He’s not in love with me is he?

[Lemonade77]

My partner and I are both in our 50s and live 2 hours apart so see each other when we can. We have no immediate plans to live together.
We’ve been together for four years. He was married for a long time before his wife left him. They were together from quite young. He always says he didn’t care that they split but when we got together told me the date they got engaged married etc. He was single for a few years after as wasn’t ready to move on. She’s still on his will etc.

So a couple of years ago, we got engaged. There wasn’t a proposal, he just put it on my finger. He bought it from eBay, a pretty ring but not a precious metal or stone. Two years later, he cannot recall the date we got engaged and is now saying he may never remarry. If I bring it up, he tells me to move on if I think I can do better. I often feel a sense of sadness that he took his ex wife to choose hers, their rings were engraved etc.

I find more and more that he says and does things that make me think that he was never in love with me at all. My birthday for example, ‘why on earth would I send you flowers?’

He puts a lot of emphasis on sex and can make suggestions that I can be uncomfortable with. But that makes me boring.

So while he says he loves me, he’s not actually in love with me is he?

Yuck he sounds dreadful. I'd take his advice and move on, you CAN do better.

I should think almost ANYONE would be better than him. What an appalling man

Get rid

He sounds absolutely fucking awful and you should look for someone better for you. He’s unkind, deceitful - and the pressurising for sex you’re not comfortable with is horrible and sounds pretty abusive tbh @Lemonade77

This will bells on.
Highly doubt someone like him is even capable of love tbh.

Love yourself, don't stay with bastards.

@Lemonade77
I think it's not about whether he loves you. It's more about what you want from a relationship and whether you get it with him.
It seems that both of you are fairly casual about it - if after 4 years there has not been talk from either of you about moving in together - then I am not really sure how serious this relationship really is.
It's not only about him sending (or not) you flowers for your b-day. It's about how the two of you see your life going forward.

I can understand why somebody who had been in one long relationship since young to his late 40s - does get affected when that relationship ends abruptly. And I can understand that this person is not going to be a gushing romantic partner who would mark engagements and significant dates.

Trusting another person and romance - is not going to be easy for him. He did before and got badly burned.

Not your problem, of course. But also - hard as it is - it isn't about YOU in a sense that he can feel things for you, but his life experience and pain make him prioritise self preservation. IF rings picking, flower petals, Valentines and heart ornaments - is what you'd like - I do not think he can be that. Now - or maybe never. So - I'd move on.

But - if the arrangement you have works for you - and, I presume, allows you a fair amount of independence that you need - I'd think about what it is you really need and want.

No, it doesn't sound like he loves you. Has he told you he does? If you're engaged, you're engaged to marry surely. You don't even live together.
I'd take him at his word. If you can do better move on. OK you have no idea what's out there but this man seems to have you begging for crumbs. He's not the one for you.

@Lemonade77

Sounds like you're Ms Right Now, not Ms Right.

He's treating you like a booty call or a FWB. He 'put a ring on it' to keep you there for his convenience, not as a sign of any commitment.

You deserve much, much better treatment. Dump him and find a man who truly respects and values you.

Thank you so much for your replies. I think they have told me what, deep down, I already know.
There wasn’t even an embrace at New Year, he shook my hand and gave me a peck.
When we first got together, it was exciting and flattering as I had been in my own for a while. He later admitted he thought it would just be a sex thing, a flash in the pan like his many short term relationships since his split from his wife.
He also had had a troubled childhood so that, on top of the split from the wife he was devoted to, I think has resulted in huge barriers going up around him so I don’t really think he is capable of loving anyone.
But it’s not attractive for a man in his 50s and I need to find someone who loves me.

You deserve better. You are getting the dregs from this man. I'd much rather be single.

I don't know if he loves or if is love of you, looks like neither of them. What I got very real is that he doesn't respect you.

He shook your hand at New Year?

This isn't the man for you. Whether he's damaged or not, he's half hearted and you deserve so much more.

Love this response!

Hope that you are reading these posts and understanding your worth, Op.

Yes I was taken aback by the hand shake!

Time to gather your friends and book a holiday/night out. Start seeing him for who he is and recover your self esteem. In short, prepare to dump him.

How did the 'engagement' come about since you don't live together and have no real plans to move in together?

I suspect he's putting in the bare minimum effort to keep you hanging. It's not even a FWB situation - what friend would treat you this way?

You absolutely can do better! Lose this creep.

Oh dear me, make it a New Year's resolution to lose excess baggage in your life. Starting with him.

Honestly @Lemonade77 , stop worrying about how he may be feeling about things and ask yourself what on earth are you getting out of this?

You can do much better by merely not being with him. By better, I expect he means better looking, earns more money, better car...but that us all immaterial if he has zero consideration or respect for you.

Relationships are complex, I would ask yourself the broader questions- does this man have your back? If something went wrong for you, would he be there holding your hand? Do you see a happy future with him? Does he see a happy future with you? And what does this look like? From what you have said, it sounds as if he has no plans to deepen the relationship, something which you want. Therefore fundamentally you are mismatched.
Obviously you have posted at a timecwhen your emotions are high, and we do not know the context in which comments were said. He may have a whole load of other redeeming qualities not mentioned.
Communication is key- talk to him and listen to what he's saying, with a clear view on what you want out of a healthy relationship. If he says he has no plans to move in together, get married, then believe him.

He thinks you can't do better so he doesn't have to try,lazy arsehole!
You CAN do better, don't just walk away, run like the wind!

All he is doing is damaging your self esteem. He doesn’t love you and seems damaged. Please come back and tel us you’ve got rid and start this year the right way

So while he says he loves me, he isn’t actually in love with me

He doesn’t love you and he definitely isn’t in love with you. He treats you with contempt and I don’t even think he likes you.

Of course you can do much much better.

Ah yes the 'difficult childhood' excuse made by 90% of abusers and abused women for their abusers. It's not an acceptable excuse (ps: sometimes it's not even real. It's like the 'my exs are all crazy' fantasy bs they spew). Plenty of people have horrible childhood and manage not to speak to their partners like trash. Let alone abuse them.

He doesn't like you - perhaps he doesn't like "women" in general either. Good for sex, a listening ear and housework. You sound like a lovely, warm loving person and deserve to be cherished! He shows you disdain and pushes your boundaries in bed in a manner you find degrading - he probably likes that. No, I dont think from what you have said that he loves you and certainly won't be willing to share his "assets" with you in marraige.

He is romanticising his ex, I bet the reality for her wasn't as rosy - hence the divorce. Better to be single than have your self esteem chipped away at for a bit of lame company

He sounds awful. Ditch him and find someone who doesn't reply 'move on if you think you can do better' when you ask for reassurance