Abusive ex, introducing new partner to DC

[Endoftheroad12345]

I am interested in others’ experiences/insights.

I ended my marriage in November 2022. We had been together 21 years, 2 DC now aged 9 and 5. Ex H abusive, emotionally and physically. Rages, smashing things, eggshells, assaulted me on numerous occasions. The abuse has continued in the aftermath of the split - on more than one occasion I have threatened him with the police, trespass orders etc. I. the immediate aftermath of the split he drained our joint savings - tens of thousands of dollars.

Around the time I ended the marriage I had reconnected with an old high school boyfriend. Nothing happened- my conscience is very clear on this - but there was certainly a connection which did contribute to me finally deciding to end the marriage. We remained in contact after the split and started a relationship in May 2023. It is a long distance relationship so it’s developed away from my home town.

New boyfriend is visiting next month (not staying with me) and I will be introducing my DC to him as a friend and we will spend some time together. DC already know about my “friend” and know that he likes me and are positive about meeting him. We have planned a weekend away with the DC and another family at a beach town in a large house - we won’t share a bedroom. The

Ex H has had a new girlfriend since June 2023 and I have made an effort to talk positively about her to DC (I don’t know her but we have mutual friends), reassure them etc as they were both v upset about it. I have almost sole custody of the kids - they stay with him every second weekend max, sometimes not even that. Older DC is in therapy due to the DV he witnessed.

I guess my question is - how much should I be telling ex H about new bf in advance of his visit? One of my friends says I should be telling him I have a new boyfriend who I will be introducing to the kids. I’m wary about telling him anything about my private life given his track record. Bf doesn’t live here and isn’t likely to for next couple of years, although he will eventually. My personal preference is to tell exH I have a friend visiting from overseas. Or to tell him nothing and let him learn it through the grapevine. (Ex H will definitely assume I cheated on him. Bc being given a black eye isn’t a good enough reason to end a marriage apparently … his actual words 😵‍💫)

In a more civilised break up of course there would be a bit more coordination between us but this break up is the opposite of amicable. (For context the kids learnt about his gf through reading texts on his phone and asked me about it so I didn’t get a heads up from him (although they haven’t met her yet).)

Thanks @CheekyHobson this is a good rule of thumb.

My question arose bc it didn’t feel right (apart from all the other issues) to tell ex H in advance about a “boyfriend” when I’m presenting DP to DC as a friend. My priority is them after all. So it may be that at the end of the time if DP and I progress beyond “friendship” (in terms of title!) to the DC I give ex H a heads up. That feels more logical (and less like I’m giving him some sort of veto which really irked me).

I agree with this approach too.

I was I'm the same situation as you too and my ex was trying to pump our son for information about my partner, so I'd certainly be keeping your relationship 'as a friend' for as long as you can.

You don't really need to tell him anything given he's your ex, but I imagine he'd take it out on the children if he accidentally found out.

Yes. Non-molestation order, CAO and an amendment to that Order.

Your ex assaulted you and you threatened him with police action.
The police would have arrested him if you had reported it.

Endoftheroad12345

this is tricky tricky

I hate when people censoriously pile On women who date again and suggest always it’s too soon

and - I’d think hard if

• if your ex finds out is there a risk he will badmouth you in front of kids ? So have a negative reaction , ask loads of questions etc ?
• this is early days and sorry ! but some relationships do fail
• its awkward when they they know there is someone . And when they they there isn’t as you split for some reason

Maybe stick to friend (in front of kids ) and tread cautiously , whilst I hope having a happy realtionship !

Hi op. I'd suggest doing the freedom programme before heading into another relationship. Especially seeing as your eldest is still in therapy for what they've witnessed. Keep your relationship entirely separate from your children. They have to be put first for a while and you need the tools to see those red flags in future relationships.

Imagine getting into a relationship with this man, introducing your kids then find him to be abusive too. Imagine the devastating effect that would have on you and your children. It's just not worth it x

I think it's too soon purely because one of the children is still in therapy for the DV they've witnessed.

Thanks all - I appreciate the feedback.

I feel comfortable with the speed of introducing DP to the kids but only because of our particular circumstances - I’ve known him so long, he doesn’t live here and won’t for a few years, he is an extremely kind and gentle man. The opposite of ex H.

