Husband

[Sabam0709]

Me and my husband have been married for 9 years, and have 2 kids and over the years his behaviour has changed so much… where he use to be kind and supportive not anymore. We both work full time, I earn a lot more than he does.

Over the last 2/ 3 years his behaviour has changed, I now have to practically beg him for help with the kids, and with housework and even then I only sometimes get it - I have to beg him when I am exhausted and need some rest. Whereas he is happy to help everyone else and do things to make there life easier. My daily routine consists of cooking, cleaning, feeding the kids, doing homework while he plays games on his phone or hides in the toilet. If I ask for help he starts to scream at he kids and takes my son away and give him the phone - which than ends in a fight as I don’t allow too much screen time and would rather play or read to the kids. I try to implement a routine for the kids but it doesn’t work because as soon as its bedtime for the kids he wants to take an interest in them, or tells them to help with tidying up. On the weekends, he sleeps all day - just gets up to eat and use a bathroom - than back to sleep, stays up all night.

I've tried talking to him about how I need more help, he says he understands and then does nothing to change, or tells me he does help (his idea of helping is doing a few dishes when I loose my temper)

I don’t know what to do to get through to him. I feel like I am only just keeping my head above water, my health is suffering as I hardly get any rest, I’m up early, and sleep late, in between I am working, looking after a toddler, doing school pick up. I don’t go out much now as I’m always so tired, don’t do any hobbies (use to go gym) but again I am so tired that I just don’t have any energy. Mentally I am completely exhausted.. I have friends I talk to regularly but feel like I am burdening them with my problems for noting.

when I try and express how I feel we end up arguing - I have told him to leave as if I have to do everything myself, why is he really here? But he doesn’t leave and I am trying not to turn this ugly due to the kids - but just don’t know what I can do.

I don’t know what I am expecting from posting this.

its not the property that’s an issue… its the kids. They are my weakness and I am trying so hard for them not to see me kicking him out… F* sake be an adult…. The relationship is dead, so for the sake of our kids be civilised… but deep down I guess I know this is the only way to move on

The kids will be aware you aren't getting on so be the adult they need and sort out the anger in their home.

If you are married then it's not your house it is joint so you either buy him out/he buys you out or sell it. See a solicitor to find out what you would be entitled to, and how to do it. In the meantime take copies of his bank statements, savings, pensions etc. Keep birth certificates and marriage certificate, and passports, somewhere safe.

He won't change, so you either accept this is your life until death, or divorce. You choose.

Check his phone , sounds like he’s moved on
red flags, separate your financial stuff
good luck

This got me thinking…

the only thing that was “different” was I refused to look after his parents.

to explain, they have never treated me right… I had my life and didn’t care, now they are old and none of there kids wanna look after them, including my husband. I have never stopped my husband from looking after them, going to see them (I encourage him).

that’s the only thing….

The house is mine… I have offered it to him if it means I get peace….

The sooner you start divorce proceedings, the sooner you can be rid of him.

And don't give him the house, you said it was yours when you got together and you'll need somewhere for you and the kids to live. He may need a pay-out, but don't let him screw you over financially, he's the type who would just walk away and leave you to do all the child rearing, so you're going to need all the money you can get your hands on to support the kids.

Do not offer him your house.

Start divorce proceedings.

You dont need his permission! You have money, instruct a solicitor TOMORROW and get fucking rid.

Do NOT offer him your house! See a solicitor and get correct advice about divorcing, although you can do it independently. If you look after the dc more, it is unlikely that he’d get possession, don’t offer it! Send him divorce papers and mean it, he’s taking the piss. The dc will be badly affected by his horrible behaviour l don’t you think they’d be better off with a happy parent?

If you are married its 50:50 a marital asset.

Why would you give him your house? 🤔

Dude. Put your big girl panties on and boot him out.

The 19 month old won't remember, the 7 year old will be grateful not to be screamed at.

