Husband

[Sabam0709]

Me and my husband have been married for 9 years, and have 2 kids and over the years his behaviour has changed so much… where he use to be kind and supportive not anymore. We both work full time, I earn a lot more than he does.

Over the last 2/ 3 years his behaviour has changed, I now have to practically beg him for help with the kids, and with housework and even then I only sometimes get it - I have to beg him when I am exhausted and need some rest. Whereas he is happy to help everyone else and do things to make there life easier. My daily routine consists of cooking, cleaning, feeding the kids, doing homework while he plays games on his phone or hides in the toilet. If I ask for help he starts to scream at he kids and takes my son away and give him the phone - which than ends in a fight as I don’t allow too much screen time and would rather play or read to the kids. I try to implement a routine for the kids but it doesn’t work because as soon as its bedtime for the kids he wants to take an interest in them, or tells them to help with tidying up. On the weekends, he sleeps all day - just gets up to eat and use a bathroom - than back to sleep, stays up all night.

I've tried talking to him about how I need more help, he says he understands and then does nothing to change, or tells me he does help (his idea of helping is doing a few dishes when I loose my temper)

I don’t know what to do to get through to him. I feel like I am only just keeping my head above water, my health is suffering as I hardly get any rest, I’m up early, and sleep late, in between I am working, looking after a toddler, doing school pick up. I don’t go out much now as I’m always so tired, don’t do any hobbies (use to go gym) but again I am so tired that I just don’t have any energy. Mentally I am completely exhausted.. I have friends I talk to regularly but feel like I am burdening them with my problems for noting.

when I try and express how I feel we end up arguing - I have told him to leave as if I have to do everything myself, why is he really here? But he doesn’t leave and I am trying not to turn this ugly due to the kids - but just don’t know what I can do.

I don’t know what I am expecting from posting this.

I am not discouraging. However OP wants her divorce done in a few weeks. I have a lot of divorced friends. It usually gets dragged out for years. All I am advocating with marriage counselling is trying ibuprofen and physio before going for the surgery. If the husband doesn't accept marriage counselling she can still proceed with divorce. However it's irresponsible to suggest that divorce is a quick or easy fix when the children are involved. She will be tied to the man for years to come through the children. I am 100% certain he will be slagging her to his and her family. It's an awful situation. I think OP's main issue is that she had outshone her husband and exhausted herself at work. She needs to cut down on her hours anyway because divorce will be draining anyway. She needs to play the game for the long haul, not rush into things

I agree. I wish people would stop touting the 'at least you'll get a break when he has them', because a lot of fathers just disappear into the ether when they are no longer married. Half the time CMS can't find them either, so you get no money, no support and no 'EOW off'.

@Kosenrufugirl thats amazing, and so happy for you.

I want to add a little to what has been said here: when you choose to have a partner, there are expectations, sharing of the workload etc…

no one wants to break up a family for the sake of it (or not the majority) but unfortunately its better to walk away than stay unhappy - thinking long term, once the kids leave, there is only you and your partner and it should be happy times, not resentment or regrets (trust me i have seen first hand how resentment and regret in old age is), also a relationship is about give and take, no one is perfect (i know i have annoying habits).

And i have no fantasies about him being around “to give me a break” - a man that can’t be there for you when your living with him, leaving him wont all of a sudden change that. But than i wont have expectations, i know i have to do it all (and i have tested this, we separated for a while last year, the first couple of weeks was hard on me, there were days i cried to bed… but eventually got my kids into a routine and everything was like clockwork… he came back and disrupted it all.

what makes everything worse for me is i have a father (who made mistakes as a man and a husband) but as a father he was great - and that is the standard i have.

Thank you everyone for your comments - i have been going through a lot (from every angle) and this has helped me to clear the fog from my brain and think straight.

Start divorce proceedings. You don't need his permission and you don't need him to leave the house. It will be a miserable time while the legal wheels turn, but you're already living a miserable life so it won't be any worse.

Even if it takes a while, getting rid of him will be much better for the kids than living like this.