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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend stood me up

69 replies

2TwoTango · 07/01/2024 20:11

I’ve been dating someone for a year or two and I have noticed in the last few months every now and then, he will say his coming over and not show up.

I can understand plans change or even he could have changed his mind but the thing that bothers me the most is the fact that he doesn’t even message or call to say he can’t make it. He just won’t show up and sometimes the next day I will get the apologies and excuses such as he fell asleep or his phone died on the way so he couldn’t let me know when he was here or some other excuse.

Last night again; he was due to come to visit me. He texted to say he had left home and then texted shortly after to say he was going to collect something from one of his friends on the way to me (no problem)- however over an hour later, he still didn’t show up. Today he hasn’t called or messaged to apologise or even explain why he didn’t show up (which I can imagine the reason was that he got caught up at his friends house and decided he would spend the evening catching up with him) but I’m really annoyed by the lack of communication and honestly I feel it’s quite disrespectful.

I haven’t spoken to him yet but I will mention this to him when he does call, but I’m curious to know others thoughts. Am I over reacting or is he in the wrong?

I’m over it personally and this has happened several times in the last few months. Nobody has ever done this to me before but him and I feel this is a dealbreaker so when I speak to him it will be to tell him we’re over - but am I being too harsh?

OP posts:
mindutopia · 07/01/2024 21:08

I had a boyfriend like this once. He was meeting up with (more than one) other woman behind my back, as it turned out. Now I can’t be sure that’s actually where he was the times he ‘fell asleep’ but it made it very clear that I wasn’t a priority, which obviously went hand in hand with boning like 4 other girls and lying about it.

Incidentally, the thing that really struck me about my Dh when I first met him was that if he said he’d come over at 6 to pick me up for dinner, he was literally there at 6:00pm every time. He was the most dependable guy I’d ever met. It’s important. You deserve better. How many times have you ‘fallen asleep’ and stood him up? I’d guess the answer is none. I’d chuck this one back.

LightSpeeds · 07/01/2024 21:14

Nope you're not being too harsh. Set him free...

MrsKeats · 07/01/2024 21:14

That's so rude and disrespectful.
Dump him.

Drinkinggreentea · 07/01/2024 21:20

It's weird that this only started a few months ago. Any chance he has another girlfriend?

Regardless, this guy is NOT in love with you and doesn't value you. He's just coasting with you and wasting your time. He'd probably deny that if you asked him in order to keep you around as it's nice for him to have someone he trusts on tap for sex and companionship but his actions say loudly and clearly that you're not that important to him. If you mattered to him he'd show up. Men are not complicated.

Minglingpringle · 07/01/2024 21:22

If he makes you feel like shit then leaving him is an appropriate response.

Ladyj84 · 07/01/2024 21:27

It sounds like he doing something else but you sure ain't a priority and allowing him to do this. Move on

autienotnaughty · 07/01/2024 21:43

He's taking you for granted. If you accept this treatment you are telling him this is your worth. Cut your losses end it now

jelly79 · 07/01/2024 21:49

Does he go round his mates and get wasted and forget he has plans with you?

No excuse for this whatever the reason!

Coconutter24 · 07/01/2024 21:50

I wouldn’t even bother waiting for a sorry from him just block and move on. If he keeps disrespecting you and getting away with it he will think he can treat you this way

Original poster
2TwoTango · 07/01/2024 22:02

@Coconutter24 I get you 100% although I’m not waiting for an apology. I’m waiting to tell him exactly what’s on my mind before I block him.

In the past with ex’s I’ve blocked and deleted and moved on- but I want him to know exactly how rude and disrespectful he is before I do that.

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 07/01/2024 22:08

2TwoTango · 07/01/2024 22:02

@Coconutter24 I get you 100% although I’m not waiting for an apology. I’m waiting to tell him exactly what’s on my mind before I block him.

In the past with ex’s I’ve blocked and deleted and moved on- but I want him to know exactly how rude and disrespectful he is before I do that.

I wouldn’t even bother with that because he clearly won’t care. However I do understand you may need to tell him to get it off your chest to make yourself feel better. How many days will you have to wait before he gets in touch? If it’s a few could you just send him a message then block so you’re not sat thinking about the situation or him?

kayla12345 · 07/01/2024 22:25

I'd say he's gone to his mates and ended up drinking/going out. Does he take drugs? Could have gone and been offered something and times just ran away?