If it's your house, take a leave day, pack his shit and change the locks while your child is at school and he's not home.

Why drag it out? The kids shouldn't be your excuse, they should be your reason.

@Sabam0709 OP, are you south Asian as well?

unfortunately your husband suffers from the entitled south Asian male attitude. its toxic and taught to him by his parents. you have to leave him - there is no other solution.

get a good lawyer and get him out. if you can't afford to buy him out, you might have to sell the house.. but don't offer anything to him as a start. sounds like he has let you pay for everything and not contributed to childcare etc. also kids will be with you so you will be owed child maintainance. take that, even if you don't 'need it'
maybe it will allow you to hire help or cut your hours. either way, something has to give. otherwise you will collapse by the sounds of it. hope you get through this. ♡

yep I am south Asian, but was bought up a little differently.

joke is I am expected to do the “typical” south Asian things but his own sis’s don’t.

I suggest you go part time and adjust your expenditure accordingly. Once he starts having baked beans on toast for dinner he might do something else with his time. You will at least enjoy your time with the children. They are still young, they want time with their mummy and will happily wear charity shop clothes. You will be calmer and no one will blame you for contributing exactly half to family finances

Further to the earlier message... and his family will praise you for your lady-like behaviour. All of us are shouty when we are exhausted.

Further to earlier messages ... you can still contribute so much to your children on low income. You can borrow books from the library for free, go to all the free children's activities locally etc. Maybe do a few online courses to keep your skills up to date. Once your children are teenagers and want to hang around their friends rather than mum and dad you can focus again on your career. Just make sure you teach them to help around with housework. You don't want to end up as unpaid cleaner etc for your children as well as your husband. You sound like a clever woman, you will be fine career wise, I speak from personal experience

You're screaming at him to wake him up. He's screaming at the kids when you ask for help. Fgs. How is divorcing him any worse than forcing your children to live like that?

the one rule for his sisters and one rule for you thing is sooooo typical

I am south Asian and would rather chew off my own leg than marry a south Asian dude. almost all of them mamas boys and even the ones that seem normal, most of them regress after marriage. the sense of entitlement is awful. truly good ones are incredibly rare.

yep a lesson learnt.

It’s not….

”sometimes talking to strangers puts things into perspective” - and seeing all the comments just put everything out there that I have know a long time in my heart….

in addition with today actions and all the comments have really put things into perspective. (I’m working, from home and looking after a toddler - with him on his phone and sleeping - he can’t even be bothered to go and pick up our daughter from school - now I have to cancel my meeting to go and pick her up with my toddler - can’t leave the toddler with him, he is asleep)

divorce will be done - i want it over in weeks

thank you… I needed this kick up the back side

Just be prepared he would be begging you for forgiveness. He never truly believed you would be brave enough to do it. Unfortunately women tend to put up with a lot of crap for a very long time and when they decide to go there is usually no stopping them. Like you I am married to a South Asian man, a firstborn to boot. I chose to give my husband a 2nd chance for the sake of the children. I haven't regretted it as he changed 180 degrees. Marriage counselling did help. I would start by cutting down the hours at work. If anything it would help you in the divorce proceedings. Then see how it goes. Don't do anything in a rush, take your time

Good for you.

(I’m working, from home and looking after a toddler - with him on his phone and sleeping - he can’t even be bothered to go and pick up our daughter from school)
All this will still happen. Having to do all the cleaning, cooking and everything else will still be exhausting BUT you will be able to put things in place to mitigate the stress. The worse thing is thinking you have a backup plan only for it to refuse/sleep/not turn up so getting a childminder/nursery/cleaner who actually do what is planned is an amazing (and weird) feeling. Good luck, sounds like you and the children will flourish

As is often the case, first post nails it.

I am happy it worked out for you. but you are the exception.

OP is not rushing. rushing is the opposite of what she is doing. please don't go around discouraging women from leaving awful situations