Husband

[Sabam0709]

Me and my husband have been married for 9 years, and have 2 kids and over the years his behaviour has changed so much… where he use to be kind and supportive not anymore. We both work full time, I earn a lot more than he does.

Over the last 2/ 3 years his behaviour has changed, I now have to practically beg him for help with the kids, and with housework and even then I only sometimes get it - I have to beg him when I am exhausted and need some rest. Whereas he is happy to help everyone else and do things to make there life easier. My daily routine consists of cooking, cleaning, feeding the kids, doing homework while he plays games on his phone or hides in the toilet. If I ask for help he starts to scream at he kids and takes my son away and give him the phone - which than ends in a fight as I don’t allow too much screen time and would rather play or read to the kids. I try to implement a routine for the kids but it doesn’t work because as soon as its bedtime for the kids he wants to take an interest in them, or tells them to help with tidying up. On the weekends, he sleeps all day - just gets up to eat and use a bathroom - than back to sleep, stays up all night.

I've tried talking to him about how I need more help, he says he understands and then does nothing to change, or tells me he does help (his idea of helping is doing a few dishes when I loose my temper)

I don’t know what to do to get through to him. I feel like I am only just keeping my head above water, my health is suffering as I hardly get any rest, I’m up early, and sleep late, in between I am working, looking after a toddler, doing school pick up. I don’t go out much now as I’m always so tired, don’t do any hobbies (use to go gym) but again I am so tired that I just don’t have any energy. Mentally I am completely exhausted.. I have friends I talk to regularly but feel like I am burdening them with my problems for noting.

when I try and express how I feel we end up arguing - I have told him to leave as if I have to do everything myself, why is he really here? But he doesn’t leave and I am trying not to turn this ugly due to the kids - but just don’t know what I can do.

I don’t know what I am expecting from posting this.

I'd divorce the fucker.

I would be looking at leaving, at least you will get a break when he then has the kids

If he'd always been like this I'd think about a separation. The fact it's relatively recent makes me wonder if there's a particular reason for the change in behaviour? Regardless, it totally shit on his part.

Have his family or friends noticed anything? Can you confide in them?

This is upsetting and exhausting for you and something needs to be done quickly to rescue the situation.

I have asked him to leave but he doesn’t, says he will and needs time/ money to arrange somewhere to live but never does.

It’s my place… (we pay the bills 50/50). And i can afford to cover his half - financially I don’t need anything from him and have never asked him for anything… always supported myself.

Should you wish to stay, the only solution I can see is that you outsource some of the demands on your time. Certainly (D)H needs to fund a cleaner at the very least.
He sounds depressed and unable to see what he is about to lose.

i have reached out to his family and friends. Both are F**

Family, i have reached out to his parents/ brother - Parents response was to hold me responsible and how i should solve my own problems. Brother “sorry I don’t get involved in these things”.

i have asked him what’s changed, or if anything has happened - his response is no noting and he knows he takes me for granted as i manage everything and he will change.. but the next day he’s back to his normal behaviour.

We don’t talk at all during the day as he’s always asleep - unless i am screaming to wake him up

If it's your place but you are married, then it's likely it will be seen as a marital asset unless it was yours before you got married or he has a house too.

I'd start divorce proceedings while he's there if you want to break up.

If he won't leave then l would be saying from now on even though you are under the same roof you are going to live separately. So separate sleeping arrangements and do nothing for him at all, no washing, cooking, etc, treat him as a flat mate. See a solicitor asap and start divorce proceedings as soon as you can. Hopefully hevwill then find his own place to live. He is bringing nothing to your relationship and you will manage much better without him.

He wont pay for anything.

Depressed - I don’t know, i have tried to talk to him, be understanding but i am at a point that i am on the edge of a burnout - i can carry on like this.

i just don’t know how to get through to him. I have issued him with separation papers - told him to sort him self out or i will get a divorce… he gets upset for 5 mins and than its back to normal with sarcastic comments…like “your the one that wants to leave, so you F off”, i am “always nagging him” etc….

seems to be the only solution i have

Just divorce and stop dragging the farce out. The house will be sorted during the divorce as it’s a marital asset. The instant the man started screaming at your kids and having you act as housemaid should have been the end of it.

Get rid of this dead weight already. He contributes nothing! Your life would be easier without him.

Been there done it and divorced him. All I felt was utter relief at not having another person to look after, beg for help, tidy after and feel resentment towards. There were other things too, drinking and just a total lack of involvement in family life. Honestly life doest have to be like this for you

Tell him it’s over and you want a divorce. Stop cooking for him, stop doing his washing, and anything else that helps him. Show him that you’re done.

In my experience lazy fathers don’t step up - they just don’t see their DC unless it’s an occasional burger in McDonald’s.

I think you should divorce him. But seek legal advice before doing anything to understand your position. As PP said, the house may be seen as a marital asset and especially as you earn more he may be entitled to a larger share of the equity. Currently in that situation myself.

Sounds like he has a lot on his plate. May be think about ways to make his load lighter?

Great idea!😂

Op if the house is yours then change the locks and leave his stuff outside.

He doesn't have any claim on assets you bought before the marriage, he contributes fuck all anyway.

LTB

Surely the marital home is a joint asset as they're married and its his only residence?

Just divorce him, OP. As part of the divorce your solicitor will sort a clean breakfinancial order

Do you think it's time to accept that he doesn't want to change and isn't going to? It sounds like he may also have prepped his family. You can't make a person change. The change you can make is to stop facilitating him getting away with being a SHIT husband and father. You deserve so much more. It's infinitely better to do it all on your own than it is to do that with a passenger who makes everything harder. He will probably change after you leave him. He's opted out of your marriage and your family.

It’s the kids… if it was me I would have done so. But I have a 7 year old (the other one is young (19 months)… Im trying so hard to do this in a civilised manner and i dnt want them to see us get in that situation. To me it’s simple, we tried and it didn’t work… but in his head life is perfect and I just like to complain. But it looks like I really dnt have any other option left.

i know he won’t change. His family are messed in the head. His parents never see there kids mistakes (they could rob a bank and would blame the bank) - and where he is concerned - man, eldest son… (south Asian)…, he makes a mistake and they laugh.

Did you own your home before you married ?I suggest you make an appt.with a solicitor and discuss your options.You can’t continue like this.Take care of yourself.