DH depressed for years - blames me and will never seek help

[Docugirl]

Just that in a nutshell and I'm so drained and starting to really dread the future. I cannot do anything for him as he won't admit he's depressed. Just blames me and the kids and work and whatever he can for his lifelong unhappiness.

I'd be supportive and more sympathetic if he could admit it and try to help himself but he never will. His moods are destroying us all, I have zero attraction or romantic love left for him. We got through Christmas but he's been sulking again since NYE (triggered by DS who was cranky) says he doesn't want to be here and wants the world to swallow him up. What on earth can I do? He says it's all because he doesn't feel loved.

I want to separate but we can't afford 2 houses. He's told me he'll never leave the house so it will be entirely up to me to leave. Even if I did, my budget won't stretch far. I don't want to do counselling with him until he tries to sort himself out, plus he lies and misquotes me and thinks counselling would be a great chance to show ME up....

It's all so toxic and horrible and I feel like I'll never get away from him.

You can divorce him even if he doesn’t want to

I suppose I'm more focussed on getting away and all that is involved with setting up a separate household than the actual divorce.

I am appreciating all the replies and not ignoring any advice. It's important that I am confident about this and know I'm not the cause.

I am most definitely getting my ducks in a good solid row.

How old are the kids op?

14, 10 and 8

Your husband has laid his problems at your feet. He blames you for his unhappiness, then blames you for not sorting out his problems for him. He won't help himself but thinks you should do all the work. He's making you miserable. And your children. You and the children deserve better.

Look at this way - he blames you for his unhappiness. So he shouldn't object to you leaving. He can't have it both ways.

Either he's right and you make him unhappy - in whch case it's right to leave.

Or he's unfairly creating an awful atmosphere and making you unhappy. In which case you have to leave.

I get that ❤️.

Good luck OP. It’s a cliche I know but you do only get one life

A residency order can be granted.

You need a better solicitor than the one you first saw.

I know a man of similar disposition who got his comeuppance in family court (in Ireland). It was quite a surprise to him that there existed a higher authority than him in the land, and that he couldn't, in fact, keep his wife and daughters prisoners in the marriage just because he earned more than she did.

I'm feeling the same right now. Won't get help won't take responsibility I feel absolutely fucked off with it all now

I'm sorry but sulking teapot really made me lol
Having a horrible day and this was just what I needed

Agree with all of the above. I know I need to keep planning for the future.

Thank you but again, that's a court situation. If we end up in court, it will be disastrous for me financially no matter what I'm awarded. I'll already be in debt to pay for the fees.

I was advised the same by a family friend who also practices family law. She said avoid court at all costs, excuse the pun.

Sorry to hear you're in the same boat. It's just awful. I would never be so selfish to make my family suffer like this. I hope things improve for you.

Don't listen to his crap. Serve him with divorce papers. The court will decide who leaves not him. He is talking through his arse.
The sooner you ditch this miserable sod the happier you will be.
Do you want to still be with him until you are 80....imagine how awful that would be. A whole lifetime of misery.
You know you have to do it. Do it now. No time like the present. Get it over and done with.
You will cope.
I've done it twice and I coped just fine.

I gave up my job and got legal aid.

See I cannot walk away from my job. It is critical to my well being and my future with my children. I'm sure it was right for you at the time but it took me ages to get back into work after being home for a few years.

Thanks for your other post too. I have no intention of growing old with him. That thought has spurred me on in the past to get advice etc. You must be very strong to do it twice!

I know it's easy for me to say, but it's better to be happy in a hovel that miserable in a mansion.

@Docugirl
It's possible for a solicitor to petition a court for fees to be paid by the other party, especially if fees are racked up in order to financially abuse a divorcing spouse or if one party refuses mediation.

I would keep a paper trail of evidence that your H has refused both mental help treatment and marriage counseling. It would be in your interest to present a picture of a man who is a negative, un-cooperative, cantankerous, contrary, unreasonable individual who turns down all efforts to improve your lives and your relationship and won't even cooperate with the divorce process.

He’s not depressed he’s using it as an excuse to bully you get rid of this abuser

He doesn’t go for help because they would see right through him a narcissistic bully

He says it's all because he doesn't feel loved.

Let me guess, this has to do with sex?
I agree with other posters that this sounds more like manipulation than depression.

You need to find out if you are entitled to any help with legal fees and that would be specific to the country you are living in.

You say that he will go for 50/50 to avoid having to pay you anything, but he sounds like such a misery guts that I can't imagine your children wanting to spend much time with him and the feelings of the older ones will be taken into account.

“I worry the kids would always see it as their real home and mine would just be somewhere they come and go from.”

A home is so much more than the space, size and bricks !! A home is where they feel safe and happy. You will all be so much happier in a small unit than unhappy in a bigger home.

Everyone including your kids must be walking on eggshells and it must be a horrible home environment. In a smal house yes it might be small but you will be free!!

If you've got a friend that practices family law offer to buy them dinner and get a list of questions ready to ask them, you need to be more clued up about the divorce process than you currently are in order to be able to see the best way to approach this. There's a wealth of information on the internet. Information is power, get busy.

Someone can't simply refuse to let you divorce them, nor sit in the family home because they fancy it. It doesn't work like that, unless there are particular laws where you are living that would enable that. Yes divorce is difficult, but nobody is going to do it for you. You need to be able to make some informed decisions, and the more you know the less you'll have to pay solicitors to know. Get busy.

You need to leave.

You can't let your kids leave in an environment where everyone is walking on eggshells because one person is constantly miserable and wants everyone else to also be unhappy...

Your husband will have to pay for the upkeep of his kids and he also can't just decide to keep the house for himself.

Get yourself to a solicitor and start planning your new life.

Counselling is useless if one person has not intention to accept they have issues and has always refused to do anything to help themselves.

Yes you will have to live in a smaller property and there will be changes but you will have your freedom and do what is best for your kids.