It’s been over a year since the marriage ended to exH but the work (therapy work I mean) started well before then. I met exH when I was 20 and he was my first real boyfriend. I tolerated behaviour from him that I would never tolerate now as a 42 y.o (from DP or anyone else).

I’ve done shit tons of therapy to understand why I accepted his behaviour, why I stayed, how to better value myself and set boundaries. Much reading of Lundy Bancroft and every post on abusive relationships ever posted on Mumsnet! I don’t think I could have done it without this board.

To someone’s earlier point re reporting him to the police - he is a lawyer (as am I - the irony) so I never took that step as the consequences for his career and income would be catastrophic. I would much rather he was held accountable but he is a workaholic and the thought of him with work to focus on is a scary one.

In normal circumstances it would be proper to inform the ex. However, it’s completely different after you’ve left an abusive relationship, you have to put yourself first (obviously kids too- which it seems you’ve already considered) .

After leaving my emotionally abusive/coercive controlling ex, I’ve had to limit how much information I share with him about my life, lest he use anything to harass me again (since splitting he’s tied to get my fired from my job, smashed up my home, etc.). I don’t tell him anything and keep contact with the ex basic and limited, just stick to subjects around DS. My son has met my current partner, although he’s 5 and knows him as my ‘friend’. I’ve kept it at that until he slowly gets to know my partner, and it’s currently no different to him meeting any of my actual friends. My ex isn’t entitled to that information if he’s going to use it in some way to harass me. I have full custody of DS (ex has him school holidays and every other weekend). Ex does know about my current partner through hacking a sm account and reading through all private messages, however he doesn’t know anything about him or our relationship beyond that as I figured it out pretty quickly. I’m afraid of what he’ll do, I don’t owe him anything because we share a child together. I have always been my child’s ‘main parent’ and I trust myself to put my child’s best interests at heart, and that doesn’t necessarily mean I need to involve my ex who will try to use DS to emotionally blackmail me- thereby putting horrible stress on my baby again.

Thanks @Ruffpuff - this is all so familiar. He hasn’t tried to get me fired from my job but any info I share with him beyond the bare minimum is weaponised. I’m the main parent too - it’s officially EOW and half school holidays for example but it’s summer holidays here and he will have them for a grand total of 1/7 weeks. The kids hate it and I foresee a time in the near future when contact will decrease to a few hours out on the weekend only. I feel lucky to have my unconventional LDR with DP and it does allow me to focus on work and my kids. Any socialising takes place at home (another nice change as ex was so tense/unpredictable that I hated having people over).

It’s been over a year since the marriage ended to exH

your children have endured so much OP. I know you have no intention of doing anything differently, but if you’re honest with yourself, you know deep down that what your children really want is to just have some time to settle and be with their mum and sibling in their new home.

Absolutely @plumberdrain

They are not in a new home. They are in their family home that I fought tooth and nail to hold on to while their father reamed me financially. We are a tight unit the 3 of us. I’ve had the last several months off work to focus on them and won’t be going back to work until March. I’ve travelled to see DP on a few occasions over the last year, but only when they have been left in the care of our trusted long term nanny who is more of a co-parent than my ex will ever be. Apart from that, I don’t go out without them, all I do is work and hang out with my kids. It is no hardship to me as they are the best things on my life and I feel lucky and grateful to be their mum and their existence makes the 20 years with ex H worthwhile.

In the future, I hope that they will see what real love and a functional, healthy relationship looks like when they see my relationship with DP. (And for both of them to see that if people treat you badly in a marriage you leave, and it’s ok - far better - to be a single parent, as I am now.) As I said, that won’t be any time soon - our plan is for him to move here in 4 year’s time. The next 4 years will be about them getting to know him gradually while knowing that they are my absolute priority. While all of us continuing therapy. If in 4 years time they are not ready, then he won’t be moving in.

I am still a young woman with a lot of love to give to my kids and to my partner. I don’t intend to allow my horrible ex to dictate my future. Contrary to what a lot of people seem to think of this thread, women in abusive relationships are not stupid. I knew for a long time that exH’s behaviour was not acceptable. I was first young and naive (“he’ll change”) and then the mother of young children with no family support or financial resource to leave. I am proud of myself for the decisions I’ve made for me and my kids.

yes - sounds great.

and i’m sure your children would be keen for this happy settled time just the right unit of 3 for me than a few months.

