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Original poster

Boyfriend stood me up

69 replies

2TwoTango · 07/01/2024 20:11

I’ve been dating someone for a year or two and I have noticed in the last few months every now and then, he will say his coming over and not show up.

I can understand plans change or even he could have changed his mind but the thing that bothers me the most is the fact that he doesn’t even message or call to say he can’t make it. He just won’t show up and sometimes the next day I will get the apologies and excuses such as he fell asleep or his phone died on the way so he couldn’t let me know when he was here or some other excuse.

Last night again; he was due to come to visit me. He texted to say he had left home and then texted shortly after to say he was going to collect something from one of his friends on the way to me (no problem)- however over an hour later, he still didn’t show up. Today he hasn’t called or messaged to apologise or even explain why he didn’t show up (which I can imagine the reason was that he got caught up at his friends house and decided he would spend the evening catching up with him) but I’m really annoyed by the lack of communication and honestly I feel it’s quite disrespectful.

I haven’t spoken to him yet but I will mention this to him when he does call, but I’m curious to know others thoughts. Am I over reacting or is he in the wrong?

I’m over it personally and this has happened several times in the last few months. Nobody has ever done this to me before but him and I feel this is a dealbreaker so when I speak to him it will be to tell him we’re over - but am I being too harsh?

OP posts:
Flash15x · 07/01/2024 20:13

2TwoTango · 07/01/2024 20:11

I’ve been dating someone for a year or two and I have noticed in the last few months every now and then, he will say his coming over and not show up.

I can understand plans change or even he could have changed his mind but the thing that bothers me the most is the fact that he doesn’t even message or call to say he can’t make it. He just won’t show up and sometimes the next day I will get the apologies and excuses such as he fell asleep or his phone died on the way so he couldn’t let me know when he was here or some other excuse.

Last night again; he was due to come to visit me. He texted to say he had left home and then texted shortly after to say he was going to collect something from one of his friends on the way to me (no problem)- however over an hour later, he still didn’t show up. Today he hasn’t called or messaged to apologise or even explain why he didn’t show up (which I can imagine the reason was that he got caught up at his friends house and decided he would spend the evening catching up with him) but I’m really annoyed by the lack of communication and honestly I feel it’s quite disrespectful.

I haven’t spoken to him yet but I will mention this to him when he does call, but I’m curious to know others thoughts. Am I over reacting or is he in the wrong?

I’m over it personally and this has happened several times in the last few months. Nobody has ever done this to me before but him and I feel this is a dealbreaker so when I speak to him it will be to tell him we’re over - but am I being too harsh?

Absolutely not being harsh!
So he didn't turn up last night and you've still heard nothing?! No reason why or an apology?

solice84 · 07/01/2024 20:14

Bugger that
He'd be gone and never coming back if he'd done that to me even once without a very good excuse

MeinKraft · 07/01/2024 20:14

Sounds like he's got another relationship to me. But I hope I'm wrong.

UneasyMe · 07/01/2024 20:14

Not too harsh. Right thing to do.
I married one like this and wasted god knows how many hours waiting around for him.
Better men await

Dacadactyl · 07/01/2024 20:15

Err no, yanbu.

He's not that into you behaving like that and I'd be dumping him.

Olika · 07/01/2024 20:15

That's not ok and I would dumb him for that.

2chocolateoranges · 07/01/2024 20:18

He’s showing you that you aren’t his priority. Show him that you are far too good for him. Get rid!

Moonie5 · 07/01/2024 20:20

I would dump him

LittleGreenDragons · 07/01/2024 20:20

You feel disrespected because you are being disrespected. He's a waste of your time. Dump him, block him, find someone who thinks you are wonderful - because you are.

Tonight1 · 07/01/2024 20:21

I suppose he was on better behaviour at first. Now he's relaxed enough to do what he wants.

It's fine to finish it, yes it is rude

NoTeaNoShade · 07/01/2024 20:22

Throw this one back. If he wants to be with you he'd make the effort.

ThreeAcross · 07/01/2024 20:22

No, that's not ok at all. You wouldn't do it to a friend. He's taking you for granted or worse, he's doing it on purpose to keep you in your place.

It is disrespectful.

User13579367337 · 07/01/2024 20:25

Do you think he has any intention of going to yours when he does this op? It seems like some twisted kind of mind game to me. Like he likes the thought of you sat there waiting for him, and being sad and disappointed when he doesn’t turn up. This may be a bit of a reach, but it’s kind of how some abusers start, giving your self confidence a battering by acting like you’re not worth his time, and like he holds all the power in the relationship. Either way, I wouldn’t be putting up with this shit

rwalker · 07/01/2024 20:30

I wouldn’t put up with that from a friend let alone a partner

Original poster
2TwoTango · 07/01/2024 20:39

Thank you all for the replies and reassurance that I’m not over reacting.

