Abusive ex, introducing new partner to DC

[Endoftheroad12345]

I am interested in others’ experiences/insights.

I ended my marriage in November 2022. We had been together 21 years, 2 DC now aged 9 and 5. Ex H abusive, emotionally and physically. Rages, smashing things, eggshells, assaulted me on numerous occasions. The abuse has continued in the aftermath of the split - on more than one occasion I have threatened him with the police, trespass orders etc. I. the immediate aftermath of the split he drained our joint savings - tens of thousands of dollars.

Around the time I ended the marriage I had reconnected with an old high school boyfriend. Nothing happened- my conscience is very clear on this - but there was certainly a connection which did contribute to me finally deciding to end the marriage. We remained in contact after the split and started a relationship in May 2023. It is a long distance relationship so it’s developed away from my home town.

New boyfriend is visiting next month (not staying with me) and I will be introducing my DC to him as a friend and we will spend some time together. DC already know about my “friend” and know that he likes me and are positive about meeting him. We have planned a weekend away with the DC and another family at a beach town in a large house - we won’t share a bedroom. The

Ex H has had a new girlfriend since June 2023 and I have made an effort to talk positively about her to DC (I don’t know her but we have mutual friends), reassure them etc as they were both v upset about it. I have almost sole custody of the kids - they stay with him every second weekend max, sometimes not even that. Older DC is in therapy due to the DV he witnessed.

I guess my question is - how much should I be telling ex H about new bf in advance of his visit? One of my friends says I should be telling him I have a new boyfriend who I will be introducing to the kids. I’m wary about telling him anything about my private life given his track record. Bf doesn’t live here and isn’t likely to for next couple of years, although he will eventually. My personal preference is to tell exH I have a friend visiting from overseas. Or to tell him nothing and let him learn it through the grapevine. (Ex H will definitely assume I cheated on him. Bc being given a black eye isn’t a good enough reason to end a marriage apparently … his actual words 😵‍💫)

In a more civilised break up of course there would be a bit more coordination between us but this break up is the opposite of amicable. (For context the kids learnt about his gf through reading texts on his phone and asked me about it so I didn’t get a heads up from him (although they haven’t met her yet).)

Have you actually seen the old high school connection in person since you “reconnected”?

did ex tell you about introducing girlfriend to children out of interest?

Of course I have @withthischoice , numerous times, met his family etc

DC haven’t met ex’s new gf and say they won’t

So why on earth are you introducing yours?

You know all about his gf but he shouldn't know about yours?

how old are the children?

will he be staying at yours for the weekend?

Why am I introducing my kids to my new partner because they don’t want to meet their abusive dad’s?

He’s not staying at mine @withthischoice

As I said in my post

I think this is way too fast.
You haven't even been dating a year and you are going away for the weekend with the kids?

That's way too intense for a first meeting.

Ex has had a girlfriend for 7 months

children with him EOW

and they’ve never met her? So ex has respected their decision not to meet her and not once had her over in 7 months?

I don’t think it is particularly hard to keep your kids away from your gf if you have them Friday night - Sunday lunchtime every second weekend max

My other comment is given your previous relationship taking the time to recover, get therapy, and break the abuse cycle is important.

You have left an abusive marriage, and gone into a new relationship without time to figure things out.

in answer to your question - i wouldn’t be wondering whether to tell ex because there would be nothing to tell

given what your children have endured - Not. A. Chance i’d be introducing any man in to their lives at this time. Not a chance

@Josette77 I’ve had extensive therapy

over 7 months?

my point is - they don’t want to meet his girlfriend and for 7 months he’s respected that every other weekend? doesn’t seem to fit with how you describe him

(a) he didn’t respect it- he kept the relationship quite secret from until they recently found out about it and got very upset

(b) I really don’t care whether you think my abusive ex was abusive or not

My question is why you have not taken steps to stop your children spending time with someone who has physically assaulted you?

and when they found out - he hasn’t forced her on them.

I don’t doubt he was abusive

but my point is - he is very much keeping this girlfriend separate for the children

and i think that’s a good thing

OP - i wouldn’t have a man in my life at this stage if i were you. So i have nothing to add. So you’ll be relieved that i will bow out

Have you been through the family court system @CharlotteBog

Can I ask why you are moving so fast though? Why the hurry to introduce the kids?

You acknowledge they have survived a lot of trauma.

Because first and foremost my son’s therapist advised that it is recommended to be as open as possible with kids when parents have new partners to make them feel included and not breach their trust.

Because by February, bf and I will have been in a relationship for 10 months, we have known each other 25 years, we are planning a future together and making sure he builds a healthy relationship with my kids is integral to that.

I wouldn't tell him.

There's no equal par here. This is a violent and abusive man. You aren't the abuser - he is. & despite no longer being with him, you've had to threaten to call the police due to his actions towards you.

No doubt the 'yeah but' handmaidens will be along to say you must tell him. In your shoes I'd ignore them - and your friend can mind her own business too. I mean, the children may tell him in the end anyway. But please remember he is not the boss of you.

Aside from that I think you should wait another year, or 2, before you introduce your children to your new man. You can still have your relationship.You dont have to move as fast as your ex. Bearing in mind your eldest is still in therapy. You need this time to focus on your children, a new man should not be a part of that

Thanks @DeeCeeCherry that’s helpful and aligns with my gut feeling too.

I totally agree re the kids being the focus. They absolutely are. I will be introducing DP in Feb but it will be as a friend and the next meeting (assuming all goes well) won’t be until much later in the year.

Don't tell him anything x

I wouldn’t tell him.

it’s of zero business to him.

My belief is that the time to tell your ex about a new partner is when he/she is starting to be presented as your partner to your kids. As in, not "as a friend" but as someone who is likely to be long-term/permanently and significantly present in their lives as a probable future member of the household. Someone who will be openly treating you as a romantic partner in front of them.

At that point, I think you have an obligation to let a co-parent know of this significant change in your children's lives. Before then, it's none of the ex-partner's business.