But Op - you will do as you do. and i will do as i do. no biggie seeing as we don’t know each other from Adam!

More than a few months? I said I am off work focusing on them until March - after that I will go back to work and we will remain the three of us in our home as we are indefinitely. I have to pay for it somehow.

Broke up a year ago from a horrific abusive marriage.

I imagine immediate aftermath was very difficult and stressful dealing with an abusive ex.

It has been settled for now a few months. Next month…. new guy enters the equation.

OP we both know that given the choice - you children would prefer the current status who to continue for longer. I get it… you really like the guy and want to be in a relationship. But it’s a bit weird not to realise that your children would likely prefer for that tight unit of 3 to continue for longer than months after years of an abusive horrible environment

i will bow out and hide the thread so as not drawn back in OP because fundamentally we do not share the same way of doings things. and that’s ok!

I totally take your point @plumberdrain and I agree with you. DP will be visiting as a friend and then will return to his home in a different country.

@plumberdrain I agree with what you are saying.
I'm still trying to understand why OP is allowing her children to stay with a violent man.
Lawyers are not above the law.

Not sure why 9-10 months is seen as way too quickly to introduce a new partner. There's also a risk of waiting too long and then being faced with difficulties. It's a bit weird for a kid to know their mum has a boyfriend but they don't get to meet them for years. I don't think I'd do a trip away though as a first meeting though, or maybe do the trip, he stays separately, meets you guys during the day for an hour or so and you see him in the evening once kids are asleep but you don't holiday together IYSWIM. Otherwise I think it could be too full on for the kids.

Why are the kids so upset about dad's girlfriend and why do they not want to meet her, yet are positive about you having a boyfriend? That didn't make sense to me.

Oh and for the 'why didn't you fight tooth and nail' people, it's virtually impossible to get an order for no contact, even where there has been abuse. Abuse is pleaded in a large percentage of family court cases and the vast majority result in overnight contact.

Because if she doesn't, her ex will get a court order to say they can stay overnight and if she doesn't comply, she will be in contempt of court. Courts will grant overnight staying contact even where there has been relatively serious domestic abuse towards the other parent.

Not in my experience.
Sorry, I just don't think that's the reason OP didn't report her ex to the police.

@CharlotteBog I am in the US and what the OP is describing is standard process when there is DV.

OP, sounds very familiar. I’ve held off on him meeting the children. I’m letting him go ahead and be the drama queen, introducing the girlfriend and her children. He doesn’t need my permission. The children tell me things about the girlfriend which are concerning to me. Right now, one parent has to be the sensible one and that’s left to me.

Don’t risk your children’s stability on a man. Take it super super slow. Let him go first and rock the children’s world. You then introduce your boyfriend when it’s all calmed down.

Then what do you think the reason is?

Mumsnet is filled with threads of women struggling to leave abusive men for fear of the access they'll have to the kids following the split, so OP isn't describing anything new but you seem to think there is another reason?

Not in your experience? Read up on the quite extensive research that has been done, eg by women’s aid on how the family court handles abuse allegations.

I didn’t report my ex to the police because (a) my lawyers told me it would not make a difference to his access to the kids - currently we have an informal agreement between us which means I can control access as he’s quite lazy; (b) it mean I would have to engage with criminal court proceedings which frankly I don’t have the capacity for, and (c) it would potentially mean he would be unable to practice as a lawyer (though the Law Society doesn’t seem to take a very hard line against abusive men so who knows) which would take away his main focus in life - work - and reduce his ability to pay anything for the kids, though he pays the bare minimum so that’s not my primary consideration.

I also wondered why my son was so anti dad having a gf but more open to me potentially having a boyfriend. He said it was because he felt betrayed by dad as he (DS) found out about it by accident and Dad lied to him about it. This on top of dad generally being an arsehole, DS is not stupid, he knows why we broke up. Basically DS trusts me and doesn’t trust ex. Hardly surprising.

So to add to the above, I don’t want the relationship with DP to go on too long and risk breaching DS’ trust again. It’s important to me that DP has lots of time to build a relationship with my kids. We are a package deal.