He didn’t start like this; in fact, we have been friends for over 10 years before we got together (I think this is why I’m so forgiving with him as I wouldn’t allow this to happen a second time with anyone else!) He has always been reliable and trustworthy and has previously always been there for me when I needed him however I have noticed he has began doing this in the last few months. I did bring it up before and he was very apologetic and remorseful and actually improved as it didn’t happen again for a while; but now we’re back to bad habits.

In regards to last night, no he never did show up. Not a call or text. And today the same - I haven’t heard from him, although I think he knows I’m annoyed and over the excuses so he hasn’t called, but I know when he does it will be another sh*t excuse and I’m over it. Nobody is that busy and it’s common courtesy and manners and respectful to at least let someone know if you have to change plans that you have previously made with them. He knows this though which is even more reason why I find it ridiculously rude.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 07/01/2024 20:40

Sounds like things are reaching a natural end. It won't get better

lemoncurd1995 · 07/01/2024 20:43

My god op this is shocking! And even worse that you are even questioning who’s in the right or if you are being harsh.

How old are you both? This is really immature behaviour. Know your worth and get rid of this man child who has zero respect for you.

Original poster
2TwoTango · 07/01/2024 20:43

@User13579367337

I think he has intentions to come however as this has happened more than once - I’m beginning to feel his trying to play games.

He done this last week as well and I told him off about it and didn’t speak to him for 3 days. He was sorry and remorseful and seemed to regret it, but then done the same thing again this week.

He doesn’t strike me as the kind of person who is abusive - in fact; I’m quite sure he isn’t abusive, he is just clumsy, too laid back and clearly thinks I’m so laid back that I’ll keep forgiving and forgetting: but I’m so over it. When he calls I’m going to tell him straight and block him.

shame to throw away 10+ years or friendship, but I’m not a fool and I won’t be treated like one.

OP posts:
ThreeAcross · 07/01/2024 20:44

I couldn't be arsed to listen to his excuses. Even if he'd been knocked down by a bus you would have hear about it if he gave a toss.

LumiB · 07/01/2024 20:44

Wow my only reply would be you no longer ever need to come over again again. Goodbye!

Time is so precious and its incredibly disrespectful to not show up. Once maybe even twice with a decent reason I would tolerate but not consistently and for what isnt even great reasons.

Not even message to say hey running late ill be another x minutes. Wow what an idiot.

Sorry but I'd be ditching him and finding someone who had more respect and value for me.

2Hot2Handle · 07/01/2024 21:01

No decent human being treats another like this, especially in a romantic relationship. The longer you waste time with this guy, the less time you have spending it with someone who matters. I’d dump him in a firm, but blasé way, to mirror the way he has treated you. Just casually tell him you don’t want to keep passing up other offers from others, only to be let down. You get he’s not that interested, so you’ll start saying yes elsewhere (then cheerfully avoid elaborating on what that means/what the other offers are, leaving an air of mystery about you, so that he’s left with a “don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone” feeling…)

AgnesX · 07/01/2024 21:04

He's taking advantage of the fact you've known each other a long time, why have you not dumped him already?

dlago · 07/01/2024 21:06

Bad manners and disrespectful.

If you have arrangements to see someone you show up OR apologise and explain why you can't.

I would never accept this behaviour from a friend, never mind a partner

Hiddenvoice · 07/01/2024 21:06

That’s incredibly rude and I’d be very upset if a partner did this to me. What makes it worse is he did it last week so fully understands that it will upset you.
To me it shows his lack of respect for you. It seems like he expects you to just accept it as you’ve had a long term friendship so thinks you won’t end it.

What is he doing at a friends house to be so busy that he can’t send one text? I’m not a jealous or insecure person but this would make me mistrust him and who he is hanging around with/ doing. Is he drinking that he can’t seem to text or drive to you?

I wouldn’t be bothering to contact him and would probably just end it when he eventually does come crawling back. One time I’d maybe forgive since he was remorseful but hiding and being quiet for days afterwards just to avoid an argument is cowardly.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 07/01/2024 21:07

@2Hot2Handle this and that it is New Year New You which includes respecting yourself by not putting up with people who don't.

Walk tall and free yourself, you have given him enough chances.