ZebraD · 07/01/2024 22:37

Sounds like he has what he feels is a better offer. You are worth more than that and you know it. Well done for having the balls to tell him to sling his hook.

Tilllly · 07/01/2024 22:45

I'd just block him
No conversation, no explanation

Taste of his own medicine

Original poster
2TwoTango · 07/01/2024 22:47

@Coconutter24 Honestly I won’t be waiting. I just won’t block him until I’ve told him what he needs to hear. I haven’t heard from him tonight (I know, unbelievable) but I know I will most likely hear from him tomorrow when he will want to come over. I’m not the one to sit and wait for him so I won’t be thinking about the situation or him until I hear from him but i know the fact that he hasn’t contacted me today to apologise will be another thing he will hear about.

@kayla12345 He does have a drink every now and then (but will only have 1 mixed drink such as a small rum and coke as he drives) and doesn’t do drugs. I think honestly he ended up going to his friends house and ended up getting into conversations and then lost track of time. I have a feeling he does this often when he doesn’t show but I’m not silly and I’m well aware there could be another woman involved. I don’t care what he does when he is at his friends house honestly; what bothers me the most is the lack of respect when he can’t let me know he isn’t coming and has me sitting home making myself beautiful and he doesn’t show up.

OP posts:
jhy · 07/01/2024 22:53

So he says he's leaving to come over then never shows or even have the decency to phone or text?
That is insanely disrespectful behaviour.
I can't imagine being sat indoors awaiting my partner to come and then he doesn't ?!

AndOnAndOn1000 · 07/01/2024 22:56

He’s one hell of a disrespectful shit.

I wouldn’t waste my breath on him.

retinolalcohol · 07/01/2024 22:57

I'd stand him up forever to be honest. As in just block, no explanation. If he wants to be disrespectful he can expect disrespect back

FinallyHere · 07/01/2024 23:25

, he is just clumsy, too laid back and clearly thinks I’m so laid back that I’ll keep forgiving and forgetting

My guess is that he is hoping that you will finish with him, so he doesn't have to take that initiative.

I wouldn't bother giving him any explanation or anything else that takes up your time. Don't waste your breath.

Just block and move on.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/01/2024 23:27

2TwoTango · 07/01/2024 20:43

@User13579367337

I think he has intentions to come however as this has happened more than once - I’m beginning to feel his trying to play games.

He done this last week as well and I told him off about it and didn’t speak to him for 3 days. He was sorry and remorseful and seemed to regret it, but then done the same thing again this week.

He doesn’t strike me as the kind of person who is abusive - in fact; I’m quite sure he isn’t abusive, he is just clumsy, too laid back and clearly thinks I’m so laid back that I’ll keep forgiving and forgetting: but I’m so over it. When he calls I’m going to tell him straight and block him.

shame to throw away 10+ years or friendship, but I’m not a fool and I won’t be treated like one.

Ten years of friendship... honestly so what, I'd dump a friend for doing this to me too. He's ridiculous and you need some better boundaries.

I had a friend who used to cancel me a lot saying things came up with her bf or work. I then told her that I wouldn't make plans with her on a Thursday or Friday night again unless she could confirm that she had 'permission' from
Both her boss and boyfriend to go out with me, as these evenings were too precious to have last minute plans cancelled. I followed through with this and she soon got the message.

MoreStressMoreShit · 07/01/2024 23:33

Good for you OP nobody should be treated so nastily

Pinkbonbon · 08/01/2024 04:33

MeinKraft · 07/01/2024 20:14

Sounds like he's got another relationship to me. But I hope I'm wrong.

I was wondering if he was texting you by mistake thinking it was her he was texting tbh.

Does he call you "babe" or something similar all the time? (So he doesn't mix up names when texting each girl).

HarrietTheFireStarter · 08/01/2024 04:39

I'm sorry you are being treated poorly by your partner. His behaviour is extremely rude. I have been through this and it was a deal breaker for me. I'm pretty sure you'll find, if you haven't already, that the same level of rudeness pops up in another part of your lives as he just doesn't deem you worthy of consideration. I hope you can end it and move on without too much pain.

eish · 08/01/2024 04:48

You are worth more than this. Well done for being strong.

SpringleDingle · 08/01/2024 06:53

Yes, totally dumpable behaviour!