Should I be concerned about his reaction to marriage?

[togp]

I'm 33, partner is 34. We've been together 4 years and have previously discussed getting married and having children.

The last few weeks I've had a feeling of wanting to move along with these goals as we're both settled and not getting any younger.

I brought it up with him last week and he was really blase about it all. He answered with 'yeah we'll do all of that soon' and when I pressed for more details and more of a timeline he said 'in a couple of years' but didn't really give any specifics about what would be in a couple of years.

His lack of detail was niggling at me so I asked again yesterday and I got upset when he said I didn't trust him and that he doesn't know why I'm asking. I explained I wanted a bit of a plan as we haven't actually ever had a specific time frame and that we've been together a while so what are we waiting for. I tried to say this in a light hearted way, but he made me feel like I was being desperate. He then said 'well I don't have a ring, but I've always said we will get married' and left it at that.

My birthday was in December and I feel like I'm getting older so maybe that's why I feel so unsure about it all, but something about his answers has made me doubt we're on the same page, despite him always saying we are...

Think mu ultimatum would be more like we're getting married within 6 months and ttc now or I'm off.

Suggest TTC occurs after marriage....otherwise he is fine and where he wants to be and OP isn't

18 months is ridiculous. When me and my husband decided to get married (after four years together) we got engaged in September and married in December. We were only in our twenties too, we just wanted to get on with it (I wasn't pregnant either).

Not to be harsh OP but as a man reading this I agree with most of the other posters.

I appreciate it is easy for us to say as we're not involved but 99% of the time when a man wants to get married and start a family they will propose asap (often sooner than the women would like!).

It's a very difficult situation so you have my sympathy but I would think deeply about if children or a relationship are more important to you. If it's children then I would leave. If you're happy to prioritise a relationship over children I still think you need to think whether this is the right man for you.

I say 99% as of course there are always exceptions and outliers.

I felt compelled to reply to this post despite all the previous responses. OP, you know your partner best and seem very trusting of him and all the promises that he has made. However, from your responses on this post it comes across to an outsider that he is just stringing you along.

18 months is a ridiculously long time to wait at your age and this is after you've had that important conversation with him. As others have said, you decide the timeline and tell him or else just walk away. I feel like you are too trusting and he's calling all the shots. I hope you're not full of regret this time next year when nothing has changed and you're even closer to 35.

I also think the 18 months is him kicking the can down the road. It otherwise makes no sense, why does he need another 18 months? Seems to me he is just saying something and it is far enough away so that he doesn’t need to do anything right now but close enough to placate you - or more to the point to shut you up for 18 months.

This isn’t good enough OP. If he wanted to marry you, the conversation yesterday would have resulted in you agreeing a date, a date this year. But I don’t know if this has gone past the point of ultimatums now, he so clearly does not want to marry you, I think you deserve a man that does.

I don't know your DP and relationship so it's hard to be sure whether this is a red flag or not but wanted to share my experience in case it's helpful. Met DH when I was 35 and him 42, him divorced and me out of a long term relationship. We both needed time to heal from previous relationships so 'dated' for ages - almost 2 years. I was ready to move in together before him and lockdown brought that forward by a few months. He always said he was open to getting married again and having children and this didn't change the longer we were together. In fact he kept saying he'd like to be married. After we bought a house together there was no sign of anything happening, we had a few conversations and nothing really changed. Due to my age I realised that I needed to prioritise having children so over the course of several months I came off the pill, we left it to chance and then I started tracking my cycle. All fine, no coercion anyway but it was me that instigated everything. DS was born after we'd been together 4 years. He knew that DS was having his surname was because I expected to get married one day so after a few months I started the marriage conversation again and it became clear he didn't actually want to do a proposal and make a big deal of it but was happy to get married so we agreed we would, announced to family at Xmas to make a bit of celebration out of it and then I organised a small wedding for 6 months later. I've now been married 7 months and DS is nearly 18 months old.
My point of sharing this is because with some of the facts and lack of context I am sure that I would have had the same advice as you if I'd posted like this 2 years into our relationship wondering if he would ever commit. I am 100% certain that we are right together and that he just wasn't as time oriented as me. He agrees and if it had been left to him we may have just not got round to it. Hope this helps as an alternative perspective.

Controversial but just bin him absolutely. Hard face and mean it. He will either panic and you’ll be married in 6 months with a baby in a year or he ….won’t. But you will have your answer. I know someone this happened to irl she meant it too. The former was her outcome and he’s actually been a brilliant Dh and father. He just needed The Fear of actually losing her. And if he doesn’t act then at least you’ve flushed it out and gave time to find someone else.

I think you need to be very careful here if you seriously want children. The least you can do for yourself is get your fertility checked and encourage him to do the same.
I turned 33 end of 2023, I have 2 children who are now teens with an ex. I was made aware in 2013 Id likely have future fertility issues and need help if I wanted more children, despite already having 2 that I conceived within a few months. I'm now in the situation of wanting another child. Here's how it has played out for me.....

Feb 2020- bare in mind if you request help, you have to meet requirements before a referall, which incluce ttc unsuccessfully for 1 year. For me, 1.5 year ttc, requested help from GP, should have been referred immediately due to known likely issues, Appointments were made, and appointments cancelled, multiple times thanks to covid and then the aftermath back log of covid. This went On from 2020 until 2023
August 2023- in person fertility clinic appointment that I was told would defiently go ahead.. Cancelled a week before and rearranged.
November 2023- finally had my 1st clinic appointment 3 and a half years after referal, by bloody phone!!!!
December 2023- in clinic investigations which have shown up problems noone predicted or expected, that cause me fertility issues. The thing back In 2013 that was expected to cause me issues is 1000% not causing me issues. Im told i need an operation, then recovery, then ivf, but first I must see the clinics doctor before referal for the op.
Jan 2024- appointment cancelled with clinic doctor
March 2024- appointment cancelled with clinic doctor.
May 2024- new appointment with clinic doctor. Not holding out hope of it going ahead.
I managed to have 2 kids with no difficulty, now I'm finding myself in a long drawn out process with none stop delays. I cannot have the op before seeing the doctor, and I cannot have ivf before the op. When I finally see the doctor I'll have to go on a wait list for the op, and have the risk of that also being cancelled several times. Then I need recovery time, then await another appointment with the clinic doctor to begin ivf process.....

Sorry my post is so long, but I really really hope this helps it sink into you just how difficult it can be to have a baby. Coming from someone who had 2 so easily, I was naive to believe I'd never find myself in this situation...

When I met my second husband, he proposed after 6 weeks. And nearly 20 years later I don't think (hopefully!) he regrets it