He’s not in love with me is he?

[Lemonade77]

My partner and I are both in our 50s and live 2 hours apart so see each other when we can. We have no immediate plans to live together.
We’ve been together for four years. He was married for a long time before his wife left him. They were together from quite young. He always says he didn’t care that they split but when we got together told me the date they got engaged married etc. He was single for a few years after as wasn’t ready to move on. She’s still on his will etc.

So a couple of years ago, we got engaged. There wasn’t a proposal, he just put it on my finger. He bought it from eBay, a pretty ring but not a precious metal or stone. Two years later, he cannot recall the date we got engaged and is now saying he may never remarry. If I bring it up, he tells me to move on if I think I can do better. I often feel a sense of sadness that he took his ex wife to choose hers, their rings were engraved etc.

I find more and more that he says and does things that make me think that he was never in love with me at all. My birthday for example, ‘why on earth would I send you flowers?’

He puts a lot of emphasis on sex and can make suggestions that I can be uncomfortable with. But that makes me boring.

So while he says he loves me, he’s not actually in love with me is he?

The 'move on if you think you can do better' comments tell you all you need to know.

He thinks you can't do any better. You can, being alone would be better than trailing after this sad sack. Don't be a mug.

He does seem very half hearted, perhaps the hurt is still with him from the divorce.
Instead of worrying if he's in love with you, is he really enough for you? eBay ring, gone back on his word of engagement, no flowers, selfish in bed, no future plans, are you happy to accept this or what's stopping you for living your life without disappointment, if there's nothing to look forward to then you move on.

If someone said to me "move on if you think you can do better", that'd be the end of it.

You should tell him "I know I can do better, so this is the end of the line for us"

And then thank God you haven't married or moved in with him.

Move on if you think you can do better - actually being single is far better and less lonely than being in a half arsed relationship that’s going nowhere and has you doubting constantly.

Time to move on , you can definitely do better!

"Move on if you think you can do better"

I would be so tempted to reply "like your wife did?", but realistically take his advice and move on. You deserve so much more than a dodgy ring off eBay and being emotionally manipulated into sexual activity that you're not comfortable with.

Not in love with you? He's a vile man who doesn't even like you. Please leave him, this has the real tones of emotional abuse.

Great response!

No. Whizz him out the window. You'll already be doing better by being single. Selfish idiot whose wife saw the light I think.

I am sorry - you absolutely can do better. Take care of yourself and find someone who loves you for you and treasures you.

No honey, he’s not, I’m sorry, you’re a convenience for him, a girlfriend who provides the sex. Please end this, if you don’t, your self esteem will never recover.

You should move on even if you can’t “do better.” Fuck him for being such a creep. Not even generous enough to buy you flowers for your birthday? Never make someone a priority to them you are just an option.

He’s definitely not in love with you.

You do need to move on and you can do better. Being single would be doing better than this. You will have no self esteem if you let him string you along.

You can do better. Bin the shit ring and the shit man. Move on.

Life’s too short for this shit and you’re worth more x

Fwb at best. And benefits mostly him. Ltb.

Please value yourself more highly and move on. This guy is not good enough.

I would judge him by his actions not his words OP and his actions aren't very nice are they? It's easy to say 'I love you' but he doesn't show any love with his actions so I think that gives you your answer 😒 I think you deserve better, someone who treats you kindly and doesn't mess you about.

I think, why are you in love with him?! He sounds horrible.

A gentle ‘let this one go’

he totally isn’t making you happy or feel special
and this appears to be consistent for a long period ?

just stop , being single is infinitely preferable to feeling not valued 100% of the time
and being his sex toy (sorry I got that from some of the comments you said about his behaviour )

This isn't the catch. It's not your catch. He's telling you you aren't his- you are a fish in his bucket not THE fish he took the photo/ put on his wall/ brags about.

Throw this one back. You deserve better.

He puts a lot of emphasis on sex and can make suggestions that I can be uncomfortable with. But that makes me boring.

I don't like the sound of him at all. I think you can do a lot better than him.

Of course you can do better. Being alone would be much better than being with this vile man

You can do better,you are not there for his suggestive sexual services,he's just left you hanging if I'm honest,I'm not usually one for flowers but when I've been with a partner I do this on every birthday and valentine's day.hes not made no effort to make you feel loved and wanted.

You can and will do better you have wasted too much time on someone,who clearly does not appreciate it.move on and be appreciated by someone who thinks your worth it.

The consensus is that you are being mistreated here, and that seems to be the case. But I have to assume there are reasons you are with this man - redeeming qualities you haven’t mentioned that have brought you together and sustained a relationship over this time. Presumably his thoughtless actions and words that you relate are what gives you second thoughts.

I agree with PP that he is probably traumatised by his previous experiences. He seems to have a gigantic fear of seeming needy or weak in the relationship - because he has been so badly burned.

His thoughtless actions seem to be a defence mechanism. If he goes all-in on you, and you reject him, he would be in too much pain to bear. So he challenges you and keeps you at arm’s length. Nevertheless, his actions are wrong and you shouldn’t tolerate them.

I would suggest you confront him and ask why he treats you like this, see if he will admit to his vulnerability, and see if he has the strength to overcome it. If he isn’t prepared to face up to his fears he won’t change, and you should leave.

He might have been infatuated with you initially, but no it doesn’t sound like he’s in love with you now. And honestly, even if he is, so what? He’s treating you like a booty call.

Throw this one back.