DH depressed for years - blames me and will never seek help

[Docugirl]

Just that in a nutshell and I'm so drained and starting to really dread the future. I cannot do anything for him as he won't admit he's depressed. Just blames me and the kids and work and whatever he can for his lifelong unhappiness.

I'd be supportive and more sympathetic if he could admit it and try to help himself but he never will. His moods are destroying us all, I have zero attraction or romantic love left for him. We got through Christmas but he's been sulking again since NYE (triggered by DS who was cranky) says he doesn't want to be here and wants the world to swallow him up. What on earth can I do? He says it's all because he doesn't feel loved.

I want to separate but we can't afford 2 houses. He's told me he'll never leave the house so it will be entirely up to me to leave. Even if I did, my budget won't stretch far. I don't want to do counselling with him until he tries to sort himself out, plus he lies and misquotes me and thinks counselling would be a great chance to show ME up....

It's all so toxic and horrible and I feel like I'll never get away from him.

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who replied to my post, through the night too, I really appreciate it.

I am continuing to plan and gather info and will hopefully leave eventually.

I originally signed up to this forum for advice on my first marriage. It was not useful but I can see that had my wife written on here it might have been similar to what you write.
In my case, I wen tot the doctor as I was constantly ill and he diagnosed depression.
I can only write of my experience, but having moved on far since then I can think of the things that would have helped me and the things I could have done. They may very well not be relevent to you at all, and I am sorry if mmy writing these things causes distress, in whch case I will delete this on request.

The things I found hard back then:

• I was the only won working and my wife turned down work. I earned OK money but it meant I was poorer than most friends despite earning more
• Doing housework in the morning, working long hour, getting food for dinner, cokking it then having to clean up the flat, only to repeat again in the morning. Help with housework would have helped.
• Sexless. The lack of sex was furstrating.

What I did, but could have done sooner (whihc only applies to your husband if his situation is like mine):

• Give up. Let the place be a pigsty and do yoga, exercise and meditation instead. Accept a pigsty
• Give up. Accept how little i could do and that I was only 50% responsible for the relationship

This might well not apply, but I am reminded strongly of how my ex-wife would have seen it. If this does not apply, please, ignore. It might even apply more to you.

You sound as if you’re on the right track. Just to chime in and say that my Dad was like your DH, lifelong MH problems and always happy to blame other people for them, instead of getting help.

I will say that he didn’t blame my Mum, he just let things overwhelm him and made her life difficult. I’m not sure why she didn’t leave him, tbh, I suppose she loved him.

Your DH is worse in that he has the gall to blame you. Keep working towards your exit strategy. 💐

If you do one thing this year make it be that you leave that bully you and your children deserve better

of course a man will come on to defend another man 🙄

It could be she is in a closer position to that I was in rather than that my ex-wife was in. I was also unable to leave from not being able to afford two rents and why would she want me to leave?
The fact is we cannot know much over a forum.

Thanks, I appreciate you sharing your story.

I was in a similar position to the OP.
The issue was I would have to leave the flat, but I was still married so I would have to support my partner who did not work and also fund my own place to live in order to separate.
I would have thought in this case, that she could leave and face having to do it in the same house.