your shame, it’s absolutely his. Things will work out for the best in the end without him, you have been doing this alone anyway for a long time. Tell people and even if they judge, let them judge, you have yours and your kids’ wellbeing to care about first and foremost. You can do this, mums find it in them somehow to carry on, and your kids will absolutely know for sure who’s been there for them. Sending love and hugs xx

You can apply to cms for maintenance. Don't let him get away with not supporting them financially.

Tell the people who you think will support you emotionally. It's a good thing to tell your kids teachers but don't feel obligated to tell anyone you don't want to.

You have nothing to be ashamed about x