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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH depressed for years - blames me and will never seek help

57 replies

Docugirl · 05/01/2024 17:20

Just that in a nutshell and I'm so drained and starting to really dread the future. I cannot do anything for him as he won't admit he's depressed. Just blames me and the kids and work and whatever he can for his lifelong unhappiness.

I'd be supportive and more sympathetic if he could admit it and try to help himself but he never will. His moods are destroying us all, I have zero attraction or romantic love left for him. We got through Christmas but he's been sulking again since NYE (triggered by DS who was cranky) says he doesn't want to be here and wants the world to swallow him up. What on earth can I do? He says it's all because he doesn't feel loved.

I want to separate but we can't afford 2 houses. He's told me he'll never leave the house so it will be entirely up to me to leave. Even if I did, my budget won't stretch far. I don't want to do counselling with him until he tries to sort himself out, plus he lies and misquotes me and thinks counselling would be a great chance to show ME up....

It's all so toxic and horrible and I feel like I'll never get away from him.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 05/01/2024 17:30

The only way forward is to separate, and he’ll have to leave if the house needs selling. Go and see a family solicitor, take control.

KinS24 · 05/01/2024 17:33

Start your exit plan. Every long journey starts with a single step. Your life matters and this will drain you forever unless you change things.

CharmedCult · 05/01/2024 17:34

He can’t just decide “he’ll never leave the house”.

Treat yourself to an appointment with a solicitor.

hellsBells246 · 05/01/2024 17:35

DustyLee123 · 05/01/2024 17:30

The only way forward is to separate, and he’ll have to leave if the house needs selling. Go and see a family solicitor, take control.

This.

He's making you all unhappy and he doesn't get to do that.

He should be doing something to help his MH. Plus, a lot of his behaviours don't sound related to his MH - they just sound like he's a dick.

You don't have to live like this forever. See a solicitor.

LameyJoliver · 05/01/2024 17:37

My DH was like this, miserable, drinking and a general pain in the arse, refusing to get help however much we tried. It went on for several years and genuinely took me losing it and telling him if he didn't face up to the fact that he could change this by seeking help, I would leave.
I meant it.
He got some help and finally talked to me and we're still going after 25 years (this was about 5 years ago). He still gets down and depressed at times, but we can now spot the signs and work to sort through them.
You are not to blame, the kids are not to blame. he needs to be told.

GoldDuster · 05/01/2024 17:46

Get hold of all the financial information re morgtgage pensions savings income and debts etc, and make an appointment to see a solicitor.

He can't just sit there like a sulking teapot and refuse to leave the house unfortunately, you don't need to magic up another one to move into. This is what divorce is for. You are going to need to take action or accept the status quo, because he won't do it.

Original poster
Docugirl · 05/01/2024 17:49

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. I did speak to a family law solicitor last year who said I should start approaching banks to find out how much I could borrow and he'd have to buy me out. We have a full on housing crisis in this country and I could maybe afford a flat or small house/duplex but he'll then have our lovely home,, I can never recreate it and I worry the kids would always see it as their real home and mine would just be somewhere they come and go from.

I have been planning and saving for the last year but he earns twice as much and will always have better and bigger options than me. He's mean with money and this has caused huge resentment.

I know I'll have to leave, I know it's not my fault.

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 05/01/2024 17:51

Are you in the UK OP?

hellsBells246 · 05/01/2024 17:51

But @Docugirl , in a divorce the judge will ensure that you have a fair share of the assets, so you can both buy a similar house.

Original poster
Docugirl · 05/01/2024 17:51

No but very close

OP posts:
FlyingCherub · 05/01/2024 17:52

You're so ground down by him that you're not seeing the bigger picture. It's not his place to decide if his marriage ends, and trust me, you can't give your kids a decent childhood walking on eggshells around him. They'd be happier in a cardboard box away from him. Don't equate a nice house with happiness - nothing could be further from the truth.

Take some control over your life. Your apathy is holding you back just as much as his depression is holding him back.

Original poster
Docugirl · 05/01/2024 17:53

GoldDuster · 05/01/2024 17:51

Are you in the UK OP?

Sorry still trying to figure out replying. No I'm not but in EU.

OP posts:
Original poster
Docugirl · 05/01/2024 17:54

hellsBells246 · 05/01/2024 17:51

But @Docugirl , in a divorce the judge will ensure that you have a fair share of the assets, so you can both buy a similar house.

And if we went to court it could potentially cost 15K each according to solicitor

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 05/01/2024 17:56

Revisit a solicitor and get some more information. A divorce settlement should involve providing adquate housing for both parties, which might see him buying you out, but as his earnings are double yours, you might get more than half of the joint assets in order to move on and house you and the children if he would like to remain in the family home.

