Abusive ex, introducing new partner to DC

[Endoftheroad12345]

I am interested in others’ experiences/insights.

I ended my marriage in November 2022. We had been together 21 years, 2 DC now aged 9 and 5. Ex H abusive, emotionally and physically. Rages, smashing things, eggshells, assaulted me on numerous occasions. The abuse has continued in the aftermath of the split - on more than one occasion I have threatened him with the police, trespass orders etc. I. the immediate aftermath of the split he drained our joint savings - tens of thousands of dollars.

Around the time I ended the marriage I had reconnected with an old high school boyfriend. Nothing happened- my conscience is very clear on this - but there was certainly a connection which did contribute to me finally deciding to end the marriage. We remained in contact after the split and started a relationship in May 2023. It is a long distance relationship so it’s developed away from my home town.

New boyfriend is visiting next month (not staying with me) and I will be introducing my DC to him as a friend and we will spend some time together. DC already know about my “friend” and know that he likes me and are positive about meeting him. We have planned a weekend away with the DC and another family at a beach town in a large house - we won’t share a bedroom. The

Ex H has had a new girlfriend since June 2023 and I have made an effort to talk positively about her to DC (I don’t know her but we have mutual friends), reassure them etc as they were both v upset about it. I have almost sole custody of the kids - they stay with him every second weekend max, sometimes not even that. Older DC is in therapy due to the DV he witnessed.

I guess my question is - how much should I be telling ex H about new bf in advance of his visit? One of my friends says I should be telling him I have a new boyfriend who I will be introducing to the kids. I’m wary about telling him anything about my private life given his track record. Bf doesn’t live here and isn’t likely to for next couple of years, although he will eventually. My personal preference is to tell exH I have a friend visiting from overseas. Or to tell him nothing and let him learn it through the grapevine. (Ex H will definitely assume I cheated on him. Bc being given a black eye isn’t a good enough reason to end a marriage apparently … his actual words 😵‍💫)

In a more civilised break up of course there would be a bit more coordination between us but this break up is the opposite of amicable. (For context the kids learnt about his gf through reading texts on his phone and asked me about it so I didn’t get a heads up from him (although they haven’t met her yet).)

I think you can afford to slow your roll here, your "friend' lives in another country and you don't foresee them living in close proximity to you for some while yet. Don't jump the gun in announcing him as your new partner to anyone, you've got some way to go before that's a proven fact I'd say.

You might have met him many years ago, but you don't know each other now.

In terms of what you tell your exH, I'd say as little as possible considering your history with him, he will take every bit of information you give him and fashion it into a stick to beat you with. You can't have an amicable reasonable coparenting relationship with an abuser.

@GoldDuster I agree

Have called him DP here I guess to signal the significance of the relationship but his official title for DC is friend!

I do know him well, we have friends in common, have met family, stayed in his family home etc. I feel confident in his character (and believe me I am on high alert for red flags)

Yes I am. I didn’t end up having to tell ex partner about him as he found out through the grapevine and accused me of being a cheating bitch as anticipated. It was actually good timing as it was a few weeks before DP’s visit and it got the drama out of the way and he lost interest.

The visit went really well, got on well with the kids but we now have a few months until the next visit. I had hoped he could join us on a resort holiday I had booked with the kids but I think that was a bit optimistic - they have vetoed which I think is fair enough and a way to show them that they are my priority. He will be visiting a few times this year so lots of chances to spend more time together in a gradual way.

ExH has shown zero interest since the initial drama - he was actually the happiest I’ve seen him as he will feel validated that I was the Bad One all along.