Don't take it as a fait accomplit that you have to start from scratch if you want to leave, until you've got all the information and more at hand.

Original poster
Docugirl · 05/01/2024 18:01

GoldDuster · 05/01/2024 17:56

Revisit a solicitor and get some more information. A divorce settlement should involve providing adquate housing for both parties, which might see him buying you out, but as his earnings are double yours, you might get more than half of the joint assets in order to move on and house you and the children if he would like to remain in the family home.

Don't take it as a fait accomplit that you have to start from scratch if you want to leave, until you've got all the information and more at hand.

Thank you. Everyone i talk to including the solicitor said I should do counselling. I'm wary of that because he's not honest about his problems. Also how could a counsellor possibly help us? I would be there not to reconcile but almost as a condition of separating if that makes sense

OP posts:
halfthishalfthat · 05/01/2024 18:02

I live in the EU. I doubt there is any EU country in which your husband can just hold on to the house and leave you with nothing. Assets will be divided between the two of you. Your children will be relieved to get away from the burden of your husband's moods. I'm sure they will not be worried if you cannot offer them the same standard of living as before. Where I live, a solicitor can offer a payment plan so that you do not have to pay the fees all at once, perhaps you could inquire about that. As someone who has done all that, I can tell you that the relief is stupendous and my children did not mind moving into a flat rather than living in a house with their abusive father.

hellsBells246 · 05/01/2024 18:05

Don't do counselling with an abuser.

Wherever you live, do some research. Is there a cheaper way to divorce? How do other people manage?

halfthishalfthat · 05/01/2024 18:05

Just to add: counselling is not an option if he does not intend to engage in good faith as you have described. If you are unhappy in your marriage and he shows no signs of wanting to compromise, then surely you are entitled to a divorce.

Original poster
Docugirl · 05/01/2024 18:08

halfthishalfthat · 05/01/2024 18:02

I live in the EU. I doubt there is any EU country in which your husband can just hold on to the house and leave you with nothing. Assets will be divided between the two of you. Your children will be relieved to get away from the burden of your husband's moods. I'm sure they will not be worried if you cannot offer them the same standard of living as before. Where I live, a solicitor can offer a payment plan so that you do not have to pay the fees all at once, perhaps you could inquire about that. As someone who has done all that, I can tell you that the relief is stupendous and my children did not mind moving into a flat rather than living in a house with their abusive father.

No I know I wouldn't be left with nothing. I would need to be able to afford to run the household though and I've been looking at my wages and bills over the last year and based on what I earn I'd have almost nothing left over. He would insist on sharing custody to avoid paying towards their upkeep.

I am looking into a future of being very close to the breadline and I'm not 100% I would even get a mortgage.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 05/01/2024 18:09

It's inconceivable that an EU country would allow one party to keep the family home in a divorce if the other party didn't have equal assets to house themselves.

Are there advice forums, Facebook groups etc that would cover divorce law in the country where you live?

Original poster
Docugirl · 05/01/2024 18:12

hellsBells246 · 05/01/2024 18:05

Don't do counselling with an abuser.

Wherever you live, do some research. Is there a cheaper way to divorce? How do other people manage?

Try get him to mediation and go from there I think.

He doesn't want to separate, says he loves me. And says that to everyone. He won't book a counsellor leaves it to me and then can blame me...

OP posts:
Original poster
Docugirl · 05/01/2024 18:17

MorrisZapp · 05/01/2024 18:09

It's inconceivable that an EU country would allow one party to keep the family home in a divorce if the other party didn't have equal assets to house themselves.

Are there advice forums, Facebook groups etc that would cover divorce law in the country where you live?

Sorry just to clarify, if I want to go ahead and separate, I have to sort out accommodation for me and the kids.

He will not leave the house and does not have to.

I want to separate, he doesn't. I'm not saying I would be left with nothing but I will not just be awarded the family home because I don't want to be married anymore and I will be very restricted in what I can afford.

OP posts:
Original poster
Docugirl · 05/01/2024 18:22

halfthishalfthat · 05/01/2024 18:05

Just to add: counselling is not an option if he does not intend to engage in good faith as you have described. If you are unhappy in your marriage and he shows no signs of wanting to compromise, then surely you are entitled to a divorce.

I agree but who is going to make my husband "give me a divorce" if he doesn't want to?

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 05/01/2024 18:24

Well, that's what the solicitors are there for....

Original poster
Docugirl · 05/01/2024 18:27

PermanentTemporary · 05/01/2024 18:24

Well, that's what the solicitors are there for....

Sure but then we're back to paying out fees...

I know I need to leave him. I want to.

Maybe this time next year I'll update and will be gone.

Thanks for replies

OP posts: